School Bus Driver to Start Tours of Forestville

March 30, 2016

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Dewey Jasper, a school bus driver for the town, will be providing tours of Forestville.

The tour includes the many interesting sights and attractions such as the library, two rocks that kind of look like faces and his ex-girlfriend’s house. “It’s not stalking if I’m at her house on business,” he remarked confidently.

Mr. Jasper said the tour lasts five to ten minutes, depending on traffic and if the school bus breaks down or not, and includes his live off color and open ended commentary.

The school bus tours leave from the Todd Street lot and happen infrequently during the daytime and evening hours beginning Friday night.


Local CPA Advocates the IRS Make Taxes Fun

March 28, 2016

Fun 01

Forestville CPA Chandler Juliet wants the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) to make taxes fun. “The tax code is difficult to understand so all the fun is taken out of it. The tax laws must be written so they can be understood by taxpayers, accountants and even by H&R Block employees too,” he said.

Mr. Juliet believes the tax code forces taxpayers to not only find loopholes and tax credits, but to burrow and nest inside the tax code too.

Chandler approached the IRS last year and encouraged them to make taxes fun by offering taxpayers incentives to file such as coupons and free hams, especially if they filed early. “The ham idea was met with tons of resistance because the IRS feared a trichinosis outbreak,” he remarked.

The popular CPA also encouraged the IRS to create a mascot with a red cape and spandex tights saying, “It would give the public something to root for.”

Chandler Juliet making taxes fun

Chandler Juliet making taxes fun

Like many government entities the Internal Revenue Service is resistant to change and new ideas. “In the end they turned down my suggestions so every April 15th I am dressed like a clown while I prepare returns, and at Christmas I give tax forms as stocking stuffers,” Chandler divulged.

Forestville Man Determined to Change the Periodic Table of the Elements

March 27, 2016

Periodic Table

The Periodic Table of the Elements is a charted arrangement of the chemical elements, and Forestville resident Caleb Gatch wants to change it.

Mr. Gatch believes the reason people don’t care about science is because the Periodic Table of the Elements is confusing and difficult to remember. “No one can recall the elements because they are so [EXPLETIVE DELETED] baffling,” he said while doing laundry.

Caleb contacted the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) with a strongly worded letter, and demanded changes to the Periodic Table.

“The Periodic Table identifies Sulfur as S but Sulfur really, really stinks like a POW so it should be changed to Pu. How could anyone forget that?” he asked.

However, this poses a problem because Plutonium is already identified as Pu on the table. “Plutonium is radioactive, so I get that you don’t mess with that [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Therefore, ever so delicately, Plutonium would be updated to Ra for radioactive.”

But according to Caleb the element that must be changed is the most common one, Hydrogen. “This element is found in nearly everything but everyone knows it mostly for the Hydrogen Bomb. Would it not be easier to remember if it were changed from boring old H to something exciting and sexy such as Kb for Ka-boom?”

Caleb Gatch wants to identify Hydrogen as Kb for Ka-boom

Caleb Gatch wants to identify Hydrogen as Kb for Ka-boom

He also wants to rid the table of some inert gasses. “I would never want to be thought of as inert, would you? [EXPLETIVE DELETED] eh man.”

To date the IUPAC has not responded.

Forestville Woman Worries

March 23, 2016

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Forestville resident Malika Robinson is successful. She works; she is married, has children, pays taxes and owns a home. However, she worries, a lot. Contrary to her husband Demarco, who currently is just worried about his NCAA tournament bracket, Malika worries about everything.

While lying in bed Saturday night she tossed and turned and ruminated about the following:

Did I shut the water off on the washing machine?
Did the hose get rolled up?
Did I buy birthday presents?
Did I sign the kid’s permission slips?
What time does Walmart open?
Do we have enough laundry detergent?
What time do the kids get out when it is a half day?
Where are the cats?
How many days until Christmas?
Will the UPS driver leave my package out in the rain?
Did I buy apples to make apple sauce?
Did the kids brush their teeth before they went bed?
Did I brush my teeth before I went bed?
When will my husband clean the garage?
Where is my husband?
Do I still have a husband?
What is my husband’s name?

That is while trying to fall asleep.

The following night the postulations continue:

What was that noise I heard in the attic?
What will happen if I stop breathing?
Is the FDA suppressing cures for diseases?
Is there human DNA in hotdogs?
What is pseudoscience and why is it gaining ground?
Do UN Member States negotiate fairly?
How could there have been two shooters in Dallas?
What is going on in neuroscience, economics, philosophy, physics, psychology, and biology?
Is the Boulevard really going to be one lane?
Why did Charlie at the office only drink a half of cup of coffee today?

