Mayor Solves Vexing Rubix Cube, Tougher Problem Next

December 27, 2014

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Since taking office Mayor Cockayne has spent much of his time solving the vexing and frustrating problem of the Rubix Cube. “It was tough but I finally got it,” said an exhausted Cockayne.

The Republican mayor put together a coalition of local politicians to help him to solve the puzzle.

Democratic City Councilor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was part of the diverse coalition and offered perspective, “We had this problem with another mayor when I was in the council ten years ago before I left and we solved it then too.”

Added Councilman Calvin Brown “I am only 22 and new at this so I am here merely to learn.”

Newly elected State Senator and former City Councilor Henri Martin offered no help, had nothing to say and ran from the room.

And former Republican City Councilor Derek Czenczelewski remarked “It was great but who paid for the Rubix Cube? Also, why were the Democrats included? They did not ask for our help when they needed it to solve their little Sudoku puzzles.”

The mayor told supporters “Now that this is behind us we can move on to the New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle.”


Forestville Man Procreates with Wife, Disappointed with Results

December 20, 2014

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Forestville resident Bob Knepper recently had a sexual encounter with his wife of twenty years, and afterward felt disappointed with his performance. “I devised a game plan but I did not accomplish what I set out to do,” remarked Mr. Knepper.

Due to his poorly executed scheme Mr. Knepper asked his wife if he could video tape their next sexual encounter. He plans to study the footage and breakdown her tendencies and then put together a strategy for future intimate encounters.

Mrs. Knepper denied her husband’s request. “I don’t get it,” said a frustrated Bob Knepper, “It is such a good idea.”

Mrs. Knepper had no comment about this story.

No Film Study Allowed

No Film Study Allowed


Flag Lowered No One Harmed

December 13, 2014
Flag at the Forestville Post Office (File Photo)

Flag at the Forestville Post Office (File Photo)

The flag at the Forestville Post Office was lowered late Friday and authorities reported no injuries.

A postal employee was observed slowly and carefully lowering the flag using a hand over fist motion, which is a commonly used technique according to experts.

One bystander remarked, “I always hold my breath with these types of things because you never know if something will go wrong.”

The flag will be lowered again today when the post office closes.


Vacant Lot Remains Vacant

December 6, 2014
The view from Mr. Bubbles Car Wash

The view from Mr. Bubbles Car Wash

The vacant lot on East Main Street across from the Mr. Bubbles Car Wash is still vacant.

Overgrown with brush and the ruins of a driveway cut-in still visible it remains a popular eyesore for residents of Forestville. “Maybe we can make the empty lot a tourist attraction,” remarked one resident. Said another, “It’s one of the best empty lots we have.”

No one seems to remember what occupied the property previously. “It has been vacant so long that there is nothing to miss,” stated one citizen.

According to sources the popular abandoned, bare and deserted parcel will luckily remain a tribute to the vibrant property it never was for the foreseeable future.

Popular eyesore

Popular eyesore