Background Checks on Library Books?

Borrowing a book? Background check!

Borrowing a book? Background check!

Library staff has noticed an uptick in damage to books borrowed from the library by patrons recently.

The mayor addressed the issue Sunday night with a televised speech on Nutmeg TV from his bunker complex on the third floor of City Hall. Wearing his favorite orange tie and waving an angry and at times, discerning finger, he warned, “Clearly residents are taking their frustration about Obama, Hillary and Governor Malloy out on the books. I think they suck too but this must stop.”

In response to the raucous speech, town democrats proposed the implementation of background checks on any resident borrowing a book, movie or compact disc from the library catalogue. This includes sales by the alleged “Friends of the Library.”

Opponents argue that such checks will lead to a national registry of book abusers which would be useless because patrons that destroy books just don’t care.

Additionally, the democrats proposed an “open carry” policy arguing that books are less likely to be damaged if members are required to have their library cards visible at all times.

Proponents of a concealed and carry library card policy say that will not work. Book borrowers should have the right to conceal and carry their library card while they go about business at the library.

In a carefully crafted statement the democrats said, “We should conduct background checks on book borrowers and develop an open carry policy. These measures are necessary to prevent people with a criminal record or a history of mental illness, violent behavior, or drug abuse from borrowing library materials. This will stop violence against innocent books. It can’t always be the book’s fault.”

City Hall observers keenly noted that politicians will bloviate and prattle in lieu of developing a workable policy, which would require compromise on both sides, but because we have a leadership crisis the status quo will remain the status quo.

Meanwhile books suffer.

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