Forestville Cult Seeks Members

January 31, 2017


Primal Void, a Forestville based cult, is soliciting applicants for membership this month, according to their spokesperson and leader Altair.

Altair, also known as Bucky Weaver, is the owner of Bucky’s Pawnshop on Broad Street (open 9-5 daily except Sunday) when not the hypersensitive and arrogant head of the cult. He said new followers must be open to ritualistic abuse, coerced confessions, manipulation and take shorthand.

“I am not a god or a deity or even demigod. I am just your average run of the mill cult leader who demands obedience and loyalty from his followers and is intolerant of criticism,” Altair remarked.

Primal Void’s aim is to attract new followers especially women into their isolated world. They will have the opportunity to be manipulated, controlled and mentally enslaved personally by Altair. “We were voted ‘#1 Cult To Join’ by Connecticut Lifestyles and won the Readers’ Choice award for cults in Connecticut Magazine’s ‘Best of Connecticut’ issue.” At least that is what it says on their brochure anyway.

The cult compound has meditation rooms decorated in a Bauhaus minimalist style where new initiates can silently reflect while listening to prerecorded tapes over the loudspeaker. For their convenience, doors are locked from the outside.

Bucky err Altair, said if residents do not want to join they can help preserve Forestville’s only cult by making a cash contribution.

Speaking at a cult workshop Altair told the gathered crowd, “The vast majority of fundraising for cults takes place by members turning over their assets and from donors like you. Your generous gift sponsors everything we do like mind manipulation, shamming and control. It opens worlds and is amazing.”


Trump Takes Historic Photo

January 30, 2017
Trump's Historic photo (Washington Post)

Trump’s Historic photo (Washington Post)

The Washington Post took this historic photo over the weekend. It shows Trump fulfilling his job as president, signing an important order; Sean Spicer fulfilling his job as press spokesman readying a press statement; and Mike Pence, fulfilling his role as VP, reading a copy of People Magazine while waiting for the Pro Bowl game to start.

A Tale of Two Parties

January 28, 2017


Last Friday at the Lyceum, a banquet facility in Terryville, democracy was celebrated as Donald J. Trump, a real estate developer from New York was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. Republicans from the surrounding communities, including Bristol and Forestville, came together to cheer and dance to “Happy Days are Here Again.” It was the best of times.

Meanwhile in Forestville, a funereal atmosphere governed a separate banquet hall. The hall was reserved before the election to celebrate what was supposed to be Hillary Clinton’s easy victory over Trump. But now, it was draped in black curtains with the local head of the Democrat party Dean Kilbourne dressed in black, sitting Shiva as supporters offered condolences. It was the worst of times.

Back in Terryville, the victors feasted on chicken breast, roast beef and gravy, mixed vegetables and pasta dishes. They satisfied their pallets with cookies, ice cream and cake. They boasted of Trump, Reagan and their triumph. Standing as one they felt the passion of life.

The solemn banquet hall marked the start of seven days of mourning for the losers. The mourners vowed not to shave, bathe or shower, wear leather shoes or jewelry, and cover their televisions, except to watch comfort documentaries by PBS on how great they are.

As the night came to a close at the Lyceum, the victors toasted with Russian Vodka to all things Trump, executive orders, alternative facts and a bright and prosperous future. Andrew Howe, one of the organizers of the party, summoned the words of Charles Dickens to capture the moment ‘”We have everything before us.'”

A mere 6.5 miles away, notable democrats Calvin Brown, Mary Fortier, and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu sadly filed out of the Shiva to an uncertain future. Pausing at the door, Ellen gained her strength and addressed her colleagues about times of crisis by quoting Dickens, ‘“I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss, and in their struggles to be truly free, in their triumphs and defeats, through long years to come, I see the evil of this time and of the previous time of which this is the natural birth, gradually making expiation for itself and wearing out.’”

With that they each flipped some coins into the bucket setup for the Clinton Foundation and disappeared into the night.


January 28, 2017


Due to an ongoing and relentless feud with the late night comedy show Saturday Night Live (SNL), President Donald Trump announced early Saturday morning that U.S. troops had carried out a military operation against the show by seizing the writing staff and actors.

The troops stormed 30 Rockefeller Plaza (headquarters for NBC) shortly afternoon midnight and gained a foothold. They quickly advanced through the building and took Studio 8H from where the show is performed and their offices on the 17th Floor. Explosions, gunfire and cast member Kate McKinnon crying could be heard outside.

The ground troops waged an offensive against the cast and writers, who responded fiercely with snappy insults and witty repartee before being captured.

Executive Producer Lorne Michaels was captured as well and taken to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba.

Alec Baldwin who portrays an unflattening version of President Trump on the program escaped during the fighting and is in hiding. Intelligence officials think he is on the upper floors of the CBS building also known as Black Rock, only a couple of streets away. A small U.S. Special Operations Force is navigating through the city searching for the actor.

