Blues Lose, Are the Democrats to Blame or Are the Republicans?

July 31, 2016

Blame 01

The Bristol Blues recently lost two games in a row and city Republicans believe the Democrats are responsible.

To stop the losing skid, Republicans were seen outside Muzzy Field near the entrance where Babe Ruth, Connie Mack and many local legends once stood, with pitch forks and torches demanding Democrats not attend Friday night’s game.

Democratic favorites Rippy Patton and Calvin Brown attempted to reason with the angry crowd with facts and statistics. It did nothing. Republicans, hurling scornful insults, jabbed their pitchforks and waved their torches at them.

State legislators Whit Betts, Cara Pavalock and Henri Martin heard it was getting testy and quickly issued a joint statement urging calm, and then headed over to Rodd’s Restaurant presumably for a short stack with eggs, bacon and tasty pork rolls.

Things then got weird.

The promo van for Bristol’s Internet Rock Radio Station – The Beat, arrived and the hard working crew handed out gift cards while they played a mix of Van Halen and Public Enemy to lighten the mood. Unfortunately it didn’t.

77th District candidate Laura Bartok showed up, made a quick study of the situation and put forth a policy paper to solve the problem. No one noticed.

One time mayoral hopeful Rick Kriscenski materialized out of thin air from the 1990s with bullhorn in hand hysterically demanding an ice rink be built, and taxes raised on the wealthy.

A riot nearly erupted.

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Eventually, as the Blues rallied, all the ideological combatants put their differences aside for a few innings and cheered the home team on together to a 7-2 win.

However, as the crowd emptied to the neighborhood streets around the historic ballpark, City Councilor Mary Fortier stood alone on the outfield grass. Grappling with what had transpired she wondered, “Where has Bristol gone? What can Bristol do? Why did the Blues make that pitching change?”

As all seemed lost, suddenly the public address system crackled back to life. A voice wafted over the field and quoting 18th century Scottish philosopher David Hume said the following:

“Your corn is ripe today; mine will be so tomorrow. ‘Tis profitable for us both, that I should labour with you today, and that you should aid me tomorrow. I have no kindness for you, and know you have as little for me. I will not, therefore, take any pains upon your account; and should I labour with you upon my own account, in expectation of a return, I know I should be disappointed, and that I should in vain depend upon your gratitude. Here then I leave you to labour alone; You treat me in the same manner. The seasons change; and both of us lose our harvests for want of mutual confidence and security.”

The scattered few left in attendance turned to identify the speaker but the stadium lights faded to black leaving everyone in the dark together to ponder.

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DB Cooper Spotted in Forestville

July 29, 2016
D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper skyjacked a Boeing 727 airplane in 1971 for $200,000 in ransom and parachuted out of the aircraft somewhere over Washington State. He has never been found. The FBI just suspended its investigation into the skyjacker two weeks ago. Since then D.B. Cooper sightings have been reported all over Forestville.

Cooper was spotted by Newton Corley at Legends Sports Bar And Grill on Pine Street in a celebrative mood drinking a bourbon and soda Monday evening.

Muhammad Terez said he saw Cooper in the picnic area at a Blues game Tuesday eating a hot dog, downing beers and flashing a lot of money.

And Emma Glockenspiel identified the fugitive in line at City Hall wearing a dark suit, black tie and sunglasses registering to vote Thursday morning.

“It has been long been rumored that a D.B. Cooper lived in Forestville but we all thought he kept a low profile because he was shy. Who knew that it was because the FBI was after him?” remarked local busy body Fred Hemple.


Forestville Residents Protest Sweltering Heat

July 26, 2016

heatindex

Forestville residents took to the streets of the village Monday demanding an end to the current heat wave, which has seen temperatures in the 90s for five days.

Demonstrators, starting at Todd Street, marched to City Hall chanting, singing and banging drums while denouncing all things hot.

Debbie Wynot was among the horde demanding City Hall do something about ending the heat wave. “Our leaders said during the election they would protect us. What are they waiting for winter?” Ms. Wynot asked.

The protesters held up anti heat signs and gave speeches on the steps of City Hall about the perils of sweltering heat. Chants of “Hey Hey, Ho Ho this heat wave has got to go,” could be heard in Rockwell Park.

The crowd was so raucous that an image of the Heat Index was burned in effigy.

Officials say they have no plan in place to quell the punishing heat and instead will let nature take its course, much to the disappointment of the protestors.

The National Weather Service said they expect the summer to remain a mixture of warm and hot.

AB

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Sunday Conversation: Kenneth Shelby

July 24, 2016

Sunday Conversation 01

In an exclusive, AB secured an interview with an elusive candidate for the 77th seat, Mr. Kenneth Shelby of the newly formed Bristol First Party. We sat down for a Sunday conversation.

Boardman: Thanks for speaking with us, Mr. Shelby.

KS: I’m not Mr. Shelby.

