Man coerced into entering duck race by seductive wife, fears for life

March 31, 2009
Forestville duck race coming in May

Forestville duck race coming in May

Five thousand plastic ducks will float down the Pequabuck River at 2PM on Sunday May 3rd to raise money for the beautification of Forestville center, but one village resident believes the winner will never be seen again. 

 

Dewey Jasper has no interest in the annual duck race.  “Did you ever notice that winners of this race just disappear never to be heard from again like Yaphet Kotto in the movie The Running Man?  Well, I ain’t gonna be the next Yaphet Kotto,” Mr. Jasper said while cleaning his bolt action rifle.  Dewey stated he was coerced by his wife into purchasing several ducks in the race with the promise of a seductive outfit during their conjugal relations this weekend.  “I’m pathetic,” admitted an embarrassed Mr. Jasper. 

The ducks will be dumped in the river on Andrew Street, and the first duck to cross the finish line at the Central Street Bridge will be declared the winner, with the owner of the winning duck (ticket) receiving a prize.  Should it be Dewey Jasper he will be upset “If my plastic duck wins that dam race and I die right after it.  I’m gonna be pisssed.  I don’t want to die.”

Man fears duck race?

Man fears duck race?

 

 

 

 

 

 


‘Bicycles without kickstands a menace to village life’ say residents

March 29, 2009
Village life in peril due to this bicylce?

Village life in peril due to this bicylce?

The practice of kids leaning their bicycles against walls or lying them down on the ground in public areas in lieu of using their kickstands is a concern for some Forestville residents.  “What’s wrong with these kids?  It looks sloppy and sends the wrong message about our community,” said one outraged village resident that wished not to be identified. 

 

Several citizens warned that if this reckless behavior continues, a public forum will be convened to address the growing menace of bikes without kickstands.  “Youngsters think they can just dump their bicycles on the ground.  Don’t they know the kickstand is there for a reason?  The problem is laziness and bad parenting.” 

 

To be Continued.

 


Dominatrix Mistress V is off the disabeled list

March 28, 2009
A dom and her whip

A dom and her whip

Central Connecticut female domination enthusiasts welcomed back Mistress V Friday evening with a party at her studio.  The leather clad dominatrix has been out of work since mid December with a wrist injury related to Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. 

 

During her convalescence the whip wielding sado-masochist has gone to church, visited the library, did some day trading and completed a scrap book page about her trip to the Alamo.   But finally last week doctors cleared her to resume work, much to the relief of area submissives. 

 

Forestville’s favorite dominatrix hopes to get in a few lashes this weekend with her favorite whip.  “If I feel any discomfort using my whips or riding crops I will shut it down and focus my attention on just some simple bondage and humiliation.  I don’t need to use the whip but I would prefer to because it’s in my wheelhouse,” said the BDSM enthusiast.

 


Barking dog horrifies community leader

March 28, 2009
Don't bark there Fido

Don't bark there Fido

During a random drive through Forestville Thursday evening, a dog was heard barking in the Daley Street area just after 7PM.  Heather Ross President of the Forestville Tourism Association is aghast, “This sickens me.  We all know a barking dog means trouble, and if this type of thing keeps tourists and visitors away from the village, there will be hell to pay.” 

 

Miss Ross has asked Larson Canover, the Forestville Information Minister to investigate the matter.  “If it is found that this dog was coaxed into barking by being promised a treat or a biscuit for doing some silly trick then we will speak to the owner,” said an agitated Ross.

 

Oh boy, here we go. 

 


Man probed by alien, again

March 11, 2009
Man taken by aliens again.

Man taken by aliens again.

Why is it when it comes to Kenneth Snipps I am never surprised?  Here is the latest.

 

Last Friday night Kenneth claims he was abducted by extraterrestrials from outer space.  The police report states Kenneth was home when he saw flashing multi colored lights outside.  “It was a signal,” explained Snipps. 

 

Police records show that this is the second time Kenneth has claimed to have been abducted by extraterrestrials.  

 

Efforts to contact Mr. Snipps have been unsuccessful. 

 

I need a drink. 

 


Shortage of Number 2 Pencils outrages citizen

March 11, 2009
Pencil shortage in Forestville

Pencil shortage in Forestville

Community leaders are trying to quell rumors that stationary stores in the village of Forestville are out of Number 2 pencils.  “Simply not true,” said Heather Ross President of the Forestville Tourism Association.  “We don’t have any stationary stores in Forestville so how can we be out of something we don’t have?”  

