August 31, 2016
A highly-anticipated special meeting of the Bristol City Council was held Monday night regarding the mayor’s improprieties.
Residents were on edge wondering if the council would impose a punishment. Rumors have been swirling of a possible coup d’état or a military junta being installed by opposition forces. Martial law was not declared but citizens were instructed to remain indoors and listen to the radio or watch TV for instructions.
Once the meeting began councilors adjourned themselves to the Chamber of Seclusion to discuss possible disciplinary action. City Hall sources said that while taking turns wearing the Cone of Decision, councilors discussed taking away the mayor’s soundproof office, prohibiting him from attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and bulldozing a highlight of his administration the seldom used grass herbage, which lies within the ruins of the former mall site; known colloquially known as The Patch.
Following two excruciating hours, during which time residents sat nervously by the radio and television waiting to hear the mayor’s fate, councilors emerged from the Chamber of Seclusion, tired, weary and worn, but without a verdict.
The six council members, despite each wearing the Cone of Decision, decided to table the matter until next week. A spokesperson for the mayor expressed his frustration with the situation, “Let’s just be done with it already so the mayor can not only get on with serving the good people of Bristol and Forestville, but the bad ones as well.”
August 30, 2016
A month after local writer John Eggers barricaded himself inside his home and wrote snappy one-liners and insults against business establishments and government officials, the Forestville Police Department has concluded their report.
After interviewing eyewitnesses and examining the evidence found at the scene, the FPD probe determined the writing spree began in the predawn hours following a morning cup of coffee, and a fit of inspiration.
No one was impervious to the wrath of his witty repartee. Mr. Eggers took on local politicians, news organizations, his boss, the police and finally himself. Everything was ripe for ripping.
Eggers was held up in the corner of his home office because the police department cut the power denying him computer access. Working by the hue of a dimly lit cigarette, he then journaled his material with a felt tipped quill pen during the standoff with police.
The standoff ended peacefully when he ran out of food, coffee and ink. When police officials entered the home they found the writer barely awake and slumped in the corner meekly writing on the wall with his finger nails. The report describes Mr. Eggers’s writer’s garret as, “In a state of squalor; littered with newspapers, magazines, scripts, wine bottles and Nexium capsules.”
The police report said that although Mr. Eggers was “extremely careless” with his humor, they concluded that “no criminal charges are appropriate.”
According to sources, the jokesmith gave private assurances to law enforcement that he would cease hurling insults about cops and donuts, and Yo Momma jokes aimed directly at the District Attorney’s mother.
Mr. Eggers declined to speak about the matter.
August 29, 2016
The Bristol Knit Club is a group of little old ladies that meets twice a month to knit, crochet, quilt and sip tea. However, unbeknownst to most residents, the geriatric knitters are the Kingmakers of Bristol politics.
Since its inception in the early 1900s, the Bristol Knit Club has been a player in Bristol politics and their blessing is essential for candidates to succeed in local elections.
In a stale, dry, breathless room that smells old, the 12 members congregate once a month. The Bristol biddies knit, carp, pass judgment, share gossip and pretentiously sip their warm tea while they negotiate political nominations by intimidating and strong arming office seekers.
Armed with nothing but yarn, knitting needles and quick wit, the mean old grannies once negotiated the nomination of Joseph Dutton for mayor over a boilerplate candidate in 1916 that later disappeared from the political landscape.
To say candidates are nervous to appear before them is an understatement. Said one former legislative hopeful, “One false move with these gray haired fossils, and you could be found face down in the Pequabuck.”
August 28, 2016
For my Sunday Conversation this week I sat down with Morty Schleckman, who just returned from Rio. The Bristol native was America’s representative in the inaugural 200m waterslide.
Boardman: You finished just out of the medals.
MS: The field was tough. The Samoans swept the event. They’re like rocket-powered cannonballs down the slide.
Boardman: Tell us about what’s involved in the 200m waterslide.
MS: Essentially you lie on your back at the top and slide down. It usually helps if you raise your hands and yell, “Woo hoo!”
Boardman: Where do you train?
