Bingo!

November 29, 2016

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An Aspen bingo game sponsored by a support group for failed presidential candidates blew up when Mrs. Clinton lost to 93-year-old Bob Dole. When Senator Dole raised his hand and shouted in triumph, “Bob Dole says, ‘Bingo!'”, Mrs. Clinton threw her cards and shouted invectives before running into a bathroom and crying.

Hillary supporters took to the streets where they peacefully vandalized cars and attacked people thought to be Dole supporters. The peaceful protests were backed by a tank driven by 1988-nominee Michael Dukakis and monitored by Al Gore on his Gorecomputer in the Gorecave.

Jill Stein tweeted, “If Hillary and her supporters pay me another million dollars I will demand a recount of this contest as well.” The failed Green Party nominee for president later said that experts she met at an opera gala suspect Russian ping-pong balls were in the drum, although there is no evidence this happened.

A lawyer for Mrs. Clinton said, “If we had evidence the Russians tampered with the bingo game, we would certainly demand an investigation. But since there is no evidence, we demand an investigation.”

Senator Dole was unrepentant. “Bob Dole won this game. Bob Dole is against recounts and sore sports. Did Bill Clinton steal my Viagra again?”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


As Death Threats Against Electors Pour In, One Business Thrives

November 28, 2016

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Georgette Hinklebottom may seem to run your typical floral delivery company. However, her business offers a unique service.

“Many people think how awful — these threats of killing by Clinton supporters against members of the electoral college, but my ears only hear the cash register ringing,” she says from her natty shop on the corner of Maple in Bristol. “I think you can blackmail someone and be nice about it at the same time. Nothing is nicer than sending your death threat with a beautiful arrangement of flowers.”

Ms. Hinklebottom points to popular sellers like deathly pale calla lilies and red roses spattered with a paint concoction that simulates blood. If flowers aren’t your thing, she offers foil balloons for the aggrieving embossed with touching messages like “I’m Watching You” and “I Know Where You Live”, or various pictures like Garfield holding a knife over a freshly vivisected Odie. She also takes special requests.

“Some prefer the personal touch — the head of their intended’s favorite horse, compromising photos arranged in a Hallmark keepsake album, or a collectible Hummel figurine laying down in a wintry street scene, fresh tire marks over his body with the word ‘YOU’ tastefully scrawled across his forehead in tempura paint.”

Her company not only caters to the discerning extortionist, but covers other occasions. Black Lives Matters ordered several dozen of her “I’m Sorry You’re Still Alive” mixed garden flower bouquets with vase included.

Former UFC champion Ronda Rousey sent her next opponent the “My Fist in Your Face Celebration” with hand-gathered mini pink carnations, baby’s breath and traditional white daisies along with shards from a shattered vase.

And the Alt-right folks sent a “Get Over It” teardrop arrangement of wilted red gerberas, orange roses and yellow lilies to Hillary Clinton in a tattered box.

“When someone receives a pretty wrapped present or bouquet with their death threat, they know that it is a caring person who is thinking about them. All the time.”


Officials Consider Playing Annual Thanksgiving Day Game in Summer

November 27, 2016

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With the game time temperature in the low 40s and mainly gray skies, the Bristol Eastern and Bristol Central football teams engaged in the annual Battle for the Bell Thursday at Muzzy Field. Central defeated their crosstown rival 30-12 in a spirited contest.

The Battle for the Bell game played Thanksgiving Day is a tradition that dates back to 1959. However, parents and spectators sitting in the cold and unforgiving bleachers Thursday wondered why the game is played in November under such conditions. “Why can’t the Thanksgiving Day game be played in June?” asked Natalie Housen. It’s warm and sunny then.”

Anne Wharton, who was wrapped in a Sherpa Blanket with matching Pom-pom hat and thermal gloves for the entire game added through chattering teeth, “Why…even…play…outside? They…should play indoors in a…controlled…environment.”

Bernadette Jackson, while playing Plants Vs. Zombies on her phone, went even further, “Just have a computer play the game. They do everything else.”

Concerned parents formed an action committee after the game with the intent of petitioning the Board of Education to move the game to a warmer month. In a press release they said, “The Moving the Bell Action Committee (MTAC) is a group of parents working together to not only enhance our children’s football experience, but everyone’s football experience by moving the Thanksgiving Day game to a month that is not known for being cold.”

From her gold encrusted lectern the Superintendent of the Board of Education said Saturday, “In the wake of cool temperatures and cold bleachers we will consider the proposal by MTAC to move the game to a warmer date or have a computer simulate the game. Frankly, the computer simulation is the better option from a cost analysis standpoint.”


Anti-Drought Protest Erupts in Forestville

November 26, 2016

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Fed up with the recent drought, anti-drought protesters descended on the Pequabuck River early this morning. The boiling point was reached on news that the Pequabuck may be downgraded to a Category 3 stream.

