Trump Will Not Pardon Turkeys as President

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There is a long tradition of presidents pardoning turkeys before Thanksgiving. However, President-elect Donald Trump vowed this morning there will be no such clemency for turkeys during his administration. “We will adhere to the strictest standards,” he pledged to cheering supporters. “We are draining the swamp and that includes these stupid, stupid birds folks.”

Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway echoed her boss’s comments, “The President-elect has made it clear that if he pardons turkeys then why not chickens, ducks, and geese too? Where does it end?”

Appearing before an enthusiastic crowd chanting, “Cook that Bird! Cook that Bird! Cook that Bird!”, Trump snarled, “The poultry industry is so dishonest. They are such bold faced liars; them and the media lie all the time. They have rigged the system against other birds. It’s incredible.”

A spokesperson for the Turkey Farmers of America observed, “The coming days and years are bleak for turkeys.”

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Bon Appétit!

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