Responding to charges of insensitivity at this time of year, Governor Malloy okayed a new regulation mandating all stores, malls and churches to post “trigger warnings” for people who do not wish to be exposed to Christmas-related celebrations and sale-a-brations.
Christmas songs will be banned from public airwaves. They will be replaced by neutral holiday music, such as “The Little Drummer Person” and “Have Yourself a Satisfactory Differently-Sized Holiday” by Crystal and the Mother Gaia Orchestra.
The new regulation also prohibits employees and visitors to state office buildings from wearing Christmas sweaters with images of reindeer and elves. Underscoring the seriousness of the issue, the ringing of jingle bells or any other percussion instrument that sounds Christmassy on state owned property are banned too.
Safe spaces will also be available for noncelebrants to shelter in. The rooftops of these shelters have been designated as “no go” zones for Santa Claus.