The results from a long-awaited and highly anticipated secret study reveals Forestville is vulnerable to an air attack and land invasion by extraterrestrials. The study concludes Forestville is a prime target for aliens due to its enormous surplus of scrap metal.
A leaked version of the study identifies numerous escape routes citizens can use by car or foot should Forestville be attacked. The study released by the Extraterrestrial Invasion of Forestville Study or EIOFS for short, strongly recommends residents familiarize themselves with escape routes and combat tactics. If residents cannot evacuate, the report urges they get to the woods and meet up with patriots, militia, survivalists and others to make a “final stand.”
The report also recommends media outlets prepare video packages, background stories and newspaper headlines in advance because there will not be time once the attack begins.
Landry, Issel and Escalanté, a Forestville based consulting firm, were contracted to examine vulnerabilities in Forestville and Bristol. They were awarded the contract based on their neat and orderly tax filings.
Town officials plan to ignore the report in great detail so they do not have to make it public or implement its recommendations.