How to do an Ambush

January 31, 2016

Ambush

Since the town council meeting on January 12, which saw republican operatives ambush a democratic town councilor regarding his purchase of a property outside the district he was elected to represent, many residents want to know how to do an ambush.

According to the National Coalition of Deception & Concealment, which specializes in ambushing, the one executed on the 12th was text book. Insiders say there are four key components that must be followed and were followed that made it a model of success.

1) Be Stealthy

Stealth

Stealth

Stay inconspicuously in the background and wait to spring it and pounce. The element of surprise must be on your side so be cool, patience is the key.

2) The Setup i.e. The Misdirect

Misdirect 01

Pretend you are there for another reason by lavishing audience members with compliments and admiration to distract and put them at ease. Then, drop your payload, the crushing boom lands and you watch the carnage.

3) Blame the Victim

Blame 02

Yes, it is some-what sneaky, what you are doing but stay on message, eventually people will forget. Lemmings, and those that share your ideology, will get in line and have your back.

4) Play Stupid

stupid

Playing stupid is fun and always a hoot, just look around. So, when questioned why you did it say things like, “Huh what do you mean? What are you talking about? What did I do?” Other favorites include “I was merely doing this or I was merely doing that.”

Experts concede ambushing is high risk, high reward, but is a good tactic to use in order to take advantage of a situation, an opponent, friends, coworkers and people you just don’t like because they simply don’t share your views.

AB


Forestville Man Wants To Change The Periodic Table of the Elements

January 30, 2016
The Periodic Table of the Elements

The Periodic Table of the Elements

Forestville resident Caleb Gatch, a Front Desk Clerk at The Plymouth Motor Lodge, believes The Periodic Table of the Elements should be downsized. He is urging the scientific community to remove unpopular elements like lead from the table. “No one wants lead in their water why would they want it in their periodic table?” he recently remarked.

He would also like to rid the table of inert gasses. “I don’t know about you but I would never want to be associated with anything inert.”

Mr. Gatch said the Periodic Table is confusing and frustrating, so it is his goal to make it friendly and easy to understand, “It will prevent tyranny and promote understanding between races, cultures, and religions,” he remarked. “By doing so we can protect the rare earth elements like cerium.”

He went on to say that he would also like to create preserves for precious endangered metals where they too can coexist in harmony.

Last summer, Caleb invited the descendants of Dmitri Mendeleev, the Russian inventor of The Periodic Table of the Elements, to his house for Christmas. They met, shared pleasantries and exchanged gifts, much to Mr. Gatch’s liking. “I gave them some of my home-made aluminum and they gave me some bismuth because you can never have enough lying around the house.”


This Day in Forestville History

January 28, 2016

almanac 01

Today in Forestville History:

1752

We're gonna get you!

We’re gonna get you!

Run Like the Wind, a member of the Tunxis Indian Tribe and a trusted member of the tribal council, resided in Forestville but took up residence in what today is called Southington. Outraged rival tribal members called for his resignation from the Tribal Council because his new wigwam was outside their boundaries.

Their request was denied.

1867

Two angry forgotten Forestville politicians

Angry and forgotten

Citing transparency in government, two mean spirited politicians from Forestville, reportedly traveled to Alaska to investigate the lands that would be purchased from Russia. They got lost in the cold, barren territory and were never seen or heard from again.

1932

Artist rendering of Delwyn Chubble

Artist rendering of Delwyn Chubble

Wanting to simply set the record straight and clarify matters for the voters in the district, Delwyn Chubble a Forestville resident asks a female candidate for Town Council, “Are you currently menopausal?”

2016
?

That’s it. I’m done

AB


Doomsday Clock Coming to Forestville

January 27, 2016
Doomsday Clock

Doomsday Clock

The Doomsday Clock, used to measure the countdown to global catastrophe and the World’s End, is coming to The American Clock & Watch Museum in the Bristol section of Forestville in the spring.

DSCN7029This is the first public exhibition of the clock and it is expected that devotees and fans will make the pilgrimage to the area. The Doomsday Clock Exposition will last three days and visitors can expect an increased level of security at the museum.

