Forestville Man Determined to Change the Periodic Table of the Elements

Periodic Table

The Periodic Table of the Elements is a charted arrangement of the chemical elements, and Forestville resident Caleb Gatch wants to change it.

Mr. Gatch believes the reason people don’t care about science is because the Periodic Table of the Elements is confusing and difficult to remember. “No one can recall the elements because they are so [EXPLETIVE DELETED] baffling,” he said while doing laundry.

Caleb contacted the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) with a strongly worded letter, and demanded changes to the Periodic Table.

“The Periodic Table identifies Sulfur as S but Sulfur really, really stinks like a POW so it should be changed to Pu. How could anyone forget that?” he asked.

However, this poses a problem because Plutonium is already identified as Pu on the table. “Plutonium is radioactive, so I get that you don’t mess with that [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Therefore, ever so delicately, Plutonium would be updated to Ra for radioactive.”

But according to Caleb the element that must be changed is the most common one, Hydrogen. “This element is found in nearly everything but everyone knows it mostly for the Hydrogen Bomb. Would it not be easier to remember if it were changed from boring old H to something exciting and sexy such as Kb for Ka-boom?”

Caleb Gatch wants to identify Hydrogen as Kb for Ka-boom

Caleb Gatch wants to identify Hydrogen as Kb for Ka-boom

He also wants to rid the table of some inert gasses. “I would never want to be thought of as inert, would you? [EXPLETIVE DELETED] eh man.”

To date the IUPAC has not responded.

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