Local Democratic officials held a pep rally last Thursday night at Nuchie’s to motivate and inspire registered democrats for the upcoming November elections.
Mary Fortier and Laura Bartok got the rally going by showing amazing dexterity and skill when they performed a variety of acrobatic cheerleading stunts to perfection.
They did several shoulder sits and liberty stunts and closed out their routine with a basket toss of Calvin Brown. Mr. Brown was catapulted 8 feet into the air while yelling “Point of Order! Point of Order!” With their arms out in front of them, Brown landed in Fortier’s and Bartok’s makeshift basket much to the disappointment of the republican operatives who snuck in as part of the waitstaff.
Following the routine and dinner in The Hollis Room, several speakers took to the podium. It was keynote speaker Ellen Zoppo-Sassu that most inspired the crowd. With her hands tied behind her back and blindfolded she gave a 1,500 word speech with machine gun precision in two minutes time about where the party is, where it is going and what the capitals of every state are.
The Democrats then broke out into working groups with construction paper and crayons to come up with new ways to tax things.
Meanwhile across town at Chippanee Country Club, Republicans held a similar event.
All of the Republicans were in attendance with the exception of Henri Martin, who was home convalescing because he is really, really tired due to the legislative session that ended in May.
The event began with the lighting of a bonfire with shrines of Ronald Reagan and Nelson Rockefeller illuminated in the background. Dressed in colorful robes they burned incense to purify the grounds in a gold entrusted thurible with chains and bells.
Cara Pavalock, Peter Del Mastro and Derek Czenczelewski then addressed the group. Ms. Pavalock gave invocations to Reagan and Rockefeller via a press release. Mr. Del Mastro made some cranky remarks about Democrats and his foot and their ass, and Derek Czenczelewski vowed to FOI every single Democrat in the City of Bristol, and the Village of Forestville living or dead to thunderous applause and chants of FOI! FOI! FOI!
The ritual ended and everyone joyfully adjourned to the banquet facilities to smoke cigars, clean their guns and eat barbequed California condor and other tasty critically endangered species.
The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.