The protesters marched in Moncler and Canada Goose jackets and chanted “We Want Water! We Want Water!” Some chanted, “What do we want? Water! When do we want it? Now!” A few protesters were arrested as they put down their Starbucks lattes to perform a rain dance even though none were an accredited Native American.

Park constable Pat O’Reilly wearing an insulated Dickies jacket with smartly matching flannel slacks said, “We have no problem with the people protesting, but they shouldn’t try and take the weather into their own hands. Forestville is no place for weather vigilantes.”

Water restrictions, only in place since October, have protesters frustrated. “We are tired of having to conserve water. I don’t see fish conserving water. Why us? I want to keep the water running while I brush my teeth,” said demonstrator Simon Gray.

Protesters planned a demonstration at the Polkville Brook too but they could not find it with their GPS. So they protested Google Maps. Constable O’Reilly can be seen at Rockwell Park tomorrow, modeling the latest jacket by Sledmate.

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Question:
What is a drought?

Answer:
A prolonged period where there is a shortage of water.

Similar genres of calamity / disaster: famine, Black Friday at Wal-Mart

The first thing you need to know is that a drought is a lack of water. If you have a lot of water you don’t have a drought.

Question:
What is water?

Answer:
A noun (Middle English / Old English) that came to prominence for representing a clear liquid that forms the seas, lakes, rivers, and rain and is the basis for the building blocks of life and several fantastic TV shows.

Question:
How do you stop a drought?

Answer:
Take water from areas that have water and give it to areas that don’t have water.

Question:
What is responsible for the drought?

Answer:
Droughts are caused by a lack of moisture in the atmosphere due to changes in land and sea surface temperatures. Or when Gaia is mad at us.


Plans to Combat UConn Football Woes Unveiled

November 25, 2016

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Given the abysmal state of the UConn Huskies football team, it is unsurprising that a recent poll finds most people in the state do not know UConn plays football. To combat this problem, Governor Malloy declared December, “UConn Football Awareness Month.” Citizens are encouraged to wear blue-and-white ribbons to raise awareness about the team and distribute brochures about the team that omit its win-loss records.

For his part, the Huskies’ coach, Bob Diaco, has another strategy — reviving his Civil Conflict or ConFLiCT trophy. He previously invented the award to create a rivalry with the football powerhouse University of Central Florida, but his plan failed due to lack of interest by UCF. So he has renamed it a third time, “the CONfliCT trophy” and it will be used for a new rivalry, this time with Southington High School and this time, with the school actually be told in advance there would be such a trophy.

Southington coach Mike Drury said, “Playing UConn will give our kids an exciting experience. And the games should be competitive, as long as we bench our starters.”

Governor Malloy hailed the insertion of a local school into the UConn schedule. “It should get more people to games and help us pay down the debt on Rentschler Field and bail out Hartford. My experts are telling me that renting Hartford out for dinner-dance parties to insurance companies just isn’t bringing in enough money.”

Whether the initiatives will pay off for the perennially struggling 3-8 Huskies, waits to be seen. But they are certainly better than Coach Diaco’s first idea, which was to sell during games branded hot dogs called, “Dog Meat.”


Trump Will Not Pardon Turkeys as President

November 23, 2016

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There is a long tradition of presidents pardoning turkeys before Thanksgiving. However, President-elect Donald Trump vowed this morning there will be no such clemency for turkeys during his administration. “We will adhere to the strictest standards,” he pledged to cheering supporters. “We are draining the swamp and that includes these stupid, stupid birds folks.”

Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway echoed her boss’s comments, “The President-elect has made it clear that if he pardons turkeys then why not chickens, ducks, and geese too? Where does it end?”

Appearing before an enthusiastic crowd chanting, “Cook that Bird! Cook that Bird! Cook that Bird!”, Trump snarled, “The poultry industry is so dishonest. They are such bold faced liars; them and the media lie all the time. They have rigged the system against other birds. It’s incredible.”

A spokesperson for the Turkey Farmers of America observed, “The coming days and years are bleak for turkeys.”

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Bon Appétit!

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Trump Not to Work in the White House?

November 22, 2016

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Reports say that Donald Trump will not be working in the White House for a year as renovations for security reasons are performed. The person in charge of upgrades to cybersecurity, Ilyich Pavel Smirnov says, “We make computer safe from all hacking except from Mother Russia. I mean, including Mother Russia. I mean, including Russia. I make joke. Ha, ha.”

Other enhancements include bulletproof glass, blastproof walls, blastproof dogs and sirens at the front door to drive away solicitations by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

In the meantime, various experts predict Trump will either work out of the Old Executive Office Building across the street or at Trump Tower. A reliable source tells Boardman that he will in fact be at the Wynn Casino hoping the roulette wheel will help solve the national debt problem.