Boardman: I have a picture of you right here with your name right on it.

KS: Oh.

Boardman: Mr. Shelby, opponents say you duck debates.

KS: Tea?

Boardman: That you dissemble, evade and don’t like talk about the issues.

KS: Maybe you’re a lemonade person.

Boardman: They say you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

KS: That’s not true. I do know! I have lots of great ideas.

Boardman: Critics point out that you also have a few “wacky” ones as if you threw them in for effect. For instance, you want to bring in coal companies to strip-mine and plunder Fall Mountain, lower the voting age to seven and balance the budget with special taxes on soda jerks and leech collectors, ignoring the fact those occupations no longer exist. What do you say in your defense?

KS: Look! I made you a sweater!

The Democratic Primary is August 9th 2016, and the general election will be held on November 8, 2016. Stay informed all year with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.


Forestville Man “Bring Back the Sedition Acts!”

July 22, 2016

Alien and Sedition Acts

The Aliens and Sedition Acts recently celebrated its 218th anniversary.

Passed in July of 1798 by Congress and signed by President Adams, the legislation made it harder for an immigrant to become a resident, and unlawful for anyone to write anything critical against the federal government.

Forestville eccentric Martin Van Doreen recently held a party in his home paying tribute to the legislation. He kicked off the celebration by banning attendees from saying anything critical about him, and prohibiting anyone from attending that he believed “looked funny, foreign or suspicious including myself.”

Celebrants raised a glass of Côte du Rhône and sang “Happy Birthday” to the Alien and Sedition Acts, and were then served Duck à l’Orange ubiquitously for dinner.

Van Doreen said he thought the Alien and Sedition Acts was a swell idea because “you just can’t have critics running around writing or promoting critical things about the government.”

As a result he wants a Sedition Act ordinance passed specifically that prohibits Bristol/Forestville citizens from writing, printing, or uttering bad words publically or privately in their homes, businesses or social gatherings, which are critical and scurrilous of City Hall.

“A Sedition ordinance at the municipal level would not only silence critics, naysayers and those that don’t know any better but provide me, and maybe others I don’t know, with intense physical and emotional paroxysmal excitement,” Van Doreen stated with great aplomb during the celebration. “And what is wrong with that?”


Funding Changes To Impact Tourism in Bristol and the State

July 20, 2016

Revolutionary

Governor Malloy recently announced budget-cutting goals that affect all state agencies. Among those facing cutbacks is the Connecticut Office of Tourism (COT). Parcheesi grandmaster and COT director Randy Fiveash has identified several places to meet the lower budget targets.

One is to replace the welcome center in Danbury with a push-button kiosk featuring the voice of Siri.

Advertising for the state will focus on less expensive media such as radio and the use of town criers. To save costs on ink and printing, the long slogan, “Connecticut – Still Revolutionary” will be replaced by a cat emoji. “Everyone likes cats,” explains Fiveash.

cat 01

Grants to tourist destinations like Mystic are also threatened. In response, Mystic Aquarium’s president plans changes like shorter hours of operation, replacing staff with trained seals, as well as combining the alligator and shark tanks and hoping for the best.

Since the large old ships at Mystic Seaport require expensive maintenance, their director is shelving them in favor of smaller, replica boats in an upcoming exhibit entitled, “Dingeys of the American Revolution”.

Fiveash’s plan includes reducing the number of towns they promote in official visitors’ guides to save on printing costs and focus their efforts on Connecticut’s “jewels.” “We must accept that many cities in the state are plain boring, or reflect badly on the state — like Bridgeport.”

Bristol Bureau of Tourism (BBT) spokesman Laura Mums is anxious to make Bristol one of those jewels. “Bristol has amazing museums and a nature center. One thing we wanted to add was the world’s largest rubber band. Unfortunately, the State hasn’t funded this project due to the budget problem and concerns we’d use it to fire spit balls at New Britain.”


State to Take Control of Pokémon Go Mania

July 19, 2016

Pokemon Go

The latest craze to hit the market is Pokémon Go, where players use their phone to track down virtual Pokémon characters outdoors. The Department of Energy and Environmental Protection (DEEP) is conscious of the vast numbers of players and therefore has set out to manage the situation.

First, all Pokémon players will be required to obtain a license to hunt Pokémon in Connecticut and pay $75.00 for the license, plus another ten bucks for the permit if hunting on state property.

Second, strict limits will be placed on the number of Pokémon that can be caught each day.

Commissioner of DEEP and noted stamp collector Rob Klee explained it like this. “Our charge is to protect and manage environmental resources and wildlife in Connecticut, both real and artificial. We want to ensure that we never run out of our precious native Pokémon.”

Noted Pokémon trainer Ash Ketchum couldn’t be reached for comment. Since he is an anime character and does not actually exist.

(Correction: An earlier version of this story incorrectly reported that Klee said this was a ridiculous idea. Boardman apologizes for this error and should have known better)