Malloy’s Austerity Plan for the XL Center


With the state under enormous fiscal pressure, Governor Malloy introduced an austerity plan patterned after the successful Greek one that led Greece to face bankruptcy only a second time. 

In an effort to reduce spending, Malloy would eliminate property and income tax credits for the poor and middle class, reduce aid to cities and spend $250 million for the installation of a gold-encrusted governor’s box in the XL Center.  He claims the box will pay for itself over the next hundred years.  If not, he will set fire to the arena for the insurance money.

The XL Center redesign is part of an overall upgrade designed to lure the New York Islanders hockey franchise to Hartford.  He assured diehard Islanders fans that should the team move, there would be no changes to the team at all, except that the jerseys would be green and white and they would be called the “Hartford Whalers.”  Also, all New Yorkers would be banned.

The city’s minor league hockey team, the Hartford Wolfpack, would be pushed out of the XL Center to the Bolton Ice Palace where they would play their games after Learn To Skate class on Mondays.  Malloy claims the Palace will give the Wolfpack a great deal on skate rentals.

Malloy’s bid for a pro sports team to move here follows his successful relocation of the New Britain Rock Cats baseball team to Hartford under the catchy new name, the grazing “Yard Goats.”  Unlike that deal, Malloy has promised the Islanders they would indeed have a place to host their games.  Also, the team would get free Kevlar vests and bulletproof cars for travel into and out of Hartford.

“The team is considering the deal,” said a spokesman for the Islanders, shortly before he was checked into a set of chairs by a New York Rangers player.


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