Hillary hates her supporters? — Hillary begs to differ!

October 29, 2016

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Recent revelations from Hillary Clinton campaign e-mails released by Wikileaks have many supporters upset at how they and their causes were insulted by Mrs. Clinton and her staff behind their backs. Mrs. Clinton recently spoke to reassure those supporters.

“I don’t understand the big deal,” she said at the presser. “When I call my supporters naive, pompous freaks, I mean that in the best possible sense of the term.”

“When we called Catholics ‘severely backwards,’ we mean, ‘backwards awesome!’ And that bit about me calling the pope a ‘middle ages dictator’; seriously, who doesn’t love middle ages dictators? I mean, hello! King Arthur was one.”

One supporter didn’t see the problem either. Karen Blaylock remarked, “When she calls us ‘radical’ and ‘dumb’, I feel like she totally gets me.”

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

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VP Nominee Mike Pence’s Airplane Skids Off Runway, Is Hillary to Blame?

October 27, 2016

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The charter aircraft that Vice Presidential candidate and Indiana Governor Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s running mate, was riding in slid off the runway Thursday night at New York City’s LaGuardia Airport. The governor is okay and there were no injuries.

FAA officials do not know the cause of the incident. However, Donald Trump speaking at an event in Ohio Thursday night said, “Hillary Clinton and the corporate owned media in a concerted and coordinated effort made that airplane go off the runway.”

He went on to say there may have been co-conspirators such as “crooked” public pollsters, the FBI, election officials, the PTO, the Magna Carta, Plymouth Rock, Google, Daylight Savings Time and many more. “The conspiracy in this airplane incident is vast, sinister and well connected,” he told supporters to thunderous cheers.

Hillary was in North Carolina Thursday night at a campaign event and tweeted that she was glad to hear Governor Pence was safe. But to Trump supporters that does prove her innocence, “North Carolina ain’t that far from New York she could have gotten there and done something funny to the runway and then flew back,” remarked Barley Owens.

Mr. Trump demanded the FAA finish their investigation into the matter within the hour. The FAA advised Mr. Trump the investigation could take weeks. To which Trump responded, “Oh so you are part of the conspiracy against me too.”

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.


Forestville Man Was Alert After a Night’s Sleep

October 26, 2016

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Forestville resident Ned Pauley fell asleep last night around 9 p.m. His family reports that he awoke at approximately 4:30 this morning, and was relatively alert showing no signs of being groggy despite getting up three times to urinate.

Mr. Pauley expects to fall asleep at the same time tonight having no interest in watching Game 2 of the World Series.


Local Parent Calls Make-A-Wish Foundation A Fraud

October 26, 2016

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Forestville father Jimmy Spivey is angry with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The foundation which grants the wishes of children with life-threatening medical conditions will not grant his son Jimmy Junior his own wish.

“Who knows how much longer little Jimmy has on this Earth,” said the father of one. “I get him every toy his mind can conceive of, but he always had this one dream — to see the Tall Ships sail past his window up the mighty Pequabuck.”

When asked why the younger Jimmy’s wish was denied, spokesman for the agency Todd Lighter pointed out that the Pequabuck is not deep enough nor wide enough to hold the high-masted sailing vessels. “Moreover,” he said, “we calculated that we would need to spend $200 billion dollars to dredge a canal from Long Island Sound to Bristol just to sail the boats in.”

When asked if the foundation suggested more reasonable alternative wishes, Mr. Lighter said, “A second problem our organization has is that the younger Spivey is in fact not sick. In fact, he delivered the wish to us in person while jumping on a pogo stick and singing, ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.'”

His father is unswayed. “It’s discrimination because little Jimmy doesn’t fit into their prejudiced view of what illness is. Healthy people are simply differently ill. I’d rather grant him a wish than some whiny attention-seeking brat who lays in a hospital bed all day calling for his doctor. ‘Boo-hoo! Look at me! I’m sick! Get me a photo with Hulk Hogan. Make me king for a day.’ The baby!”

