Forestville Republicans Surprised that Everyone is Surprised

October 31, 2015

Outsourcing 04

When the republican members of the Board of Education (BOE) voted to eliminate fifty some odd cafeteria workers by outsourcing their jobs it sparked outrage. However republicans are confused by the rancor.

“Reducing wages, eliminating benefits and laying people off especially the most vulnerable is what we do. It’s our bread and butter for Pete sake,” said one BOE republican. Added another, “Republicans have a long proud history of firing government employees and making them scapegoats. Wake up!” Lastly one BOE republican commissioner provided a long-range view, “Now if we could just find a way to outsource the custodial services, the teachers and the students. That would be heaven.”



What if the Democrats Lose?

October 30, 2015
Democratic Hotline!

Democratic Hotline!

Should the Democrats lose city hall again preparations are being made to help those adversely affected by the trauma of another two years with republicans in control.

Last night extremely nervous democrats held an emergency meeting at an undisclosed location on Pleasant Street, and created a 24 hour crisis hotline to provide emotional support to registered democrats and unaffiliated voters.

With the goal of helping those in need, the hotline will be supported by staff, volunteers and candidates including Mary Fortier from District 3. These skilled counselors from diverse multi-cultural backgrounds will answer the phones and assist those feeling scared, overwhelmed, wounded, depressed or isolated because their mayor or city councilor is a republican.

Voters will be encouraged to call if they are uncomfortable talking to family, friends or clergy.

Mary Fortier taking calls

Artist rendition of Mary Fortier

The Mayor Changes Skin Moisturizers

October 29, 2015
skin moisturizers

skin moisturizers

During the 2015 election, political insiders have noticed the mayor appears refreshed and relaxed despite the combative nature of the campaign.

Officials close to the mayor, including Egor his trusty spokesperson, said during a campaign stop that it is because the mayor recently changed skin moisturizers. “This shows leadership and adaptability. Him is good everyone else be bad and inept. Err!”

Opponents disagree and say it is just a campaign ploy. “If it shows leadership why didn’t he mention that he changed skin moisturizers during the debate?”

The mayor said he changed moisturizers to improve his skin tone and texture due to the rigors of campaigning.

His surrogates deny charges that he changed bathroom soaps at city hall though. Leaders of the opposition party doubt it and plan to FOI soap invoices. “I heard they got a whole bunch of tiny little baths soaps from Pottery Barn over there,” grunted one angry council member.



Democrats Plan Pity Party if They Lose Local Election

October 27, 2015
Pity Party Preperations

Pity Party Preperations

Should Forestville Democrats fail to gain control of the mayor’s office, town council or the Board of Education in November, a Pity Party is planned with all the trappings at Nuchies Restaurant the weekend after the results.

In keeping with Democratic Party traditions organizers say there will be endless whining, self-pitying and loathing. Later that night, if all goes as expected, they will finger point and play the Blame Game in the Cameo Room.

Organizers boast there will be plenty of comfort food available, including potato chips, chocolate and lots and lots of ice cream.


October 26, 2015
The results of the F15 airstrikes near Broad Street this morning

The results of the F15 airstrike near Broad Street this morning

The mayor, appearing on Nutmeg Television early Monday morning, told residents of Forestville that he ordered airstrikes against blighted properties in the Forestville section of Bristol in what he called “a huge escalation in the War on Blight.” U.S. military officials at the Pentagon confirm that military aircraft and assets were used in the vicinity of Broad Street.

Seated at his desk with his hands neatly folded and his pencils recently sharpened, the mayor stated the airstrikes were done in the pre-dawn hours by F15 s from the 48th Fighter Squadron out of Langley Air Force Base in Virginia.

The mayor firmly told residents there is no safe-haven for blighted properties or blighted property owners. He later thanked himself for taking this action, “Our community is always stronger when I do something.”

Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson and communications director elaborated to gathered media members outside his office about the decisive action the mayor took, “Him be good blighted properties and owners be bad. Err.”

Egor, appearing before the media this morning

Egor, appearing before the media this morning

Elderly man gets older

October 24, 2015

Elderly parking-signs-128

Cletis Denim turned 73 Monday. Cletis said he just had a birthday 12 months ago so he does not see what the big deal is. Agreed.

Community Calendar

October 22, 2015
Community Calendar

Community Calendar

Things to do in Forestville this weekend:

• Stand in line at the post office
• Use the recycle can on Broad Street
• View gas being pumped at Cumberland Farms
• Watch the flag lowered at the post office
• Watch Manross Library be locked at the end of the day