A local Forestville charity, The Forestville Cancer Society, recently held a fundraising drive with disappointing results. After an initial spike in giving from the community, subsequent donations dropped precipitously when the society’s director, Anthony Chalmers disclosed they weren’t against cancer, but for it.
“I don’t understand why people are confused,” said perplexed Chalmers. “The name of our organization is ‘The Forestville Cancer Society’, not the ‘Anti-Cancer Society’. Our charity drive is called, ‘Stand Up For Cancer’, not ‘Stand Up Against Cancer’.”
Chalmers previously headed another unsuccessful and inexplicable charity, called the “Forestville Lions Club”, that was dedicated to promoting the import and dissemination of lions across the village.
He also led an effort to clean parks in Forestville and Bristol – an effort much lauded until it was discovered he was hiding the garbage in a local orphanage. “They say it was hiding, but I was simply giving bored orphans something to play with.”
Heads of other charities including one also named, The Forestville Cancer Society, which is against cancer, contend that Chalmers only starts charities in order to get donations to pay himself a fat salary. Chalmers has vehemently denied these accusations, most recently during a limousine tour of Naples.
If this charity doesn’t work out either, he promises to forge ahead with a new cause. “I always wanted to start a philanthropic organization to support the veterans of world wars such as the Gothic Invasion of 376 or the Hundred Years War,” he said. “Their service ended long ago, yet they still have received no support from us. It’s very sad.”