Boardman Attends White House Press Conference

February 28, 2017


White House press secretary Sean Spicer revolutionized press conferences by allowing media outlets outside D.C. to attend through the use of Skype. Boardman was lucky enough to get one of these Skype seats for a recent presser.

Sadly, the White House press corps was upset with Boardman. Some felt the Boardman reporter’s question to Sean, “How much is that podium you use and where can I get one for my mom?” was irrelevant to the purpose of the meeting. Even more expressed outrage at the podium’s price tag with an Amish Times reporter claiming he could get one for half the cost in oak. Others were even, even more disgusted by our reporter’s follow-up question, “Can you guess what number I’m thinking of right now?”

Boardman released a statement saying the press corps was sanctimonious in their criticism and that our reporter’s questions was in the interest of the public’s right to know about pressing issues of the day. Also it helped us get a sweet deal on a podium.

Next week, a Skype seat will be held by little Janie Wills who puts out The Forestville Cat Newspaper to her friends in kindergarten. She is expected to ask if the president likes cats and if so, how much.

And the following week, it will be The Bristol Press’s turn to hold a Skype seat. Press reporter Jane Zachary Jones is expected to ask the president’s opinion of Cortland Hull.


State Budget Hilights

February 27, 2017


Governor Malloy’s proposed budget has the capital abuzz. It fulfills his pledge to not raise taxes by having cities and towns raise them instead. Labor unions are called on to make concessions. There is further talk that legislators’ salaries may increase more slowly. To make up the difference, legislators would be allowed to keep tip jars in their offices.

The plan also raises government fees. For example, people who enjoy drinking liquids will be penalized for their guilty pleasure with a doubling in bottle deposits. Cremation certificate fees would rise from $150 to $200. Dead people caught cremating without paying the fee will be reconstituted into corporeal form at their expense.

Many proposals are popular, such as levying property taxes on hospitals. “This is a way for the State to tell people in ICU to stop thinking they’re better than everyone just because they have a life-threatening condition,” said an unnamed Malloy supporter, Donna Davis.

A tripling in fees for pistol permits has the backing of Home Invasion advocates like MS-13. The removal of the state’s minimum price law for alcohol is popular with street bums and is projected to help Democrat consumers come to terms with last year’s election.

At the same time, Malloy wants to keep intact his 30-year, $100 billion transportation initiative to improve mobility.

“Our administration wants to ease traffic congestion,” said the governor’s spokesman in Hindi. “The best way to do that is through tolls and increased gas taxes to reduce the number of people who can afford cars. We also eliminate interstate rest areas to encourage people with weak bladders to either travel faster to their destination or just stay off the highway. Of course, thanks to the governor’s tireless efforts, many people are moving out of the State, so most congestion problems will solve themselves.” According to Google Translate, the spokesman went on to extol curry and mango chutney.

Malloy’s budget also raises the cigarette tax from $3.90 a pack to four million billion dollars. His budget planners say the tax will solve the budget crisis and allow them to finally build the Dannel P. Malloy Spaceport and Tribute Center along with five fifty-foot-tall giant robots to guard it.

Stories from around the state:
– Dyslexic Fan Upset By UConn Women Basketball’s 0-29 Start

– Bridgeport Mayor Celebrates Two Years Of Not Taking Bribes

– Mohegan Sun: Tribes Choose East Windsor for New Connecticut Casino. Was the Fix in Against Forestville Once Again?

Breaking News: Local Man Has Headache

February 25, 2017


Forestville resident Mitchell Luby complained of a constant but dull pain in his head Friday. Co-workers said the headache caused him to leave work early. Although the source or cause of the headache at this hour remains unknown it is not believed to be work related.

Mr. Luby’s status is listed as day to day. The Bristol Press and Bristol Observer are aware of this story but declined to file reports.

In an unrelated matter, a local writer was working on a new article for his blog yesterday and suddenly stopped writing in mid sentennce because h

Malloy’s Austerity Plan for the XL Center

February 23, 2017


With the state under enormous fiscal pressure, Governor Malloy introduced an austerity plan patterned after the successful Greek one that led Greece to face bankruptcy only a second time. 