Mr. Spivey continued, “They’re the ‘Make-A-Wish Foundation,’ not the ‘Make-A-Wish-And-We’ll-Grant-It-If-We-Feel-Like-It Foundation.'”

For now, Mr. Spivey has put aside the threat of a lawsuit to take matters into his own hands. He started an online GoFundMe campaign to raise money to make his son’s wish come true.

“So far we raised $500,” he said. “I’m sure that once your big-hearted readers read about little Jimmy’s plight, we will easily get the remaining $199,999,999,500 by lunchtime next Tuesday.”


Bristol Welcomes Drought with Ribbon Cutting Ceremony

October 25, 2016

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A ribbon cutting ceremony was held at the Bristol Water Department Tuesday morning officially acknowledging the drought of 2016.

The ceremony was attended by water department officials and local politicians. The mayor, surrounded by city councilors, cut the ribbon ushering in the drought to an uncomfortable spattering of applause. “The cutting of this ribbon officially recognizes the drought of 2016,” the mayor reluctantly said to the gathered crowd.

Due to the drought mandatory water restrictions were placed on residents last week. “The drought will continue until we get more water,” BWD spokesperson Jen Merker predicted at the time.

Worried city officials however are being proactive by seeking ways to limit the drought. Currently there is a proposal before the Ordinance Committee to ban all future droughts, which councilors said they are eager to pass.

Councilors Calvin Brown and Anthony D’Amato pledged to find water and or surplus precipitation and personally bring it to the depleted reservoirs.

And there was even talk of reuniting the former Memorial Boulevard Task Force to research the positive effects water has on a drought. The situation is so desperate City Hall even promised that if the MBS Task Force reunites they will not attempt to sabotage their efforts.


Trump Visits Gettysburg and Reenacts the Gettysburg Address

October 23, 2016

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Saturday afternoon Donald Trump visited Gettysburg, a small historic town in central Pennsylvania which played a vital part in the American Civil War. Before laying out his agenda for his first 100 days in office, Mr. Trump reenacted President Lincoln’s sacred Gettysburg address from November 1863.

“Four score and a really, really long time ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all MEN are created equal. Sorry folks that’s what it says fathers and MEN.

Now we are engaged in a great, great civil war, it is huuuuuuuge. It’s big, really big. Believe me. Testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure for a really, really long time. We are met on an incredibly amazing battlefield; a tremendous battlefield of that war to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for dozens and dozens and dozens of those who died here. I don’t know about that but that’s what they tell me.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground folks because it’s bad. You wouldn’t believe how bad it is but it’s bad. Really bad. Trust me.

The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, But let’s be honest if it were not for the war we would not be here. We wouldn’t be here folks. It’s such a small, small town. A horrible town. A nasty town. But I cherish it. I have tremendous respect for it. No one has more respect for Gettysburg than me. But it is Gettysburg and in the middle of nowhere don’t forget that. Don’t forget that.

However, I highly resolve that they shall not have died in vain in Gettysburg of all places. A small rural town no one heard of. We shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, – who are these people? Shall not perish from the this earth or any earth. Believe me when I say that folks. Trust me. It’s on the teleprompter.”

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.


Finding Cara

October 22, 2016

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State representative Cara Pavalock’s familiar image is blanketed all over the 77th district on large lawn signs. Her signs dwarf her opponent’s and every candidate in the area. The signs are there to encourage voters to vote for her on Election Day.

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Based on the size and popularity of her signs local entrepreneur Dorsey Lyman created a game called Finding Cara. The game encourages players to search and discover Cara’s enormous lawn signs. “Everyone talks about her signs because they are impossible to miss and new signs seem to pop up almost daily,” Lyman said. “It is a great game because adults and kids can play.”

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Players are provided a map of the 77th district and the goal is to search and locate new giant signs, and whoever locates the most wins. “There are rumors that she plans to erect a sign that is so big that it will completely block the sun. It is based on a design by Archimedes. That could be a lot of fun,” Mr. Lyman told the assembled media.

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The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

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