Killing the planet?
While some weather watchers fret about a manmade global warming apocalypse, one Connecticut scientist in Central Connecticut State University’s Department of Weather, Dr. Sheila Clebourne eyes a different threat. The climate change specialist is alarmed by an increase in man-caused rainbows.
“Rainbows are a trick of light caused by water vapor. When people sneeze, they emit water vapor. With more people sneezing due to higher pollen counts, we get rainbows of epidemic proportions,” she said in a recent lecture to her children.
But are more rainbows dangerous?
Dr. Clebourne suspects so. A recent article in the Greenpeace lifestyle magazine, “Stone Age Living”, points to research that high levels of rainbow activity causes disorientation in birds, making them fly into trees, parked cars and minor celebrities like Fabio. The condition known as TMR or “Too Many Rainbows” syndrome also causes unreasonable euphoria in humans.
“I feel happy when I see a rainbow,” one Forestville resident said. “I don’t know why. It’s very upsetting.”
Greenland researcher and taxi driver Cornelius Dabney reports ice core analysis shows the Earth is suffering from the worst pollen levels since the Mesozoic era, when TMR caused ancient relatives of birds, the dinosaurs to continually run into each other and become extinct.
“The cause of this spike in sneezing is allergies from manmade gardening. Community gardens and landscaping are the worst pollen spewers,” Dr. Clebourne notes.
To prevent a massive die-off of birds, she urges cities to adopt no-gardening ordinances, starting with Forestville. As well, she supports fining people based on their pollen footprint. “Think of pollen like secondhand smoke — It’s that bad,” she said. “Unless it’s marijuana smoke. I like that.”
The current occupant of Forestville’s mayor’s office could not be reached for a witty comment.