Plans to Combat UConn Football Woes Unveiled

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Given the abysmal state of the UConn Huskies football team, it is unsurprising that a recent poll finds most people in the state do not know UConn plays football. To combat this problem, Governor Malloy declared December, “UConn Football Awareness Month.” Citizens are encouraged to wear blue-and-white ribbons to raise awareness about the team and distribute brochures about the team that omit its win-loss records.

For his part, the Huskies’ coach, Bob Diaco, has another strategy — reviving his Civil Conflict or ConFLiCT trophy. He previously invented the award to create a rivalry with the football powerhouse University of Central Florida, but his plan failed due to lack of interest by UCF. So he has renamed it a third time, “the CONfliCT trophy” and it will be used for a new rivalry, this time with Southington High School and this time, with the school actually be told in advance there would be such a trophy.

Southington coach Mike Drury said, “Playing UConn will give our kids an exciting experience. And the games should be competitive, as long as we bench our starters.”

Governor Malloy hailed the insertion of a local school into the UConn schedule. “It should get more people to games and help us pay down the debt on Rentschler Field and bail out Hartford. My experts are telling me that renting Hartford out for dinner-dance parties to insurance companies just isn’t bringing in enough money.”

Whether the initiatives will pay off for the perennially struggling 3-8 Huskies, waits to be seen. But they are certainly better than Coach Diaco’s first idea, which was to sell during games branded hot dogs called, “Dog Meat.”

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