Local Legislators Can Predict The Future

February 29, 2016

Breaking News

The Bristol Press reported earlier today that local legislators, Henri Martin, Cara Pavalock and Whit Betts publically predicted last month there would be a state budget deficit this fiscal year.

Incredibly, according to the Budget Office, their prophecy was fulfilled because there will be a deficit for not only this year but next year too!

Based on this new found ability to predict future events, the trio announced they will do Tarot Card readings at Rodd’s Restaurant this weekend.

For $10.99 you can have two farm fresh eggs cooked-to-order, your choice of breakfast meats, a farmhouse side, buttery biscuits, and your fortune told too!

Tax and Gratuity not included.

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Governor Malloy Wants Memos Written in Medieval Latin

February 29, 2016

Medieval Latin 02

Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy is tired of people criticizing his policies, so he’s introducing a bill to mandate all internal memos be written in Medieval Latin.

House Democrats are hesitant. They’re offering a compromise in which memos would instead be written in Ubbi dubbi. Others are suggesting Wingdings as an alternative. Office of Policy and Management Secretary Benjamin Barnes, Malloy’s budget chief, said last week, “If you can’t understand it how can you criticize it. Brilliant!”


Due to the state budget issues Malloy will host a segment on QVC this week where he will sell statutes and battle flags from the State Capitol building to finance the budget shortfall.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, the republicans have a legislative proposal to seek corporate sponsorship for the various government buildings in Hartford including the Legislative Office Building. However, they have yet to propose the bill because they do not know how to file the paperwork.

Writing Useless Legislation

February 28, 2016

legislation for dummies

The story that will not go away just will not go away.

Forestville/Bristol state legislators Whit Betts, Cara Pavalock and Henri Martin will be embarking on a national tour this summer to promote the book they recently authored entitled, Writing Useless Legislation For Dummies.

The book comes on the heels of their recent legislative initiative. The trio authored a bill forbidding town councilors from representing one district while living in another. As a result they decided to chronicle their efforts into a book.

Town republicans have come apart at the seams regarding Bristol Councilman Calvin Brown’s residency issue. So, Betts, Pavalock and Martin put forth their proposal because they felt their views must be adopted by the 169 municipalities in the state.

In a press release about the reference book they said, “Writing Useless Legislation For Dummies is a guide for politicians to write unnecessary, trivial and pointless legislation like ours.”

Tips 01
The book retails for $20.00 but if you wait for the paperback to come out you can snag it for $10.00. Or, used bookstores and consignment might even give it away.


The tour will visit book stores, libraries, bars, piano recitals – anywhere that will have them. No dates have been announced yet.

Dummy Man

Live from Hartford it is CT-N 24/7!

February 27, 2016

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A bill currently before the Connecticut State Legislature if passed will expand the Connecticut Television Network (CT-N) to 24 hours. The cable network currently broadcasts state government hearings and other related functions on a limited basis.

Under the 24 hour format they will cover more proceedings, including news conferences, election coverage and executive state agency hearings, meetings and original content. Staff members are excited because this may allow them to finally use more than one camera and a professional microphone.

Government officials applaud this proposal, “Last legislative session we broadcast a state senator doing a puppet show for the first lady and it pulled in monster ratings. With more original content I am convinced we will be a strong competitor to Netflix,” said Henri Martin, who represents Connecticut’s 31st Senatorial District, which includes Bristol, Harwinton, Plainville, Plymouth and Thomaston and appears on CT-N as “Gonzo Bonkers.”

Among the original content being considered is a game show called, Guess Whose Moving Out of State?, State House of Cards, and a daytime drama, As the Legislature Turns.

State hearings sponsored by the sleep supplement, COMA

State hearings sponsored by the sleep supplement, COMA

Government watchers hope committee hearings can now be sponsored too. For example CT-N coverage would begin with a voice-over narration announcing, “This Aging Committee Hearing is made possible by COMA, the sleep tablet; a long term medical answer, to a short term lifestyle problem.”

One Lane Mania

February 25, 2016
Memorial Boulevard

Memorial Boulevard

The Memorial Boulevard, the gateway to downtown, will soon be a one lane roadway going in each direction, much to the disappointment of many motorists. “I am disappointed,” said one, added another, “Me too.”

Currently, a two roadway traveling in each direction, the boulevard is being changed to accommodate a bike path and to just frustrate and anger drivers. “It is incumbent of government to make life as difficult as possible for residents,” said Benjamin Stubbs, a clerk with the Traffic Division.

Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson remarked, “Fifty percent of peoples be happy about this, fifty percent mad and other fifty percent not notice nothing.”



City officials say, this change will reduce car accidents and increase bike accidents, while preserving the paint budget since they will no longer be required to paint white lines identifying the lanes.

“I knew traffic was flowing too freely through this town. I figured they were either going to have to make it one lane or turn the left lane into a toll lane,” quipped a commuter. “Anyway, can you get out of the way so I can keep driving?”

In response to the naysayers the mayor said, “This is a change the drivers of the city will look back on as they sit in traffic and smile about. When some car drives 10 mph below the speed limit, the drivers stuck behind it should see this as not as a traffic problem, but a traffic opportunity – a way to bring the people of Bristol and Forestville closer together, which is what I said I was going to do.”

ResignationGate and the Battle for Street Cred

February 21, 2016
The Connecticut State Capitol

The Connecticut State Capitol

ResignationGate just won’t go away. The battle has now gone to the state capitol.

Local, state legislators Whit Betts, Cara Pavalock, Henri Martin and Frank Nicastro recently introduced legislation, which will prohibit town councilors from serving in a district in which they do not live (Nicastro was initially for it but is now against it – maybe, sort of).

Councilman Calvin Brown, who inspired the proposal due to his living arrangement, is no doubt stressed over the circumstances he finds himself politically, has made numerous comments about his situation and even quoted a lyric from a song by legendary rapper Tupac Shakur in reference to his political rivals by saying “I’m not mad at you.”

Whit Betts desperately does not want to lose out on the street cred battle so he remarked at a press conference concerning the matter, “Yo! Nuff’ trippin dog. Represent! Don’t play me Holmes.” He then thumped his chest, made the peace sign and together with his posse consisting of Pavalock and Martin, bounced from the presser, presumably to his crib where they chillaxed.

Proposed Medical Building Could Receive Facelift

February 20, 2016


According to a recent survey, residents of Forestville/Bristol believe the proposed 100,000 square foot medical office building to be constructed by Bristol Hospital on the former mall property is in a word “really freaking boring.” Building planners say it is as exciting as lint.

City leaders and hospital administrators concede the proposed building is not inspiring. Therefore, they are looking to expand their idea and have a variety of businesses in the medical building. “Just because it is a medical building doesn’t mean it can’t be exciting and sexy,” remarked Aretha Ezra, a member of the development team.

Cabaret Lounge 03The project will now include retail and entertainment as part of the venture. “Women can have a mammogram and then get their nails done in the Medical Nail Boutique, and the men can enjoy a cocktail and a lap dance in the Cabaret Lounge, while the girlfriend or wife is having her glucose checked. There is something for everyone,” Ms. Ezra stated.

Other forms of amusement include batting cages in radiology; a billiards room, a fun house and a water slide near billing. A speakeasy on the fourth floor is being planned and a dance club in the Ophthalmology Department.

Residents are now invigorated about the medical building, “This is way hip,” said Chauncey Chalmers. “I can pay my bill, have blood work done and shoot some stick while waiting for the lab results.”

Limited Time