Bristol/Forestville BOE Considers Closing All Schools

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Faced with a budget deficit, the Bristol/Forestville Board of Education (BOE) held an emergency meeting Wednesday to find ways to close the anticipated shortfall.

Rumors have been swirling for days that two schools will be closed to save money. However, according to sources with little or no knowledge of the discussions, in order to close the budget gap school administrators have discussed closing all the schools in town as a means to solve the fiscal crisis. “We need to run government like a business starting with education. If something costs money, never makes money and cannot be supported, it should be closed just like a business. Future generations will thank us,” remarked one education official.

Pie Chart Expenditures

Despite the budget issue, the two synthetic turf fields scheduled to be installed and playable by October of 2016 at a cost over 3 million dollars, will still be completed.

BOE spokesperson, Harriet Grayson, announced from her gold-encrusted lectern before heading off to the Caymans to work on the controversy erupting from her name appearing in the Panama Papers, “Athletes need fields to play; students don’t need a school or classroom to learn.”

Education officials said a decision to close all the schools would affect about 8,000 students, currently. In accordance with their Collective Bargaining Agreements – teachers, administrators and staff members would continue to be paid, receive benefits and bonuses even though they would no longer have any pupils.

“Let’s face it, who likes school anyway, am I right?” asked Ms. Grayson. “So kids who otherwise would waste their day learning useless facts about the Ming dynasty or useless skills like how to apply gouache to a canvas, whatever the H that is, can spend their time more fruitfully, getting out there in the labor force earning minimum wage. It’s a good life lesson.”

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