Slappy the Seal – star of the Baumbauer Television Network (BTN) program, “Slap Happy Slappy” died late Monday, off the shores of Norway. Preliminary autopsy results indicate the cause of death as “harpooning.” Officials would not comment on rumors that Slappy was being turned into a hat, tastefully trimmed in chinchilla. The Seal was last seen Friday afternoon, dining with his agent, Rick Jaspers at a sushi bar in Los Angeles. Jaspers was unable to explain how his client ended up halfway around the world.
Slap Happy Slappy was the highest rated children’s program on BTN, and featured The Seal performing various tricks for a studio audience of children – in between Japanese Anime cartoons.
News of the show’s fate came swiftly.
Baumbauer Entertainment, CEO, Horrace Baumbauer announced the immediate termination of the program – calling for the entire studio to be gutted and steam cleaned. When asked to comment, Baumbauer stated “the whole place smells like low tide.” When pressed on the subject of Slappy himself, Baumbauer denied being particularly fond of the aquatic mammal, describing him as a “money grubbing whore.”