Route 6/Farmington Avenue Could Become a Cul de Sac?

June 30, 2016


The City of Bristol is conducting a study of Route 6/Farmington Avenue to determine its future use.

Residents celebrated the news with fireworks, church bells, frolicking and games of joy when they heard there would be yet another study of the legendary road.

Said one resident, “Wow! How did we get so lucky again?”

The current study is being facilitated by the consulting firm of Fitzgerald & Halliday from Hartford. They were hired because City Planners were impressed that they can do PowerPoint.

The firm began the process by soliciting ideas from the public and ideas have been pouring in from all over.

The Bristol Bureau of Tourism recommended changing the name of Farmington Avenue. A spokesperson stated, “Why are we giving away free advertising to that snooty town? The name suggests Bristol is merely a gateway to West Farms Mall. Therefore, we recommend renaming it Bristol Avenue and making it a cul de sac so people can’t drive to Farmington from here.”

The Chamber of Commerce suggested renaming Farmington Avenue to Dunkin Donuts Avenue. “There are so many Dunkin Donuts on this road they should be us paying naming rights,” their e-mail quipped.

Dunkin Donuts Avenue?

Dunkin Donuts Avenue?

Local art aficionado Alvar von Aachen made it known that he wants an abstract piece of art “that everyone will hate” near the Terryville border or a “hovel with a crazy character living in it like every other famous road does.”

A citizen simply named D. Malloy advocated the installation of tolls. In fact “numerous tolls” was his exact comment.

One fancy pants attorney wants all the homes seized through eminent domain so they can be developed by his clients for commercial purposes.

Doug Loogie however, strongly urged a Porn Palace be built expeditiously on “the ave” to replace the one that just went out of business. “One would be good, two would be better” he wrote.

And old timer Bartismus Fink weighed in and proposed Route 6/Farmington Avenue be narrowed to one lane, and that the entire Stop & Shop Plaza (originally Bristol Shopping Plaza) be demolished and returned to its former glory – a wooded swamp.

City officials say the study could take several months or numerous weeks, whichever comes first.


Road Paving Monday

June 29, 2016

Asphalt 01

Fans of asphalt are in for a treat this Monday as Overlook Avenue will be repaved. Eventgoers are reminded to stay at least 10 feet from the crews as they work, to wear plenty of sunblock and stay hydrated.

No restroom facilities will be available at the event. Concession stands will serve pizza, French fries, cold drinks and gratin des ecrevisses avec haute legumes in a white sauce.

Ribbon cutting will be 10 am sharp and paving is expected to last until 4 pm the next day, depending on union rules governing strikes and the speed of work.

No flash photography is allowed and fireworks other than sparklers are prohibited. An autograph session with crew members and a Q&A will take place after.

Attendees are instructed to arrive early because large crowds are expected.

Shocker: Poll Finds Bristol Far Behind in Education

June 28, 2016

Poll 01

A recent survey of 15 children and 10 adults in downtown Bristol reveals a worrying deficiency in knowledge of important subjects like sports history. When asked “Who hit for the New York Yankees in 1927?”, most respondents did not know or answered, “Eli Manning.”

Survey results also showed that few people knew the ERA of the Red Sox pitching staff in the 1910s, who scored the winning goal for the New York Rangers in the ’94 Stanley Cup and who was the New York Knicks’ losingest coach.

Who scored the winning goal for the New York Rangers in the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals?

Who scored the winning goal for the New York Rangers in the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals?

Local knowledge of this year’s British FA Cup winner was even worse with 0% answers correct, leaving Bristol lagging far behind the 70% correct response obtained in a similar poll in London.

The survey was conducted by the Build a Better Bristol (BBB) coalition by phone and by aggressively accosting people on the street. The report concluded that sports knowledge was highest among adults aged 30-45 and 63 and children aged 25.

The worst scores were from toddlers aged 2-3. One even ran away to his mommy. Overall, Bristol ranked 25th among 26 cities and countries that met the standard 6 and 5 criteria. Scores were tabulated using math with an error of plus or minus 5 bosons.

Poll 03

The BBB reported poor scores in other subjects like social justice where less than 20% were aware of Kim Kardashian’s favorite color, and only 10% knew or had no opinion why Jennifer Aniston deserves a happy marriage this time.

No respondent got the hardest question — “How many children does Angelina Jolie have now?” More disappointing responses came in the category of zoo trivia. A majority fared the worst on “Which marsupial has the smallest ears?”, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” and “Which animal got the highest ratings on the Nature Channel?”

