Bristol Roundup Hijacked by Russian Hackers!

December 31, 2016

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The Bristol Roundup is a popular internet source for local news, events and information. It promotes the community by highlighting events and citizens that go unreported by other local media outlets. The Roundup was founded in 2012 by Mike Uchalid and continues to grow as a go-to source for information.

But late yesterday Russian hackers hijacked the popular blog and renamed it The Moscow Roundup…This is one big Russian blog!

Articles about historic homes in Bristol, local fundraisers and Visions for Vacancies are gone. They were replaced with information about the October Revolution, farming collectives, fun things to do in gulags and stories about millennials gathering at coffeehouses in flat cloth caps and tweed suits, sipping coffee and discussing how to control the means of production and create a workers’ uprising against the City Council.

Mr. Uchalid in an exclusive to Boardman said, “I don’t understand. One day I am editing a story about the Boys and Girls Club of Bristol, and the next day I am reading a story about dialectical change and collectivist hegemony over the Ukraine on my blog. Lol!”

According to Mike the Russians will not return his blog until he accepts economic determinism based on wage labor. “I told them I cannot do that because I don’t even know what it means. No one does. Lol!”

The Russians refused comment about this story.

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Trump to work on Oak Island

December 31, 2016

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Showbiz magazine Variety reports that President-elect Donald Trump wants to continue to work in TV while he is president.

Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, eager to please his overbearing father in law, analyzed TV data, demographics and the Nilsson ratings and determined The Curse of Oak Island would be the ideal program for him to lend his talents. “It is a poorly produced reality show about money that teases you along without giving you anything,” a source told Boardman. “It’s perfect for him.”

The easily distracted, obsessive and soon to be leader of the free world told Variety “I think they got something there I really, really do. They need to keep digging in the Money Pit and stop with that swamp. Draining the swamp is stupid, I mean really, really stupid. Who does that?”

The Trump transition team was quick to point out that the president-elect has no financial interest in the program.

Kellyanne Conway, a Trump lieutenant, told Boardman that he would work on the show in his spare time when he is not tweeting, “It’s either this show or the Hunting Hitler show and let’s not even go there.”


Trump Inauguration to Feature Two Former Presidents and a Mystery Guest

December 30, 2016

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In an exclusive to Boardman and 30 other news agencies, Boardman has learned that former president and curmudgeon, Jimmy Carter will attend Donald Trump’s inauguration.

This is considered a major coup by D.C. cogniscenti. Due to the popularity of his presidency, the 92-year-old Carter’s itinerary is always fully booked with guest appearances at flea market grand openings, quinceañeras and hog-calling events. Last year, he was paid $500 and a bag of peanuts to give a speech at a car wash in Plano, Texas, making him the fourth-highest paid ex-president.

Several other former leaders however may be absent. George H.W. Bush is dealing with health issues, George W. Bush is painting his version of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling with his toes and Bill Clinton is still looking for Hillary’s missing electoral votes.

The only other president committed to make it is the 27th and heaviest president of the United States, William Howard Taft, in spite of the fact that he has been dead for 86 years.

Said a relative, “His will stated that he wanted to stay relevant in politics long after his death so people remembered his legacy of trust-busting and prolific eating. Given that like Taft, Trump is a renegade and also since there will be lots of donuts, it seemed like this is one occasion our Willie would not want to miss.”

President Taft’s casket will be situated near President Carter’s seat but on the back of a giant earth mover.


UConn Fans Surprised by Coach Diaco’s Firing

December 29, 2016

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After compiling an impressive 11 and 29 record over the last three seasons, the University of Connecticut in a bold and controversial move fired their head football coach Bob Diaco Wednesday.

The decision to fire a coach with only three wins this year and a six game losing streak at the end of the season left many fans open mouthed. “Wow! I am completely shocked,” remarked Lidia Merkel. “This is a dark hour. I may need to take a leave of absence from my job.”

Pedro Tavares was caught off guard and disappointed because the team showed signs of improving, “They actually scored points in the last game so things were looking up.”

“My God is nothing sacred anymore?” asked Mitchell Luby when he heard the announcement on WTIC (1080 AM). “We had the worse offense in the nation and lost the last six games of the season by a combined score of 130-16. What kind of monster fires a guy with numbers like that?”


Shocker 3 and 9 UConn Fires Head Football Coach!

December 28, 2016

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In a surprise move, the University of Connecticut fired its football coach, Bob Diaco. Coach Diaco had just completed a third terrific season that featured wins against football powerhouses the University of Maine and St. Mary’s Girls’ Academy.

Athletics director David Benedict sought to reassure fans that there would be a smooth transition to a new head coach who would carry on the tradition of success Diaco established in winning at most 3 games per season. Despite rumors that Randy Edsall will be rehired for the post, all signs point to veteran Washington Generals coach Ted Whiteman to take the job.

Said Bennett, “Sure, Whiteman is a basketball coach and sure, he’s never beaten the Harlem Globetrotters, but we feel confident we can get lucky with him at the helm. After all, Coach Diaco never coached offense before taking the job here, but that did not prevent the team from winning a couple games.”

However, Bennett is hedging his bets. To keep people’s spirits up during games, Rentschler Field will have aid stations with comfort dogs and basketballs on rubber bands.


Poor Ivanka

December 26, 2016

Ivanka Trump was verbally assaulted on a JetBlue flight leaving JFK Thursday morning with her family when a passenger named Dan Goldstein, a lawyer from Brooklyn, ranted at her, “Your father is ruining the country” and other colorful remarks.

Many on social media were surprised and outraged that Ms. Trump was confronted in the presence of her family while traveling, so they justifiably came to her defense and spoke out against her treatment.

Locally, the next day the support group Defending Ivanka was created by Forestville resident Mark May. Speaking to Boardman Mr. May stated, “Yes it is true that the entrepreneur and an executive in her father’s real estate company has remained silent and never spoken out against the long-term bias and discrimination against Native Americans.

“And yes the 35 year old business woman has remained silent and never spoken out against violence in schools, drug abuse, unemployment, hunger and unfair labor conditions.

“And yes the ‘working mother other of three’ she has never marched, written or spoken out against the inequality in economics, education, gender, race, ethnicity, the achievement gap and the judicial system.

“And while it is true that her father created a climate of making it ‘okay’ to say whatever you want without consequence during his campaign.

“And while it is true her father was rewarded for his bullying, misogamy and sexism.

“And while it is true that her father was celebrated for his lack of financial transparency, while his opponent was punished for her financial transparency. Mr. Goldstein should not have said bad things to Ivanka because that is not nice.”

Mr. May went out on to say that it is important to speak out when there are injustices that is why he and others felt compelled to speak up and defend Ivanka, even though she has remained mute on many social issues.


Governor Making Changes to Christmas

December 24, 2016

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Responding to charges of insensitivity at this time of year, Governor Malloy okayed a new regulation mandating all stores, malls and churches to post “trigger warnings” for people who do not wish to be exposed to Christmas-related celebrations and sale-a-brations.

Christmas songs will be banned from public airwaves. They will be replaced by neutral holiday music, such as “The Little Drummer Person” and “Have Yourself a Satisfactory Differently-Sized Holiday” by Crystal and the Mother Gaia Orchestra.

The new regulation also prohibits employees and visitors to state office buildings from wearing Christmas sweaters with images of reindeer and elves. Underscoring the seriousness of the issue, the ringing of jingle bells or any other percussion instrument that sounds Christmassy on state owned property are banned too.

Safe spaces will also be available for noncelebrants to shelter in. The rooftops of these shelters have been designated as “no go” zones for Santa Claus.