Downtown Bristol Kasich Rally Called Off Due to Lack of Violence

John Kasich 04

The scheduled campaign rally for presidential hopeful John Kasich was canceled at the last minute Friday due to a lack of protestors clashing with anyone.

“Our candidate tends to be angry, but very dull,” said a local Kasich campaign worker. “Our audiences need something edgy to make it through another clichéd story or canned theme about lifting up people. Unfortunately, we can’t draw the crazy people who attack Trump rallies.”

Ideas to create more buzz at campaign events include onstage exorcisms, holding cock fights and having Kasich wrestle the state animal.

“He’ll be able to make it through a lot of matches fine,” says campaign bouncer, Morty Dooperville. “The tough ones will be the states with bears or whales as their mascot.”

April 26, 2016, is Presidential Primary Election Day in the state of Connecticut.

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