Twitter to Be Bought by General Zod

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For the past few years, trouble with slowing user growth at social media giant Twitter has led investors to recommend it be acquired by another company in order to realize better growth and profits. In a surprise announcement, CEO Jack Dorsey revealed they indeed accepted such a takeover offer not from Microsoft or Google, but from Superman’s archenemy, General Zod.

What market watchers think clinched the deal was the general’s promise that if Twitter’s board of directors not fight his hostile takeover bid, they would not be killed. Speaking from his knees in a CNBC interview, Dorsey said that he is very happy with the deal and happy to serve Zod in any way he is told.

In a conference call with analysts, General Zod saw Twitter as a great fit for his mission of destroying Superman. “I’ve seen how Twitter shapes its feeds to promote a liberal agenda, attack Donald Trump and provide fashion tips from Rihanna,” said the Kryptonian warlord. “I will use the same strategy to promote my agenda to rule Earth, attack Superman and provide fashion tips from Rihanna.”

Details of the general’s offer for Twitter include payment of one-million intergalactic credits for all outstanding shares. Prices for Twitter stock swung wildly in reaction on Wall Street, partly due to traders not knowing how much a credit is worth in dollar terms.

Most traders saw this development for Twitter as positive. Said broker Arnie Pillpack in 140 characters or less, “Under Zod, the Street is confidant Twitter will dominate social media and even overtake Facebook once Zod’s forces crush Silicon Valley.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

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