People are confused about what constitutes terrorism these days. In response, the Obama Justice Department released guidelines regarding the updated definition of terror. They are:
1 – The act of terror must be committed and completed by more than two suspects
2 – All suspects must submit to mandatory drug testing
3 – Suspects must be over the age of 18, at least five-feet tall and not have trained with the Russian Olympics organization who are banned by the IOC from engaging in terrorism (See Rule #2)
4 – Suspects who participated in any previous act of terror in the U.S. or throughout the known world may be ruled ineligible
5 – Suspects must be members of an officially accredited terror group
6 – The act must be sponsored and approved in advance by the terror group and notarized by a county clerk on a Tuesday. If it is notarized on a Wednesday, they may receive a waiver provided they fill in Form 32C-B and file it with the Evil Bastards Division of the FBI.
7 – The terror group must claim responsibility within two hours on Twitter or forfeit all bragging rights
8 – The act of terror must not infringe on the copyright of any other act of terror
9 – Suspects must sign an affidavit stating that the act has nothing to do with Islam. Copies of this form are available in English and Arabic prefaced by a Surah.
If these conditions are met, then the act of violence will be labeled terrorism and the Tea Party or Donald Trump will be blamed.
The president was quick to reassure everyone that thanks to these stringent guidelines, no acts of terror have been committed on U.S. soil since he’s been in office.