Cruz Exits Race to Plan the Apocalypse

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

After a week that saw people accuse Ted Cruz’s father of ordering the assassination of JFK and Cruz of using a time machine to carry out the Zodiac Killer killings, he ceded the republican nomination to Donald Trump and admitted that one accusation was true.

“When John Boehner, the former House speaker, claimed I was Lucifer,” Cruz said, “He was not wrong. I then realized that I didn’t need the office of the presidency since as the antichrist, I’m going to rule the world anyway. It’s great to now have time to work on building the lake of fire into which my devil minions will cast humanity.”

Hillary Clinton immediately pivoted to support Cruz. “I know many of you are surprised that I’m changing my stand on issues,” she told an unsurprised crowd. “But if it means I get to be installed president of what is left of the United States after his rule begins, we should all change our stance too. As I said before, it takes a village, even if that village is in hell.”

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