 

Forestville Information Minister Larson Canover said rumors of a pencil shortage are misinformation and urged Forestville residents to remain calm and to carry on with their day to day activities.  Resident Pedro Hernandez is not satisfied “I have important paper work to do.  No self respecting person would use anything other than a Number 2 pencil.  This is a basic a necessity and I can’t find a Number 2 pencil anywhere.  I may have to move.”

 


Dallas Cowboys fans are nuts, leave their greatest game off DVD set

March 2, 2009

dallas-cowboys-greatest-games-01

Network broadcasts of ten Dallas Cowboys games are now available on DVD from Warner Home Video.  They are as follows: 

 

Disc 1  01/16/1972     Super Bowl VI Cowboys vs. Dolphins

Disc 2  12/28/1975     The Hail Mary Game Cowboys vs. Vikings

Disc 3  01/15/1978     Super Bowl XII Cowboys vs. Broncos

Disc 4  01/04/1981     NFC Playoff   Cowboys vs. Falcons

Disc 5  01/17/1993     1992 NFC       Championship Game Cowboys vs. 49ers

Disc 6  01/31/1993     Super Bowl XXVII    Cowboys vs. Bills

Disc 7  01/23/1994     1993 NFC Championship Game Cowboys vs. 49ers

Disc 8  01/31/1994     Super Bowl XXVIII Cowboys vs. Bills

Disc 9  01/14/1996     1995 NFC Championship Game Cowboys vs. Packers

Disc 10 01/28/1996     Super Bowl XXX Cowboys vs. Steelers

 

I just received the ten disc set and I am disappointed to discover a notable omission, the 1972 NFC Divisional Playoff Game versus the San Francisco 49ers.  The fans chose five of these games through a voting process and it makes me wonder:  Are these people insane?  This was the best comeback in Cowboys playoff history.  Better than the 81 Falcons game.  Way better than the Hail Mary Game. 

 

It was Saturday December 23rd 1972, and the Cowboys traveled to Candlestick Park to play the Western Division Champion 49ers.  Sixty one thousand two hundred and fourteen ticket holders traveled to the western shore of San Francisco Bay to see these teams play for the third consecutive year in the playoffs. 

 

The 49ers raced out to a 28-13 lead so with 1:48 left in the third period, Dallas quarterback Craig Morton was replaced by Super Bowl VI MVP Roger Staubach because Coach Tom Landry felt the team needed a spark. 

 

Staubach was initially rusty, fumbling once and missing some easy passes.  But a forty eight yard run from scrimmage by Calvin Hill, set up Toni Fritsch’s third field goal of the day, a 27 yard chip shot making the score 28-16, San Francisco. 

 

Now with a little over two minutes remaining in the game, San Francisco punted and the Cowboys went to work on their own 45.

 

Roger Staubach, needing two touchdowns to win and calling his own plays in the two minute offense, started the comeback by dumping a pass to running back Walt Garrison.  The fullback was run out of bounds at the San Francisco 47. 

72-03-staubach

 

The two minute warning stopped play.

 

The game resumes and it is second and two.  Staubach looks deep but settles for short yardage and throws to Garrison again.  He runs out of bounds at the 39 yard line.

 

With a fresh new set out downs, Staubach, who threw only twenty passes in the regular season due to a shoulder injury sustained in the preseason, splits wide receivers Billy Parks left and Bob Hayes right.  The former naval officer fires a ball to Parks for nineteen more yards.  Parks is tackled at the San Francisco 20. 

 

First and ten with one minute and thirty five seconds remaining, the Cowboys take their second time out.  During the timeout Staubach and Landry talk it over on the sidelines, and feel Parks to the post will be open. 

 

First and ten, Staubach takes a seven step drop and Parks puts an inside move on corner Bruce Taylor.  The Cowboys signal caller zips a pass by Taylor’s outstretched hands to Parks for a touchdown.  The point after is added 28-23, San Francisco. 

 

It took four plays and covered 45 yards.

 

One minute and thirty seconds remain.  Toni Fritsch, an Austrian soccer player and the Cowboys place kicker, squibs an onside kick along the Astroturf.  49ers backup wide receiver and three year veteran Preston Riley moves to his right and cradles the ball, but as he hits the hard turf the ball is squirts out.  Cowboy cornerback Mel Renfro pounces on the loose ball and the Cowboys are back in business.  

 

From the 50 yard line, the Cowboy quarterback looks downfield but under a heavy rush, he sees an opening and begins to run.  Darting and shoulder juking his way downfield, Staubach finds his way to the San Francisco 29 for a twenty one yard gain. 

 

With one minute and three seconds remaining the Cowboys use their final time out.

