The annual festival Bullypalooza which promotes and preserves the art of bullying, will be held March 18th and 19th at the Forestville Social Club. Forestville beat out other candidate towns in the United States to host the event after the mayor and a few of his friends paid a visit to those towns’ mayors.
This year’s festival features panel discussions on topics like “What If They Don’t Say ‘Uncle’?,” “The Ancient Art Of Noogies,” and “Verbal Putdowns: Rethinking The ‘Your Mama Is So Fat’ Paradigm.” A special session on “The Future of Bullying” will explore the use of robots to fill in for the busy bully-on-the-go who can’t always bully in person.
Guest speakers include Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel, Governor Chris Christie, Biff Tanner and those two kids from “A Christmas Story,” who will deliver a motivational speech on loudly tormenting kids after school.
A job fair will also be held. Participants will get information on bully-friendly vocations like creepy clown, opinionated loudmouth and investment banker.
Event organizer Dawn Mullins took time out from mercilessly teasing a woman about her ugly hairdo to speak to Boardman. “For the past few years, bullies have been criticized and made to feel worthless. At Bullypalooza we create a safe space for them to hugely boost their self-esteem and feel less afraid to push around the meek and the timid who are, let’s face it people, losers.”
But the festival is not just for bullies. Hans Glum has been picked on all his life, but plans to attend even though he is a four-eyes with a name that rhymes with “dumb.” Says Mr. Glum, “I hope by attending that I will finally find out why I can’t stop hitting myself.” He also looks like his mom still dresses him.
Simsbury’s top chef Christopher Prosperi will prepare food for the event. “I can’t say I support Bullypalooza,” he says, “But they told me if I didn’t help them, they’d steal my customers’ lunch money.”
Tickets for Bullypalooza are available at Ticketmaster or by stealing them from nerds waiting to get in on the day of the event.