Because the campaigns for the State Senate and House have been boring, the Bristol Chamber of Commerce fears the debate scheduled for October 17th at St. Paul Catholic High School will be dull as well.
In order to increase public interest, the Chamber has planned several important changes to raise the stakes of the contest.
The first part of the debate will be held inside a steel cage. Midway through, a starving lion will be released into the cage. Debate participants will have 20 seconds to figure out a way to escape before getting eaten.
Even money is on Republicans Betts, Martin, Pavalock and Del Mastro to survive as they are more likely to carry safari rifles.
Next, to test their ability under stress, candidates will be shackled to a table while unmuzzled dogs bark and snarl at them as they answer questions posed by the moderator.
Bartok, Nicastro, Ziogas and whoever their other candidate is are favored to do the best since Democrats can talk their way out of anything.
Debate watchers expect the toughest test to come when candidates are pit against a giant robot with six legs, chainsaw arms, laser eyes, extremely bad breath, and the face of Chris Wallace. It was designed and built by the gifted students of Bristol Eastern High School. Robotics team leader and teacher Susan Evanson says her students hope the robot will get to probe into the opinions or flesh of at least a couple candidates before the Samsung Note 7, which powers the robot explodes.
Due to the age diversity of the candidates, the robot battle is a pick’em.
All residents are invited to attend Monday’s debate. The Chamber of Commerce said there is no admission fee. However, residents are reminded that if they want access to a candidate, they need to bring their check books.
The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.