Vicious and Frantic Writing Spree Ends Peacefully

Frantic 01

Late Thursday in a three-hour rampage, local humorist and Forestville resident John Eggers parodied his boss and his wife several times before turning his humor on himself.

Eggers was armed with an Eberhard Faber Number 2 pencil, college-ruled paper and several rounds of Algonquin Round Table wit. He also had on him a so-called “Parody Hit List,” in which he had the names of other potential targets.

“The list showed the suspect planned to assault the head of the local pizzeria with epigrams and dirty limericks about pizza toppings,” the police chief said to reporters. “However, it was closed for the Feast of the St. Anthony the Abbot, patron saint of pizza, whom Eggers also planned to lampoon.”

Police arriving at Eggers’ home were met with a barrage of insults and one-liners. None of the policemen were injured by the remarks. The writer however, threatened to satirize the whole police force should they try to enter.

The standoff ended when Eggers ran out of witty retorts to the police negotiator. He was taken into custody and charged with aggravated mockery in the first degree. If convicted, he faces up to five years working for The Hartford Courant, America’s dullest newspaper as rated by Zagat’s and four years’ probation during which time he will be banned from making any snide comments.

“People think that just because they can publish their work, they can make fun of anyone or point out the irony in anything,” said police spokesman Jack Smallpenis.

Currently, victims are being treated by police joke therapists. Their names are being withheld pending notification of Eggers’ literary agent.

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