Bargain Hunting at the Hospital

November 30, 2015

Sale 01

In response to Governor Malloy’s cuts to funding hospitals during the last legislative session, Bristol Hospital in an effort to remain competitive and generate new revenue streams will offer coupons and sales on operative surgeries, procedures and x-rays. But that is not all.

Next year Bristol Hospital will begin offering sales and mark down prices on emergency room visits during the 4th of July, Memorial Day and Presidents Day by offering 50-80 percent savings on most emergency procedures, especially those not covered by insurance. “If you have an emergency it will be best to have it done during the patriotic holidays,” proclaimed

Typically med-centers and walk-in clinics offer lower prices than their traditional emergency room counterparts but not anymore. Emergency room patients are going to be encouraged to be savvy and comparison shop when choosing a hospital during an emergency. Heart attack? Gunshot wound? Appendix bursts? Patients will be able to negotiate a price with the ambulance attendants while en route to the ER.

They will also provide gift cards and extend two for one sales on hip and knee replacement surgeries.

And to boost sales in their sagging Nephrology Department, they are offering a special for the first 100 patients who elect to have dialysis.

Lastly, if you enjoyed your service in the emergency room, Bristol Hospital will have a tip jar so you can show your appreciation.

These pricing policies are expected to be implemented by the end of this fiscal year or the beginning of the new fiscal year, whichever comes first.

Bristol Hospital

Bristol Hospital


No Fights During Black Friday – Residents Disappointed

November 28, 2015

Black Friday 05

This morning Forestville retailers reported that no brawls, melees or fracases occurred during Black Friday shopping, much to the disappointment of local residents. “I so wanted an all-out brawl; a real barn burner you know,” said Dewey Jasper. “I look forward to fights between bargain hunters. It’s part of Christmas.”

Zack Flanders was disappointed too. “What is wrong with people? Don’t they know fights are expected? Where was the hair pulling, the kicking with the yelling and the screaming?”

According to Mr. Flanders people need unruly Black Friday shoppers descending into violence, “People want the violence. They need the violence they crave the violence. I guess in some way it’s a gift. When Christmas shoppers don’t fight it is selfish because the fighting makes us feel better about ourselves, and that in and of itself is the spirit of Christmas,” he observed.


black friday 02

Tickets Still Available for the Governor John Rowland Appreciation Dinner

November 27, 2015
Green Hills School, site of the John Rowland Appreciation Dinner

Green Hills School, site of the John Rowland Appreciation Dinner

Tickets for the John Rowland Appreciation Dinner to be held Saturday at 9 p.m. in Forestville are still available. Rowland was the 86th governor of the state of Connecticut and a twice convicted felon.

The original ticket price was $15 but was reduced to $10 and then $5 due to a lack of interest. Tickers are now free and can be obtained through the Forestville Chamber of Commerce.

Also, due to the anticipated small crowd, the venue moved from the banquet hall at Nuchie’s Restaurant, which can seat 300 people to the Family Resource Center on the first floor of Green Hills School, which can seat about 20 people, maybe. The menu will consist of food items from the school menu.

The scheduled speakers are fellow political luminaries and convicted felons:

Bridgeport, Connecticut, Mayor Joe Ganim (federal corruption charges for racketeering, conspiracy and bribery).

Former Connecticut State Senator, Ernie Newton (felony conviction for bribery, mail fraud and tax evasion).

Former Mayor of Hartford, Connecticut, Eddie Perez (felony conviction for bribery, fabricating evidence, and conspiracy to fabricate evidence).

Hope to see you there!

Et tu, Brute?

Amber Alert Issued for Democratic Party in Forestville

November 25, 2015

Amber Alert

An AMBER Alert has been issued for the Democratic Party in Forestville.

According to the law enforcement officials, the democrats went missing shortly after the recent election but no one noticed until early this morning. The alert was issued at the request of the League of Women Voters.

Authorities believe they have may have become part of the Witness Protection Program or gone underground.

Anyone with information is asked to call the Forestville Police Department.

Qui Transtulit Sustinet

Amber Missing

Suspicious Oak Leaf Found

November 24, 2015
Suspicious looking oak leaf

Suspicious looking oak leaf

A suspicious looking oak leaf was found in the historic section of Forestville yesterday. Police responded around 1 p.m. to 911 calls about a suspicious leaf by neighborhood residents. “We thought it odd that an oak leaf would just show up on its own because there are no oak trees in this neighborhood,” said Cookie Genison, who owns a home in the area.

Investigators are still interviewing eyewitnesses and gathering physical evidence at the scene about the rogue leaf. Anyone with information regarding the oak leaf is asked to call the Forestville Police Department.

This comes on the heels of a suspicious looking Ziploc sandwich bag that was found on the side of the road near Broad Street last week.

The empty 6×5 inch clear plastic bag was seen by motorists and pedestrians suspiciously tumbling across the road before settling near a curb. The Major Crimes Unit and the Police Tactical Unit were dispatched and determined after taking X-rays that the zipper storage bag was non-threatening.

Police are at this moment are attempting to determine the owner of the sandwich bag so they can return it to them.


Determined to be a non-threatening sandwich bag

Determined to be a non-threatening sandwich bag

Due to State Budget Deficit Math, English and Science to be Cut from School

November 23, 2015
Board of Education Building

Board of Education Building

Republicans have long wanted to run government like a business. Therefore, according to sources now that they have control of the town council and the mayor’s office, they are planning on doing just that.

Faced with a growing state deficit, local school systems were told to slash their budgets. As a result town republicans are recommending that because math, english and science classes do not make any money for the school system they must be eliminated from the curriculum.

“The football programs make money. The Booster Clubs make money. Even the AV Clubs make money. Math, English and Science? They don’t make jack they lose money so they have to go,” said Latham Eikel, a republican operative.

Area republicans applauded the decision, “It’s about time we started running government like a business. Until these subjects can produce revenue and turn a profit, I see no reason for them to be taught in school!” remarked a gushing Cookie Genison, a registered republican.


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Clerks Without Borders

November 22, 2015

Clerks 05
Clerks Without Borders™ is a humanitarian clerical organization founded in Forestville.

In 2014, the last year records are available, over 500 clerks and file clerks provided clerical aid in the manner of general filing, mailing letters, scanning documents, proofreading emails, moving boxes and making coffee for troubled businesses ravaged by poor record keeping all over the world.

Poor record keeping is problematic so Clerks Without Borders™ eliminates excessive clutter in disorganized environments by correlating and organizing files inside filing cabinets and off site storage if necessary.

Clerical workers volunteer their time to solve issues of poor filing and terrible record keeping.

Due to the current civil war in South Sudan, Clerks Without Borders™ is headed to the devastated war-torn region to organize the inventory of a flea market. They will be joined by Custodians Without Borders™, which will be there to sweep and empty garbage cans.