Lecturing from her gold-encrusted podium, the school superintendent had strong words for the mayor. “Today we have another example of how Bristol schools lag behind the rest of the world. Instead of wasting money on pet projects, I urge the mayor to waste it on education.”

The Fire Department, which was not implicated in this report, could not be reached for comment.

Barnes Nature Center Director States Goal to Be Safest Nature Center in U.S.

June 27, 2016


In light of the recent tragic incidents at zoos, the director of the Barnes Nature Center is determined to make people’s encounters with animals at the center as safe as possible.

For this, the Center is raising two-hundred thousand dollars to install safeguards. For instance, half-inch thick bulletproof glass will be installed in the frog exhibit to protect visitors from the unpredictable amphibians. As well, the resident red-tailed hawk will wear a ball gag and tiny shoes during visiting hours.

Other precautions will be taken on the trails. All paths will be paved with asphalt and lined with concrete guard rails with electrified hurricane wire to prevent deer and other animals from entering. Fields will be sprayed to kill off all stinging insects. Footbridges and areas near streams known to have turtles in them will bear large red signs that read, “Warning: Turtles”.

Critics think the Center is being overly cautious. The director disagrees. “If we can protect even one child from realizing nature isn’t this magical place where animals get along and only want to love humans, it’s worth it.”

A fundraising dinner for the campaign will be held at Nuchie’s this Saturday. Ralph Nader will be the guest speaker. The topic of his speech will be “Cheetahs: Unsafe at any Speed.”

Mayor to Resign Following Brexit Vote

June 24, 2016


In what is expected to be a quiet and solemn ceremony at City Hall today, the mayor is going to resign following Great Britain’s vote to leave the European Union yesterday.  

Experts predicted there would be consequences if Britain left the EU and the mayor of Bristol, Connecticut, resigning was one of them.

Following the vote world markets plunged to record lows.  As a result Thomaston Savings Bank and other community lenders said they would do everything possible to keep financial stability in the region by staying open until 5 PM every day, and handing out more free bank pens.


Will Forestville Leave Bristol Following EU Vote? 

Will Connecticut Leave New England? 

Local Legislators Want Drawings or Pictures Included With All Laws and Statutes

June 22, 2016


State Representative Cara Pavalock hopes to be co-authoring a bill with colleague Whit Betts next legislative session that requires visual aids be included with all legislation. “For fun I recently read Penal Code, Public Act 69-828, 1969 House Bill no. 7182 and I did not understand it. Pictures next to the law with arrows and circles to crucial parts would have come in handy,” Ms. Pavalock said.

Legislation 2

Mr. Betts, who plans on adding most of the punctuation to the proposal, elaborated, “Most people in my district will only read if there are visuals like a drawing. The exclusion of pictures, photos, illustrations, paintings or doodles from our laws and statutues is meant to keep them in the dark so they remain confused, unaware and uneducated.”

According to Ms. Pavalock, “The blind have Braille. The deaf have sign language. Picture readers or rather people that read by looking at pictures have nothing. This bill changes all of that.”

This proposal is contingent on both candidates winning reelection in November, and the legislature agreeing on something when they reconvene.

The Mayor Has His Own Channel on Twitch

June 20, 2016

twitch 01

Fans of the mayor have a new way to watch him work. As of May 1, he has his own channel on Twitch.

Twitch is a website that enables people to watch others play video games on their computer or smartphone. The mayor’s spokesman said that most people don’t know all the duties a mayor has and this is a fun way to find out.

Viewers can see him as he reviews paperwork, flips through paperwork and signs paperwork. To make it more exciting, point values have been assigned to all his duties. Special events like ribbon cuttings earn bonuses.

One of the five subscribers to the new channel, little Timmy Longstreet describes how excited he was to see the mayor rack up 75 experience points with one mound of paperwork. “I hear the town auditors are going to flood him with like a million pages of documents. Forget Call of Duty, me and my friends will stay home for that!” he said breathlessly.

During a recent city council meeting, the mayor stole enough experience and health from Calvin Brown to reduce him to a Level 17 councilman. The victory was total, capped by audience chants of “Finish him!” inspired by the video game, Mortal Kombat. The bout gave Hizzoner enough magic points to reach ability four, which gives mayors the power to summon two councilmen anywhere they are.

The mayor’s spokesman says this foray into the interweb is not only a way to connect with future voters, but a way to boost local pride. “Other cities have mayors, but how many of them can brag they got a Level 32 mayor?”