Forestville Daredevil to Jump Trump’s Ego

September 30, 2016

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Forestville Motorcycle Daredevil Chucky “The Kid” Murdock, who has made headlines for his various and unusual stunts, announced his latest before gathered media this afternoon: jumping Donald Trump’s Ego.

For the death-defying stunt called Jump the Trump, he plans to use a steam-powered homemade rocket with 15,000 pounds of thrust to jump all three constructs of Trump’s ego, the Id, ego, and super-ego. “It has never been attempted and is the jump of jumps,” he said. “No one has ever attempted anything this big, ever. It’s huge; it’s massive. It’s incredible!”

For the world record jump, he plans to launch from the south rim of the super-ego. Known as the moralizing section, The Kid feels this is the best place to take off because it is nearly nonexistent in Trump’s mind so it will be easy to navigate and clear.

Psychologists say the most challenging part of the Ego jump will be the Id. “The instant gratification for our wants and needs are in there. If these needs or wants are not met, people have been known to throw hissy fits.” Experts say the depth of Trump’s Id are immeasurable.

This is not Mr. Murdock’s first foray into the psyche of a politician. Last year, using a similar rocket, he shot himself into the sphincter of Anthony Weiner to remove the stick up that has been up his ass for twenty years. “That was a nine month journey under horrible conditions. Unfortunately we were not successful. It’s still there.”

The Jump of Trump will be on pay per view for $29.95 next month.

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Signs, Signs Everywhere Are Signs

September 29, 2016

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In case residents of Forestville and Bristol did not know, State Representative, Cara Pavalock is seeking reelection in the 77th District. There are numerous lawn signs throughout the village and city reminding voters, including several large ones.

The signs have proven to be successful for the likeable and dedicated state representative who is seeking a second term. “People come from all over to see the signs and have their photo taken. For some it is the closest they will get to an elected official,” remarked a campaign staffer.

However, the Bristol Public Works Department is concerned drivers will be distracted by the larger lawn signs so they have been warning motorists with signs of their own. “We don’t want anyone’s attention diverted by Ms. Pavalock’s gargantuan signs. Therefore, we have road safety signs out there warning them about her signs,” said Bert Metcalf, a BPW employee.

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Not to be deterred, the campaign was determined to increase her name recognition and managed to have her name and image not only blanket the 77th district, but television game shows too.

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But the Pavalock campaign was ecstatic that the U.S. National Park Service agreed to chisel her likeness into the granite of Mount of Rushmore, and finish it prior to the election. Something her opponent Laura Bartok was unable to do.

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Political Parties Gearing up for Local Elections

September 24, 2016

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The local political parties are readying for the elections in November. They have made plans, assembled their teams, developed their ideas and established their fundraising. Now all that remains are the dirty tricks.

Strategists say they are readying for the mudslinging and negative campaigning. Said one, “We are getting our rhetoric ready including name calling, leaking damming information and planting false stories in the newspaper and social media. We can’t wait!”

Many techniques are implemented from distorting an opponent’s record to just simply lying. Veterans of negative campaigning say it stirs up the base and exploits the fears of the politically unaware.

One operative of many smear campaigns remarked, “When in doubt make them look like the criminal and corrupt individuals that they are or they are going to be.”

Campaign managers are not concerned about the effects of negative campaigning from voters. According to one, “ There is no need to worry about the backlash of calling the opposing candidate a pig, leach or a malodorous sewer because most voters don’t pay attention, don’t care or know it to be true.”


Paranobel Season Set to Start

September 24, 2016

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Just as the Olympics have the Paralympics, so too does the Nobel Prize have the Paranobel Prize. As with the Paralympics, the Paranobel Prizes recognize outstanding research performed by people with disabilities.

So far two winners have been announced. Mr. Mo Bethune, a dementia patient, nabbed the award for Literature with his self-published book, “rThe,Top hutterwerlasdfkljkl%$! qwerty”. The postmodernist treatise showcased an avant-garde disdain for traditionalist coherence and complete sentences. Critics loved the book, although they are still unsure if it tells the story of the War of 1812 or how to cure pneumonia in ducks. Asked to explain, a bewildered Mr. Bethune said, “I wrote a book?”

The second winner, Mr. JoJo Spacey who suffers from a rare form of silliness, took the Prize in Mathematics for solving the age-old problem of what does 2 + 2 equal. Mr. Spacey said that now with this solution in hand, it will allow further advances in the field of mathematics for other silly people, such as learning what 2 x 2 equals or the big question, “What comes after fiveteen?” He went on to thank his parents before running around the parking lot pretending to be an airplane.

