The Alger Hiss School of Forestville

May 31, 2016
Alger Hiss

Alger Hiss

While Board of Education officials consider closing two public schools, laying off teachers or gutting art and music programs to close a budget shortfall, one man is looking to open a private school in Forestville.

Dante Lore, an education reformer, wants to build the Alger Hiss School of Forestville for eligible students. He previously ran the Julius and Ethel Rosenberg School before it closed because it did not attract any pupils.

All school children in Forestville between the ages of six and sixteen that look like Mr. Hiss and aspire to be Mr. Hiss are encouraged to attend the school.

Alger Hiss was a U.S. State Department official, writer, lecturer and an agent for the Soviet Union until he was convicted for perjury but not espionage (sort of) in 1950.

The school will be an organic farming collective and students will learn about writing, red herrings and the invasion of the Ukraine.

Teachers losing their jobs at the closed schools are invited to submit applications. All applicants will be required to attend an informational and re-education camp though, according to sources.


Consumer Advocate Looks to Ban Food in Forestville Schools

May 30, 2016

Food 01

Noted consumer advocate Jonathan Spiegle is not a newcomer to understanding what is best for children’s welfare. So his current campaign to eliminate lunch in Forestville and Bristol schools has boards of education across the country listening.

“Research shows that the leading cause of obesity is food and obesity in children is epidemic,” Spiegle writes. “To correct this, schools must stop feeding kids. In place of food, we recommend the school provide pacifiers for children who need to chew on something at lunchtime.”

He points to other places where such a policy has worked like the Sudan and Ethiopia. “These countries have shown that through famine, childhood obesity can be solved. We must learn from their example.”

Fifteen years ago, Spiegle successfully campaigned to ban merry-go-rounds from many playgrounds through his book, “Unsafe at Any Speed.” He estimates his campaign saved at least ten children from getting their knees scraped.

Last year he warned parents and schools of the perils of allowing children to play during recess. Many school systems throughout the United States and Canada subsequently banned recess based on the publication of his results in the Journal of Children’s Psychology and Candy.

Should the Board of Education adopt his ideas they will be implemented for the 2016/2017 school year.

Deviated Septum Museum

May 29, 2016


The Deviated Septum Museum, located in the industrial section of Forestville, is the only museum in the United States dedicated to deviated septum’s.

The museum was founded in 1942 by members of Forestville’s high society and features two floors of exhibits, artifacts, photographs, film and oral histories

A deviated septum is a disorder of the nose involving a displacement of the nasal cavity. Researchers estimate that 80% of people, most unbeknownst to themselves, have a nasal issue.

This month the museum showcases deviated septums from the Classical antiquity period with literary stories, paintings and cave drawings. The exhibition delves into other nasal issues such as nosebleeds, snoring and postnasal drip during the 7th century BC from the Assyrian Empire.

Admission is free but it costs $12.50 for adults to leave the museum and $10.50 for children to leave.

Do-Over Anyone?

May 28, 2016

Do over

Alex Chipley is not happy with our city government since the election in November. So, he recently contacted the Connecticut Secretary of State and asked for a do-over of the November elections. Chipley said he is suffering from buyer’s remorse, “I was promised one thing and got another.”

Mr. Chipley, a lifelong Forestville resident and a Walter J. Murphy Bristol Republican, wants to take back his vote. “Between the Ambush, Robert’s Rule of Order, FOI requests, grandstanding and name-calling, what do we have to show for it? A quibbling city council and a one lane Boulevard that’s still two lanes.”

Erskine Dozier, who moved to Forestville from Plainville during the administration of Frank Longo, and is now considering moving back, echoed Chipley’s thoughts and mused, “Where is the collaboration? Where are the statesmen? I am not looking for Churchill or Cicero but we could use a Mayor Dutton right now.”

Cicero 01

The Office of the Secretary of the State, while empathetic with Chipley and Dozier, said there is no provision or mechanism for a do-over, redo or to change a vote once it has been cast for that matter.

Chipley said he is resigned to our collective fate but reflected, “Maybe we are getting the leadership we deserve because it appears to me we elected someone and we should have elected someone else. This is our collective penance.”

Forestville Author Writes Book About Writer’s Block

May 27, 2016

Writers Block 01

A newly published book written by local author and Forestville resident Brooks Calbert chronicles his recent experience with writer’s block.

The aptly titled Writer’s Block is a 312 page book does not have a bibliography, nor is it annotated or illustrated. Additionally, there are no chapters, no sentences and no words. “It is an accurate account of my bout with writer’s block last year,” Mr. Calbert said.

Writer’s block is a condition where the writer loses inspiration and the ability to write or create. There are many causes which the author chose not to address.

Currently there are no plans for a sequel. “It was really challenging coming up with this book. I certainly hope I don’t have to go through this process again,” Mr. Calbert offered.

The book is on sale wherever books are sold and retails for $29.95.

This is Mr. Calbert’s first published work.

Hijinks at Paulie the Paperclip Campaign Endorsement Event

May 26, 2016

paulie ticket

Paulie the Paperclip, seeking to be the first paperclip ever elected to the Connecticut state legislature, appeared before the International Brotherhood of Office Products (IBOP) Monday night seeking their support.

The president of the IBOP delivered a rousing tribute about what a difference Paulie has made in bringing papers of all different colors and pound weight together. At that, members of the Forestville Industrial Singers (FIS), who were in attendance and Paulie supporters, stood en masse and sang a pitch perfect and beautiful rendition of “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” from “Cabaret” in the key of B to show their support.

Later they triumphantly passed the tiny two inch wire paperclip around like he was the Stanley Cup.

FIS performed abridged versions of some popular standards and contemporary works then fielded requests from the stunned audience.

Following the speech and the tunes, the still open jawed audience adjourned to Sporty’s Cafe and reviewed the performance over a pint.

The first reviews to come in were negative as expected.

“I found the choreography trite and the costumes passé.”
Liz Smith, NY Post

“A dreadful, lifeless, yawn fest. The best I can say is pass the Sominex.”
Rex Reed, The New York Observer

“No one was arrested so it is not worth our time to offer a review.”
The Bristol Press

Theatre critics, especially New York theatre critics, can be harsh but not all the reviews were bad, however.

“The rendition of Tomorrow Belongs to Me was terrific fun.”
The Bristol Observer

“I felt like I was at a feel-good musical. Is there a matinee?”
David Manning, Ridgefield Press

“The most fun I have had at an office products event ever!”
Unidentified Man

The tough little paperclip realizes he has a hard battle ahead with no support from the establishment so he was unfazed by the reviews, and plans to do more street performance art while campaigning around Forestville. “I will mime my speech to the Chamber of Commerce and unveil my economic plan with balloon twisting at the People’s Socialist Party Convention later this summer.”

Paulie the Paperclip will mime his next speech

Paulie the Paperclip will mime his next speech

Local Wackos Disappointed with City Hall

May 24, 2016

Wacko 01

It is impossible to please everyone. Case in point.

Sunday, a motley group of people assembled to voice their disillusionment with the mayor and the city council in front of the library, which they thought was City Hall.

“The mayor and the city councilors have disappointed me. I thought for sure with them in charge, we’d all be traveling around in flying cars by now,” grumbled the needy millennial in the group.

“My psychic said that if they were elected, I’d be pregnant,” said one woman who also gave this reporter her phone number for a good time. “But that hasn’t happened. I’m not happy with their performance so far.”

A third member of the group was more pointed. “They promised we’d get drastic tax hikes and open season on bald eagles.” When reminded no one ever promised that, he continued, “then what the hell am I doing out here?”