From the….

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State Plans for Bristol Pre-School to Go Pre-Pre-School

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The opening of the new taxpayer-funded Bristol Preschool Child Care Center facility to look after preschoolers and toddlers has led the State of Connecticut to extend spending to pre-toddlers, also known as “fetuses.”

In a press release Governor Malloy said, “It is well known that when the state takes care of people’s children, they do better, whether in school or establishing a new marketable skill like selling marijuana. That advantage increases the earlier we get to them. You can’t get earlier than in the womb.”

Plans for pre-toddler day care include the insertion of drones into the womb to look after the growing child and the installation of speakers that will play the best of Joan Baez and speeches by Mao Tse-Tung.

Trump Fuels Stock Market Rally

Contrary to the opinions of experts on CNBC, the stock market rallied on better economic growth prospects with the election of Donald Trump. The market pushed even higher Thursday as Trump renewed his pro-growth pledge. Further rises were muted Friday when Trump blew his nose, but the afternoon turned bullish when it was learned he used hand sanitizer after a trip to the restroom.

Monday, stocks moderated their ascent when Trump appeared in public in a coat and tie of debatable style. Said one enthused Wall Street trader, “The market is betting he will show up in a better outfit tomorrow. Couple that with a new hairstyle and we could see the Dow at 19,000!”

Anti-Election Rioters Turn Hungry

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Anti-election rioters learned Monday that the checks from organizations sponsoring their protests and college vacation were no good. So they turned their attention to a cause they all agreed on — forcing McDonald’s to reintroduce the McRib sandwich.

Protesters turned over napkin dispensers and took extra ketchup packets at local restaurants in Portland and Los Angeles to force the fast-food chain to bring back the popular entree sooner than usual. A spokesman for the self-described pro-democracy group, “End Democracy Now!”, says they will continue their protest under a new slogan, “No McRibs, No Peace.”

News in Scotland

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A magnitude 4 earthquake hit Aberdeen, knocking over three sheep. Fire departments from across the country responded to the scene, which the mayor called “the worst disaster in modern Scottish history.”

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