Others wait for announcements in other categories. One is Angie Pesterman whose disability is not that she has one hand, but that she keeps it in a bucket of paint while making bird sounds. She is expected to add a Paranobel Prize to the Pulitzer she already took home for Best Commentary. With that double, experts say she’s a shoo-in to run the editorial department of the New York Times.


50 Shades of Gray and Boring

September 22, 2016
Offensive?

Offensive?

The Bristol Art Squad, a group of local artists who transformed gray traffic control boxes around town into works of art were recently told the project was on hold. The Bristol Board of Police Commissioners, after receiving complaints that the art was “offensive”, voted to discontinue the project for now.

“We prefer the gray traffic boxes. They blend in better with the city,” the commissioners said. “Gray is the color of fog, neutrality and boredom. It is devoid of color. There are those that would say that’s some of our residents.”

One member of the Art Squad, Lieutenant Bob Arnold, who signs his works with two swirls and an ampersand, complains that it’s unfair to rookies in the Squad for whom painting the boxes is their first assignment on the streets. “Usually they are out on patrol, keeping our streets free of bad art. This cancellation sends the wrong message. Makes them keep their Number 14 camel-hair brushes in their holsters.”

Dull, dreary and boring good for Bristol

Dull, dreary and boring good for Bristol

The city is worried about the effect keeping the boxes gray will have. Said one dissenting commissioner, “What if the color-blind find the gray boxes offensive? What do we do then?”

Supporters of the Squad expressed their anger. “The mayor has gotten complaints about him, but he is still around. Someone complains about the boxes and they have to go. Does that make sense?”

A special meeting might be held next week to discuss their fate.


What Constitutes Terrorism?

September 21, 2016

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People are confused about what constitutes terrorism these days. In response, the Obama Justice Department released guidelines regarding the updated definition of terror. They are:

1 – The act of terror must be committed and completed by more than two suspects

2 – All suspects must submit to mandatory drug testing

3 – Suspects must be over the age of 18, at least five-feet tall and not have trained with the Russian Olympics organization who are banned by the IOC from engaging in terrorism (See Rule #2)

4 – Suspects who participated in any previous act of terror in the U.S. or throughout the known world may be ruled ineligible

5 – Suspects must be members of an officially accredited terror group

6 – The act must be sponsored and approved in advance by the terror group and notarized by a county clerk on a Tuesday. If it is notarized on a Wednesday, they may receive a waiver provided they fill in Form 32C-B and file it with the Evil Bastards Division of the FBI.

7 – The terror group must claim responsibility within two hours on Twitter or forfeit all bragging rights

8 – The act of terror must not infringe on the copyright of any other act of terror

9 – Suspects must sign an affidavit stating that the act has nothing to do with Islam. Copies of this form are available in English and Arabic prefaced by a Surah.

If these conditions are met, then the act of violence will be labeled terrorism and the Tea Party or Donald Trump will be blamed.

The president was quick to reassure everyone that thanks to these stringent guidelines, no acts of terror have been committed on U.S. soil since he’s been in office.


Candidates Seeking Unconventional Endorsements

September 20, 2016

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Local candidates seeking elective office normally covet endorsements from unions, community organizations, teachers and newspapers.

But 2016 is proving to be an unconventional election year so office seekers are vying for endorsements from unconventional sources.

For example Mike Nicastro, running for the 31st District Senate Seat, is seeking the endorsement from the Bristol Stich Club. While showing a firm grasp of the Continental Method of knitting, Mr. Nicastro spoke about the economy, job creation and the textile industry much to the delight of the darners.

Not to be outdone, the incumbent Henri Martin sat down with the group too and gave a similar speech. While showing adapt skills at the American Method of stitching, he knit and purled his way to a cute coffee cozy.

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In the 77th, Laura Bartok likes to read books so she is hoping the Bristol Public Library will endorse her. To that end, if elected, she promised library patrons she would urge the Friends of the Library and the Bristol Public Library to be more than just “friends.”

Her opponent Cara Pavalock, the Republican candidate and incumbent, wants the endorsement of the Stop & Shop Deli on Pine Street. Ms. Pavalock promised the deli clerks that if they endorsed her she would sponsor legislation allowing customers to get their deli tickets from StubHub so long lines could be avoided.

Over on the other end of town in the 79th district, Peter Del Mastro and Chris Ziogas are locked in a tough battle where every vote will matter. Therefore, in an attempt to appeal to voters that do not like politics or being bothered, neither candidate is actively campaigning or placing any signs around town to prove that they are one of them.

Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive 2016 election coverage.