Rescue Team Scours Wilderness for Election Holdouts


Two people were found in the Cascades of Oregon who didn’t know the election was over. The campaign survivalists, Jan and Jake Marshow, lived hidden in a makeshift treehouse in Mount Hood National Forest. From there, they would attack the nearby town of Brightwood with campaign fliers and rhyming slogans.

Mount Hood game warden and Viking Ragnar Lodbrok led a group of warriors from their longships inland, to track down the Marshows. “We baited traps with GMO-free granola bars and packets of fair-trade herbal tea,” said Lodbrok. “The pair turned down the bars due to their high gluten content. But they went for the tea, which we laced with enough chamomile to put down a horde of angry Saxons.”

Psychiatrist and Viking Dr. Björn Ironside now treats the Marshows at Roslagen Psychiatric Hospital. He took time out from sacking a medieval French village to speak to Boardman at the sanitarium’s gift shop.

“We are preparing to reintroduce the Marshows to civil society. When we first explain the election is over, that Hillary lost, they deny it. Then, they protest Hamilton and the electoral college. They are now in the third stage of election grief – blaming the loss on a vast right-wing, Russian and FBI conspiracy hatched in a Kremlin Chik-Fil-A. Afterward, they tend to smear themselves with feces.”

But is this the hardest case the doctor and defiler of Norman women has treated? Ironside put down his bloodied atgeir and gestured to a coloring book of past patients that retails for $3.99 at the shop, $3.00 online.

“As you can read, we haven’t had as difficult a time getting patients to accept the outcome of a vote since Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken on ‘American Idol.'”

How many other election deniers are lodged in remote forests is unknown. Hikers in Big Sur report a collection of Hillary supporters making posters and Trump effigies alongside a World War II kamikaze pilot, who is still fighting the Yankee menace in the Pacific. A Bernie supporter, still fighting the Democrat primary election, stands on the periphery yelling “Rigged!” at the group through a biodegradable megaphone.

So what is the Marshows’ prognosis?

The doctor continued talking. “The intervention of family and friends would help chances of a full recovery. After, they could stop here and purchase a key ring or postcard. Or a collectible Viking sword for the kids, so they can cut off the heads of enemies in battle.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


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