If Governor Malloy’s proposal to levy a property tax on nonprofit hospitals goes through, Bristol Hospital could go out of business, said Bristol Hospital president and CEO Kurt Barwis Saturday.
Given the dire prognosis, the 96-year-old hospital will be forced to sell all of its assets to the bare walls. Said Barwis, “The prices are so low I will be practically giving everything away!”
In a commercial spot to air upon bankruptcy, Barwis guarantees that “unlike blood clots, nothing will be held back!”
“Creditors have given Bristol Hospital three months to live, so we’re having a going-out-of-business sale. Faster than an enema on constipation, everything must go!
“We took a bone saw to prices on all equipment and supplies. Surgical Care, Diagnostic Imaging, Intensive Care – we’re pulling the plug on all departments! No reasonable offer will be refused. Unreasonable offers won’t be either.
“Check out our beds. They go up and down!
“All gurneys priced to move!
“Buy four gently used speculums, get a bedpan free!
“Bartenders, mix your next drink with our blood transfusion machines!
“Parents, imagine the fun your kids will have when they ride in and out of their very own MRI machine. Whoops! Watch those metal braces.
“And what says, ‘I love you’ more than getting your special someone birthing stirrups from the Bristol Hospital.
“And guys, don’t forget the sale on all items in our popular Pharmacy.
“Bristol Hospital will not be undersold. We beat competitors’ prices to a concussive subdural hematoma. Like death, all sales must be final. So come on down to 41 Brewster Road for the Grand Opening of our Grand Closing! Bristol Hospital – Our prices are clinically insaaaaaane!”