Do dreams really come true at Disney? Local man says no

January 23, 2009
Dreams don't come true at Disney says Gavin Peppers

Dreams don't come true at Disney says Gavin Peppers

Forestville resident Gavin Peppers just returned from Walt Disney World in Florida and was disappointed that his dreams did not come true, “Disney claims it is the place where dreams come true.  Well, I wanted to be treated like a hero and meet hot chicks.  Is that asking too much?”  According to several sources Gavin’s dreams did not come true.

 

The jilted Peppers is unfazed by the millions who go to Disney every year, “If your dream is to stand in line and walk around all day like the Bataan Death March then your dreams will come true.  But for normal people, forget it.” 

 

Gavin has not announced his vacation plans for next year. 

 

Advertisements

Woman distraught after running out of Scotch Tape

January 22, 2009
Scotch Tape (file photo)

Scotch Tape (file photo)

Audra Weeks was wrapping a birthday present for a friend when suddenly she ran out of adhesive tape.  “I was pulling the tape from the dispenser and the next thing I know, the tape was gone.  I screamed to my husband Solomon but to no avail.”  Audra says she only needs two pieces of tape complete the wrapping project.

 

Scotch Tape spokesperson Ted Liu said that with any wrapping project preparation is essential, “We always recommend that the wrapper know how much tape they need versus how much tape they have.” 

 

The cost of additional Scotch Tape could exceed, $20.00 Audra said, in part because she would prefer to buy in bulk.  “I don’t want just one or two rolls on hand.  The tape will be gone by Christmas and that is the wrong time to be without adhesive tape.  That’s embarrassing,” she said.  Citing budgetary concerns Solomon Weeks would prefer a more modest purchase but he admits “She will do what she’s got to do.” 


Ice Appreciation Week is nearing

January 20, 2009
Ice Platters are very popular in North America

Ice Platters are very popular in North America

February 1 through February 7 communities throughout North America will be taking part in Ice Appreciation Week.  Forestville resident William Dodge looks forward to this event every year, “Oh man, I look forward to this event every year,” said an enthusiastic Mr. Dodge.   Participating grocery stores will be handing out popular ice products such as free bags of packaged ice, ice trays, ice tongs and decorative ice platters.

 

Juan Gutierrez spokesperson for Ice Packagers Association of North America (IPANA) said, “This is always a lot of fun.”   Mr. Gutierrez says just look for the IPANA sticker for participating stores. 


Stay at home mom burns dinner blames Rachael Ray, husband, kids, grocer…you

January 14, 2009

General Electric Stove

General Electric Stove

Karen Blaylock burned the roast she was cooking early Tuesday evening because she forgot to set the timer.  Family members were clearly disappointed, “I don’t know what is going on with her lately,” said her eldest son Charlie.  This is the second time this year in which Blaylock has burned a dinner.

 

 

 

 

In a twenty-minute expletive-filled rant, Mrs. Blaylock blamed the miscue on her husband, the kids, the grocer, her mother in law, Rachael Ray, General Electric and everyone who reads this blog.

 

The blunder proved costly as the family of five resorted to take-out for dinner.  “At least we knew she couldn’t burn that,” said one family member who wished to remain anonymous.

 

The potty-mouthed mother of three expressed her frustration with her family’s disappointment Saturday morning, “I don’t need their shit.”

 

Mr. Blaylock understands his wife’s frustration, “I suppose I could have helped set the table, but I was tired after a long day at the office.  So I decided, ‘screw it’ and parked my ass on the couch instead.”

 

The family has decided to not give up on Mrs. Blaylock yet, allowing her to go ahead with plans for a family meal on Saturday with all the trimmings.  But family officials would not rule out “Meals on Wheels” or “Dream Dinners” as a possible next step.

 

When asked to comment, Mrs. Blaylock suggested this reporter fornicate with a three-toed sloth.

 


Satanist rescues kitty from tree

January 4, 2009
Kitty rescued from tree

Kitty rescued from tree

Local Satanist Mike Dorfman, also known as “Incubus,” rescued a cat from a tree Saturday afternoon.  Incubus was home watching What Not to Wear when he heard the cries of the black tabby coming from a tree.  Realizing the feline was in distress he quickly climbed the tree and returned the cat to safety.  The ungrateful cat scurried away. 

 


Area man has penis enlarged, gets a Harley

January 3, 2009
Bob Knepper bought a Harley and had his penis enlarged

Bob Knepper bought a Harley and had his penis enlarged

Forestville Village resident Bob Knepper recently had his penis enlarged, according to hospital documents acquired from an anonymous source.

 

The 46 year old Knepper denies he is going through a mid-life crisis.  Friends say he had hair plugs installed six months ago, and for his most recent birthday, purchased a motorcycle. “What’s the big mystery,” Knepper asked rhetorically. “Chicks dig a guy with a big dick and a Harley.”

 

Sources familiar with Knepper’s situation report Mrs. Knepper is thrilled.  But she admits she was unaware of the motorcycle.

 

AB


Local man gets a date, hopeful he will get some

January 3, 2009
Tunxis Community College, Farmington, Connecticut

Tunxis Community College, Farmington, Connecticut

Carl Brewer, a 23 year old Forestville resident has a date Saturday night with Mitzy Adler of West Hartford.  Mr. Brewer, a student at Tunxis Community College and Miss Adler a student at the University of Connecticut, met at a UCONN basketball game last month, sources said.  Brewer plans a night of pizza and bowling with Miss Adler, and if all goes well they will return to his parent’s home for a nightcap.  “My mom and dad will be away on a ski trip for the weekend so I have the place to myself,” said an excited Brewer. 

 

Ms. Adler is a woman of function and purpose and was not as excited “He’s cute but there is a reason he goes to community college.  We’ll see what happens.” 

AB