In an effort to reduce spending, Malloy would eliminate property and income tax credits for the poor and middle class, reduce aid to cities and spend $250 million for the installation of a gold-encrusted governor’s box in the XL Center.  He claims the box will pay for itself over the next hundred years.  If not, he will set fire to the arena for the insurance money.

The XL Center redesign is part of an overall upgrade designed to lure the New York Islanders hockey franchise to Hartford.  He assured diehard Islanders fans that should the team move, there would be no changes to the team at all, except that the jerseys would be green and white and they would be called the “Hartford Whalers.”  Also, all New Yorkers would be banned.

The city’s minor league hockey team, the Hartford Wolfpack, would be pushed out of the XL Center to the Bolton Ice Palace where they would play their games after Learn To Skate class on Mondays.  Malloy claims the Palace will give the Wolfpack a great deal on skate rentals.

Malloy’s bid for a pro sports team to move here follows his successful relocation of the New Britain Rock Cats baseball team to Hartford under the catchy new name, the grazing “Yard Goats.”  Unlike that deal, Malloy has promised the Islanders they would indeed have a place to host their games.  Also, the team would get free Kevlar vests and bulletproof cars for travel into and out of Hartford.

“The team is considering the deal,” said a spokesman for the Islanders, shortly before he was checked into a set of chairs by a New York Rangers player.

Milo Yiannopoulos to Write for Boardman

February 22, 2017


Provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos resigned from BreitBart after controversial remarks he made in a video feed were revealed, which he says were deceptively edited and taken out of context. 

The gay free-speech activist said that he now realizes that giving politically incorrect speeches is far more absorbing than being BreitBart’s technology editor, where he spent his time outing Pepper the Robot and IBM’s Watson.  He announced he would instead work on a new platform for news.  It can now be revealed this platform is the Alan Boardman column.

According to anonymous sources at Boardman like this reporter, the revelation triggered several Boardman journalists, causing them to clutch their pearls and dash off to make protest signs.  One even filed a workman’s comp claim against Boardman for pre-traumatic stress resulting from anticipated sarcasm, irony and wit by Milo.

The head of the office NCAA pool was particularly upset.  “Hiring Milo violates my fourth and fifth amendment rights to not be offended by someone like Milo and not be hit by boulders.  That’s what my nursery school teacher told me.  I’m afraid of boulders.”

Another Boardman employee who answers to “Bob” was found hiding in his safe space in the cold storage room at Nuchie’s Pizza.

“I worry Milo will lampoon the fact I self-identify as a sexually ambiguous penguin,” said Bob.  He then made a few penguin noises before downing a few whole anchovies.

Story is developing…

Actually, it’s not.  The people affected are fired.

VP Pence Misled Again, This Time Regarding a Pizza

February 22, 2017


Media reports have harped on apparent differences in what Trump says and his subordinates say.

In a recent example, his U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley expressed U.S. support for a two-state solution to settle the Israeli and Palestinian conflict. The president said he was flexible on how many a state-solution it ends up to be. This contradiction led Governor Jerry Brown to hope Haley’s two-state solution was about the U.S. and California.

The problem became acute last night when Vice President Pence went to pick up what he thought would be an extra-large sausage and pepper pizza, only to discover Trump changed the order to two large pineapple and pepperoni.

Enemy of the American people

Enemy of the American people

In a subsequent interview, Pence said it wasn’t Trump who changed the order, but ex-national security adviser Micheal Flynn. “I was disappointed to have been once again misled,” Pence added. “Pineapple on pizza? That’s the enemy of the American people.”

Forestville Braces for Moderate Day of Weather

February 21, 2017


A cloudy day will slam Forestville all day Wednesday, according to the National Weather Service.

Forecasters are calling for temperatures in the 50s with a slight chance of a rain shower. The National Weather Service is predicting as much as an eighth of an inch of precipitation is possible. Winds will be light and variable.

Motorists are reminded, if you must travel, keep an extra flashlight, food, and water in your vehicle in case of an emergency.

The flight-tracking site FlightAware has not listed any cancellations of flights out of Bradley International Airport yet. However, the airport urged travelers to check with their carriers about their flight status.

The DOT is encouraging travelers to make informed decisions before hitting the roads.

Residents flocked to grocery stores Tuesday night in anticipation of the sun being obscured by clouds to stock up on bread, milk and related items.