MS: Lake Compounce provided Mammoth Falls as our training facility, a family raft adventure. The mornings are usually reserved for us athletes with the kids kicked off the ride.
Boardman: There’s been controversy at this year’s Olympics.
MS: Many Russians were disqualified due to the use of performance-enhancing drugs. In my event, one guy was getting injections of genetically modified chicken fat to help him go faster down the slide. We first suspected it when we’d become very hungry whenever he was around.
Boardman: Tell us about your Olympic experience.
MS: I marched in the opening ceremony. Michael Phelps carried the American flag around the stadium while I was honored to be chosen by my fellow Olympians to push the American pretzel cart. Sadly, they didn’t want me in the closing ceremony. I think they were embarrassed
by my performance on the slide. I understand it – I did lose my swim trunks during one run.
Boardman: What’s the next competition you’re preparing for?
MS: The World Cup. It’ll be held in Italy this year. With the recent earthquake, I hear the slide has become more challenging.
August 24, 2016
Noted Forestville mathematician Boris Gorky uses his vast and unparalleled knowledge of mathematics to solve vexing scientific, and common everyday problems through mathematical equations, much to his wife’s anguish.
Mr. Gorky notoriously suffers from anxiety so every Halloween he cannot decide what candy to distribute to trick or treaters. To solve the lingering problem he set about resolving it with the following equation he developed:
He dispersed Gummy Bears.
Friends and colleagues say bow ties are an important part of Mr. Gorky’s professional look. However, he has difficulty deciding which bow tie to wear each day to the office. Last Tuesday for example he wanted to wear a dog bone bow tie that said “I’ve arrived.” To solve the conflict he identified the problem, developed a plan, and then mathematically solved the problem.
Based on his math, he opted for a tie instead.
Mrs. Gorky enjoys antiquing but this is not an interest shared by her husband. So, last month she asked him if he would care to accompany her to the Flea Market at the Crossing in Plainville. He flippantly responded “whatever.”
According to friends it led to quite a row. He diligently explained that his decision was cognitive based on facts not suppositions. To support his view he painstakingly gathered data, made observations, developed a theory, tested his theory and created a formula within seconds of her question.
Mrs. Gorky went alone.
August 23, 2016
Two days after the day after the day before yesterday, I ran into my friend Lenny at the court house. He’s a time waster. He knows it, I know it, everyone knows it.
Anyway, after exchanging pleasantries, he told me the following knock knock joke:
Him: Knock, Knock
Me: Who’s there?
Me Stopwatch who?
Him: Stopwatch your doing and pay attention!
Lenny has another court date next week.
There are six vowels in the English language and two of them are entire words, “A” and “I.” You won’t see a consonant that is an entire word by itself. Why is that? Anyone know? Anyone?
DID YOU KNOW?
The play Romeo and Juliet is about two people in love. One named Romeo and the other Juliet.
Pizza Hut makes pizzas.
Wind is invisible.
One hundred percent of Canada is made up of Canada.
Water causes drowning.
You can’t make this stuff up people.
Why can’t license plates have reverse lettering?
Or mirror lettering?
Or inverted lettering?
Come on DMV make this happen!
After swimming around all day, do fish get thirsty?
August 22, 2016
The West End
Currently the Connecticut Department of Transportation and the City of Bristol have plans to realign the West End. It would cost several million dollars and could be completed by 2019. However, another plan not being discussed publicly would take more than a decade and cost billions.
In a highly controversial project, the DOT in partner with the City of Bristol would move the West End as is to the Northeast section of town, and move the Northeast section to the West End.
To move every building, home, park, gas station, ball field, church, school and swimming pool would be a massive undertaking, but planners believe it is the only way to get everyone to stop complaining and restore the area to the post-war period where it saw substantial growth and development. “By swapping the sections of the city all the problems real and perceived will go away,” remarked a resident that supports the idea.
Officials say the project would be consumed by cost overruns, design flaws, fraud, kick-backs, conflicts of interest and inflation, but it will be well worth it because it will create jobs, growth and social interaction. Said one DOT official, “If it doesn’t work we can always move everything back.”