The clock has been stuck at three minutes to midnight since January of 2015 so horologists (persons skilled in the art or science of measuring time) and clock watchers alike fear there is a problem with the minute hand. So, they plan to rewind the clock, oil the gears and remove the dust while it is here.

This has been a week of coups for Forestville and Bristol. Last week it was learned that the Shroud of Turin may be brought to Dee’s Cleaners & Laundromat on Farmington Avenue by The Holy See for a cleaning, and late yesterday the Forestville Historical Society discovered a copy of The Declaration of Independence will be sent to them to be spell checked.

AB


Now We Start The Inquisition

January 26, 2016

Human History

During the course of human history, inhumane crimes have been committed impacting the fate of civilization such as man-made famine, forced extinction, and ethnic cleansing.

Now, in the first century of the third millennium, emerges a major and critical revelation. Historians say it is one of the most reprehensible moments known to man.

Scholars believe it will inspire films, novels, essays and works of art.

Theologians claim the act is so vile, despicable and hideous, forgiveness should not be sought and forgiveness should not be given, so dark is the moment.

If children remain in the room currently they should leave now. I’ll wait.

countdown 03

Have they exited the room yet?

Countdown 02

I trust they have left.

Countdown 01

My profound apologies before I continue. You were warned. Last chance.

countdown 0

Okay, here we go.

According to a “friend” a town councilor bought a home out of his voting district and will live there. Shocking, I know. He told me this with his head hung low and in hushed mumbled tones.

Apparently, everyone is an advocate for transparency in government when it is at the detriment of the other side politically. Consequently, the offended party is feigning indignation.

Maybe they will urge the mayor to form an investigative body like The Un-American Activities Committee.

Perhaps they will urge the mayor to hold hearings like Watergate.

Or, perchance, they will demand the mayor allow them to harshly question the guilty party like The Inquisition.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Who knew that among the most important documents ever written by man such as the Magna Carta, The Declaration of Independence, and The Emancipation Proclamation includes a Property Deed?


Satan to Vacation in Forestville This Summer

January 26, 2016
Satan, coming to Forsestville

Satan, coming to Forsestville

After months of speculation it is official, Satan, an admitted adversary of God, will be vacationing in Forestville this summer his spokesperson confirmed.

During his one week vacation he plans to get caught up on his reading, catch a ball game and do some shopping at Herb’s Sport Shop.

The Prince of Darkness is staying in a home with a stunning view overlooking The Pequabuck River for an entire week.

Forestville Police were notified months ago about Satan’s plans and began making preparations immediately. Due to the presence of the beast, extra security and traffic delays are to be expected.

In the last nine months Forestville has seen visits by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, The Angel of Death and now Satan. Public officials do not care to comment on why all the visits from the dominion of darkness.

This is Satan’s first official trip to the village.


The Games Begin

January 25, 2016

COUNCILGATE 02

Calvin Brown, a popular democratic town councilman, recently purchased a home outside of his voting district due to a personal matter and will reside there once his current home is sold. This has caused quite a stir in local political circles because it may preclude him from completing his term.

Republican leaders believe this makes sense since Mr. Brown is now a foreigner working illegally in a district in which he is not a resident.

The public is split about the predicament. Noted vagrant Tom Hasbro said, “I may finally run for Town Council now that whosamawhatsit is out of there. I got great plans for the city, including free beer for people whose name ends in Bro”.

Others, like Forestville’s most popular girl in high school Marjorie Millsap, think it doesn’t matter where a councilman lives as long as he is a Democrat. “I would also be in favor of him if he were Leonardo DiCaprio. His experience in Titanic makes him well prepared to serve no matter where he lives.”

Latham Eikel a spokesperson for Derek Czenczelewski, the city GOP leader who outed Mr. Brown’s real estate transaction, remarked, “It’s also morally reprehensible that Mr. Brown would betray his district and take up with that other district across town. I hope there is a special election!”

Sarah Palin, possible Council District 1 candidate

Sarah Palin, possible Council District 1 candidate

Rumors abound as to who would run in an election to fill Mr. Brown’s seat. Republicans are currently pushing for Sarah Palin as she would thin out the deer herds that hunters claim are rampaging through the Forestville and Bristol streets.

The local head of the Democrat party is considering running a Syrian refugee. Said the head, “They’re here already. We got to find something for them to do.”

AB