Due to the success of recent movie remakes and incapable of producing an original movie script, the major Hollywood studios announced today they will remake every movie ever made beginning with the cinematic classic Casablanca.
Legendary Hollywood mogul Jerry Bruckheimer will be producing many of the films and in a statement said, “The Casablanca remake will be shot frame by frame exactly like the original in 1942, but instead of evading Nazis it will be zombies, human cyborgs and aliens.”
Mr. Bruckheimer also boasted that he will be producing the remake of Citizen Kane in color and in 3D. However, instead of William Randolph Hearst being the principal inspiration for Charles Foster Kane it will be Bill Gates. And instead of “Rosebud” as his dying words it will be Yahtzee! Tom Cruise is expected to play the part originally done by Orson Welles. Michael Bay director of Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, Transformers, is to direct the Kane remake.
God help us.
The Forestville Tourism Association believes numerous homes in Forestville are under consideration for Xanadu, the vast palatial estate for Kane. As for the Casablanca remake, they say the scenes in Rick’s Café will be filmed in Forestville.