 

When the Cowboys break the huddle, Parks is split left and Bob Hayes is split right.  Staubach hits Parks again for 19 more yards.  He is run out of bounds by Bruce Taylor stopping the clock. 

 

First and goal from the San Francisco 10 yard line.

 

Only fifty seven ticks of the clock remain.  Dallas wide receiver Ron Sellers, acquired from the New England Patriots in a trade earlier in the year, checks in at tight end because Landry wanted more speed on the field due to this being a passing situation.   

 

The Cowboys are only ten yards away from the go ahead score so the 49ers blitz.  Facing a heavy rush and throwing off his front foot, Staubach finds the 6’4 Florida State graduate Ron Sellers running a hook pattern near the goal line.  Sellers gathers in the ball in front of rookie free safety Windham Hall for a touchdown.  The point after is added.  The Cowboys have their first lead of the day 30-28.  Miraculously in a minute and half, the Cowboys have run seven plays and scored two touchdowns!

 

72-02-sellers

Following the kickoff the 49ers eventually reach the Cowboys 39 yard line with seventeen seconds showing on the scoreboard.  However, a holding penalty on tackle Cas Banaszek would bring them all the way back to their own 30.  All that remained was a Charlie Waters interception of a John Brodie desperation throw, and a Cowboys kneel down play. 

 

Final Score: Dallas 30 San Francisco 28. 

 

The Cowboys advanced to the NFC Championship Game but were soundly beaten by a great Redskins team 26-3.  But they would be back. 

 

The 49ers would not be so fortunate.  This was their last good team of the 70s.  They would have to wait nine long years to make the playoffs again.

 

The 1972 Divisional Playoff game has simply been lost to time.  In all likelihood it does not exist in the CBS Sports archives. 

 

Attempts to contact the NFL, the NFL Network and CBS have been met with silence. 

 

Scorecard

                                    1          2          3          4         

Dallas                          3          10        0          17        30

Sand Francisco            7          14        7          0          28

 

1)      SF        Vic Washington 97 yard kickoff return (Gossett kick)          SF 7-0

1)      Dal      Fritsch 37 yard field goal                                                        SF 7-3

2)      SF        Schreiber 1 yard run (Gossett kick)                                        SF 14-3

SF        Schreiber 1 yard run (Gossett kick)                                        SF 21-3

            Dal      Fritsch 45 yard field goal                                                        SF 21-6

            Dal      Alworth 28 yard pass from Morton (Fritsch kick)                  SF 21-13

3)      SF        Schreiber 1 yard run (Gossett kick)                                        SF 28-13

Dal      Fritsch 27 yard field goal                                                        SF 28-16

4)      Dal      Parks 20 yard pass from Staubach (Fritsch kick)                    SF 28-23

Dal      Sellers 10 yard pass from Staubach (Fritsch kick)                  Dal 30-28

 

Individual Statistics

 

Dallas passing

Staubach         12 of 20           174 yards        2 TD    0 INT

Morton            8 of 21             96 yards         1 TD    2 INT

 

San Fransico passing

Brodie             12 of 22           150 yards        0 TD    2 INT

 

Dallas Rushing

Hill                              18 carries         125 yards        0 TD

Garrison                      9 carries           15 yards          0 TD

 

San Francisco Rushing

Schreiber                     26 carries         52 yards          3 TD

V. Washington            10 carries         56 yards          0 TD

Jimmy Thomas            1 carry             3 yards            0 TD

 

Dallas Receiving

Hill                              1 reception      6 yards             0 TD

Parks                           7 receptions     125 yards        1 TD

Alworth                       2 receptions     50 yards          1 TD

Garrison                      3 receptions     24 yards          0 TD

Sellers                          2 receptions     21 yards         1 TD

Montgomery               2 receptions     19 yards          0 TD

Hayes                          1 reception      13 yards          0 TD

Ditka                           1 reception      9 yards            0 TD

Truax                           1 reception      3 yards           0 TD

 

San Francisco Receiving

G. Washington            3 receptions     76 yards          0 TD

Schreiber                     3 receptions     20 yards         0 TD

V. Washington            1 reception      8 yards             0 TD

Riley                            4 receptions     41 yards         0 TD

Kwalick                       1 reception      5 yards           0 TD

 

Team Statistics            Dallas                          San Francisco

 

First Downs                22                                13

Rushing                       5                                  7

Passing                        15                                6

Offensive Plays           77/402                         59/255

Rushes / yards             31/165                         37/105

Passes / yards              41/20                           22/12

Sacked yards loss        5/33                             0/0

Interceptions / yards   2/12                             2/4

Fumbles / lost              4/3                               5/1

Penalties / yards          3/35                             7/56