In an early morning televised address, the president informed the American people that he ordered U.S. troops to carry out the attack on the comedy show. “On my orders, the United States military has conducted an operation that has resulted in the capturing of the entire staff of Saturday Night Live. The will no longer mock me, my administration or me.”

His speech went on to warn other programs and critics that this mission against SNL was only the first in what would be continuous raids against enemies of his administration.

Trump and his surrogates have a contentious relationship with the media and as a result they been lampooned by not only SNL, but all of the late night programs.

At this hour it is believed that U.S. troops with armored vehicles, tanks, Bradley fighting vehicles and Apache helicopters are planning assaults on the Daily Show, Real Time with Bill Maher and Charlie Rose because he constantly interrupts his guests.

A rumor is circulating that ground troops, based on a presidential directive, will seize the Boardman offices in Forestville.

Should this hap ndkjaosijwi h e l p dsdpo klas klkpopokpn me 09u098345lmf m,;l I’m oaopojas[as[[====m,;l;l———————————————————

Trump to Renegotiate Japan’s World War II Surrender

January 26, 2017

MacArthur Shigemitsu

President Donald Trump is expected to sign an executive order next week stating his intention to renegotiate Japan’s surrender to Allied Forces ending World War II.

Trump’s team has criticized many agreements made by his predecessors among them the signing of the Instrument of Surrender thus ending hostilities in the Pacific in September of 1945. “If I negotiated that we would own everything. The island, the ocean, everything, folks, everything,” Trump told supporters.

Aides close to the president said he will be personally negotiating with Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzō Abe, and overhauling the deal struck. A spokesperson for the prime minister denied they will be meeting or changing the terms of surrender made seventy two years ago.

Kellyanne Conway presented with another opportunity to defend the president and appear on television immediately did so. “The president never said he would meet with the prime minister and renegotiate. What he meant to say was that he would renegotiate the terms of the Japanese government on Twitter like we do with everything else.”


Public Works Employees Receive Hero’s Welcome Following Nor’easter

January 25, 2017



Public Works drivers arrived at the city’s garages Tuesday afternoon to cheers of crowds following their heroic cleanup of Tuesday’s Nor’easter. Battling howling winds, rain and sleet, the plucky workers cleared roads and parking lots in Bristol and Forestville. “Everyone says its good we got snow and rain but I think it’s good we got the wind,” observed Barley Owens, a Public Works employee.

Their performance had captivated taxpayers as roads were quickly cleared between mandated coffee breaks. Dignitaries including city council members and celebrities from Bristol Talks greeted the men as they returned from an exhausting couple hours of plowing and salting.

“It was touch and go for a while,” admitted Jellybean, a popular snowplow driver. “But once I finished taking a nap in the cab and put the truck in gear, the weather was no match for me.”

The returning workers were further cheered as they drove down puddle-filled North Main Street splashing excited crowds gathered on the sidewalk. The cold and now wet residents waved and sought selfies with the brave drivers. The drivers were also met with ticker-tape, which they had to clean up later, scoring them much-appreciated overtime pay.

Said one rambling onlooker, “Times like these you really understand it’s the Public Works department that keeps us from turning into another Syria or Afghanistan.”

Jellybean smiled as he posed by his truck. “It’s our job. As our motto says, ‘Neither snow nor sleet nor heat nor gloom of night stays us drivers from the eventual completion of our appointed plowing.’ Well, heat does; there’s nothing to plow then. Actually, if there is no snow or sleet, we also get stayed. We really don’t do much most of the time. Fortunately, the break room has satellite and a vending machine filled with Little Debbies.”

Forestville Reacts to Removal of Federal Regulations

January 24, 2017


Monday, President Trump announced a plan to junk over 75% of federal regulations. This was greeted with joy by many local businesses, but the opinions of Forestville residents was divided.

“I hope they get rid of those sexual harassment regulations,” said Snaky Carlson. “Know what I mean? Wink, wink.”

“I’m quite concerned about regulations being gotten rid of,” said United Technologies employee Kal-El. “That could mean a lot of compliance officers will lose their jobs. And if they lose their jobs, what will happen to me? I’m the compliance officer in charge of making sure compliance officers are in compliance.”

Local shut-in Niels Farguson felt despondent. “I’m a collector of federal regulation rule books. I even have the one from 1937 in which regulators decided that Spam was a kind of food. I’m hoping for more regulation.” Farguson’s greatest fantasy is that even he himself will one day be regulated. “After all,” he added, “There is such a thing as too much Niels Farguson.”

Cliff and his wife Joan Diehl are ecstatic about the dramatic drop in regulations. “This could mean we can finally drive our convertible with my top down!” said a glowing Joan. “And I can finally start hunting deer with my favorite hand grenades,” said Cliff enthusiastically.