Bristol/Forestville News in Brief


Rockwell Park

Rockwell Park is known for its basketball court, skate park, playground, trees, leaves, and cut grass that each year bring in visitors from all over the area around the park.


The city council is now considering expanding Rockwell’s playground into a daycare facility. Plans include adding a bunker with small rooms to hold each child and hurricane fencing with towers manned by former East German guards to keep the children inside the compound.

The woman tapped to head the daycare facility, Colonel Ivana Vassarova recently of Russian Special Forces, promises that children left in her charge will enjoy an atmosphere of fun, play and obedience to the state.

Helping Hands Food Bank


Bristol Democrats fearing a Trump presidency caused a run on a local food bank. The bank, Helping Hands Food Bank, worries if there aren’t sufficient deposits to replenish their accounts they will face closure by the FDIC, the Food Deposit Insurance Corporation. Regulators are already scouring the books of the bank and interviewing its trustees.

Occupy Bristol protesters gathered in front of the bank yesterday calling for an end to the lavish ten-soup-cans-a-day pay of “fat cat bank executives.”

Tyler Perry


Tyler Perry announced that his next film will be set in Forestville. The movie called, “Madea’s Wrong Turn Off Route 84,” is expected to be shot in January, according to the director, “to accentuate how wonderful the village looks in the stark deadness and cold of winter amidst the brown piles of plowed snow.”

Rusty the Labrador Retriever Impeached!


The Forestville chapter of the Friends of Animals Society was thrown into chaos after their latest president, Rusty the Labrador retriever, was impeached. Said treasurer Jenny Wishman, “Rusty never did anything except beg for food, look for attention and drink out of the toilet bowl. While we believe man is no better than any other species, after electing a dog, a parrot and a no-show dolphin as president, it is becoming increasingly clear humans are better at running our organization.”

Plans for a replacement are on hold until the chair of the nominating committee Annabelle, an Abyssinian-Siamese mix, returns from the vet.


Stay informed on Election Day with Alan Boardman’s coverage all day.


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