A month after local writer John Eggers barricaded himself inside his home and wrote snappy one-liners and insults against business establishments and government officials, the Forestville Police Department has concluded their report.
After interviewing eyewitnesses and examining the evidence found at the scene, the FPD probe determined the writing spree began in the predawn hours following a morning cup of coffee, and a fit of inspiration.
No one was impervious to the wrath of his witty repartee. Mr. Eggers took on local politicians, news organizations, his boss, the police and finally himself. Everything was ripe for ripping.
Eggers was held up in the corner of his home office because the police department cut the power denying him computer access. Working by the hue of a dimly lit cigarette, he then journaled his material with a felt tipped quill pen during the standoff with police.
The standoff ended peacefully when he ran out of food, coffee and ink. When police officials entered the home they found the writer barely awake and slumped in the corner meekly writing on the wall with his finger nails. The report describes Mr. Eggers’s writer’s garret as, “In a state of squalor; littered with newspapers, magazines, scripts, wine bottles and Nexium capsules.”
The police report said that although Mr. Eggers was “extremely careless” with his humor, they concluded that “no criminal charges are appropriate.”
According to sources, the jokesmith gave private assurances to law enforcement that he would cease hurling insults about cops and donuts, and Yo Momma jokes aimed directly at the District Attorney’s mother.
Mr. Eggers declined to speak about the matter.