The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming!

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Media fears over an uncomfortably close relationship between Russia and President-elect Donald Trump have increased with Rex Tillerson named as Secretary of State. The Exxon CEO was previously awarded by President Vladimir Putin the Order of Friendship medal, two gallons of borscht from Fast-Food Fiedor’s and free Russian cable for a year.

At the same time, Russophilia has oddly infected Forestville. Local eateries are adding hearty Russian cuisine to their menus and hanging smoked fish in their windows. Bars, pubs and package stores now exclusively sell Russian vodka and Kvas for the first time since the Carter administration.

The Beat, Bristol’s Rock Mix, has changed its format and plays 19th-Century Russian classical music. The afternoon drive features double shots of Stravinsky and Shostakovich with news at the top of the hour provided by Sputnik.

“Yeah, the kids can’t get enough Rimsky-Korsakov,” says DJ Mike James. “He’s so much less depressing than Green Day.”

In Greene-Hills School and Hubble School, students are learning Russian as a second language, so that when they graduate, they have something else to confuse and confound them.

At the Manross Library, Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky and Chekhov are the only books currently on the bookshelves.

Said the librarian as she took a load of Ayn Rand and Mark Twain books to the dumpster, “We’re simply responding to what our library patrons want. We took a vote and all five of them demanded only Cyrillic-based authors.”

One restaurant owner said, “So we celebrate the October Revolution the day before the election. It wasn’t because we were instructed to by Forestville propaganda officer Yaroslav. It is for the proletariat… uh, the people.”

Trump’s senior adviser Kellyanne Conway downplayed worries about undue Russian influence in America. Speaking to the press while Varshavianka was played in the background, she said, “These worries, comrades, is funny joke, yes?”

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