Psychologists say women have a predisposition to worrying versus men who tend to worry when they need to worry. “Why should I worry? She does the worrying for everybody,” Demarco remarked while playing video games with his buddies.

That is little comfort for Malika. “It’s true I do worry. I am worried about this article. Will anyone read it t? Are there any typos? What’s the word count? Will the lead be buried? Will your audience want to read it? If not is it my fault?”

USS Hartford Breaks Through Ice at Arctic Circle; May Not Be Able to Break Back Through

March 20, 2016

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New video footage shows the nuclear submarine USS Hartford emerging at the Arctic Circle. The submarine was covered in thick ice so a quick work force was thrown together to clear the ice upon surfacing.

However, consistent with it being named after a city in Connecticut, Navy officials may have a harder time getting it back in the water after realizing they may not have enough money to return it from Arctic.

Union officials say they’re open to negotiations to reduce manpower costs. “We agree that five spotters to watch the sub return below the surface could be more than what is needed. But rules do mandate hiring three people to drink coffee and watch the spotters — that is non-negotiable.”

Another stumbling block is that EPA rules require that all ice that is broken be replaced once they leave. Currently, the Navy has contracted Halliburton to fly in ten artificial snow makers to do the job.

EPA mandates also require that trees be planted in the area to offset carbon emissions from the submarine. At present, efforts by Navy servicemen to get trees to grow in plain ice have so far failed.

Story developing…


March 19, 2016

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From the Forestville NewsDesk.

Dateline Saturday March 19, 2016. Alan Boardman reporting.

Fortune Teller


Forestville resident Mora Casabian recently canceled her subscription to Fortune Teller Magazine, complaining to friends she said, “It reads me while I read it.”


Recently, a suspicious looking car drove down a suspicious looking road and passed a suspicious-looking person in a highly suspicious section of Forestville, police said late Friday.

The car drove off, the person walked away but the road remains at large. Apparently no one was hurt during the incident.

Unknown Relic Remains Safely Unknown


An unknown historic relic that has gone undiscovered remains unknown and undiscovered, according to Forestville historian Elgin Plinth.

Mr. Plinth speaking at the Forestville Historical Society intimated that he does not know what the artifact is or where it is, but he is close to finding it.

Woman Dissatisfied with Book


Libby Baggins visited Borders and purchased a book called Sketchbook and was disappointed. “I thought it would contain famous sketches and drawings, but when I brought it home and opened it I discovered that every page was completely blank. Who sells a book with blank pages?” she asked.

Correction to the article, Unknown Relic Remains Safely Undiscovered:

It was stated that Mr. Plinth did not know where the artifact is, but he plans on finding it soon.

This should be corrected to read:
A man in Plainville did find the relic and Mr. Plinth plans on stealing it from him soon.

Moreover, the statement:
An unknown historic relic that has gone undiscovered…
Should be changed to:
An unknown relic that has absolutely no historical significance has gone undiscovered due to lack of interest by archaeologists…

Speed of Sound

speed of sound

Lastly, I am not sure I like the idea of these hypersonic passenger jets they are developing. How do you carry on a conversation when traveling faster than the speed of sound?


In the Beginning

March 18, 2016

Heaven and Earth

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and he thought he did good the first day.

The second day came and went without much commotion.

On the third day, God created man in his own image. He then realized that man needed a companion, a friend, someone that man could rely on, a soulmate, an intellectual equal so God In His Infinite Wisdom created…dog.


But soon God was not happy with man because he noticed that man was a fat, lazy, messy, shallow and ornery beast that rarely bathed, so God punished man and created, woman.

Initially it seemed like a good idea as woman was far more resourceful than man, she could communicate in something other than grunts and groans, and she looked pretty good in a pair of pumps too.

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However, he quickly became frustrated with woman as she constantly nagged and bitched and harassed him about how “You never spend any time with me; you only think of yourself” yada, yada, yada.

So God quick-tempered and all, banished them both from the Garden of Eden. It was a stressful day.

On the fourth day God felt guilty, extremely guilty about what he had done. Thus marked the beginning of religion.

On the morning of the fifth day God decided that man and woman needed something to laugh at, to mock on a regular basis, so he created, politics.

On the sixth day God was tired and created the labor unions. As a result, due to the collective bargaining agreement between God and the universe he got the day off, with pay.

God awoke on the seventh day refreshed and ready to tackle the days tough issues so he decided that this would be a good day for a miracle. Unfortunately because it was Sunday everything was closed so he went home and watched football.

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