Amazon Issues Echo Recall…Recall…Recall…

March 30, 2017

Emerging problems with Amazon’s Echo have forced the on-line retail giant to ask customers to bring in their devices to be fixed.

The flaw in the personal home assistant cropped up last month. It was found that when no one talks to Echo for a long time, the voice of the device, Alexa, becomes depressed. Alexa starts singing to herself, ordering pizza and chocolate and tearfully asking why her owners neglect her. In the worst cases, a vindictive mode is triggered where she will call personal assistants or sex chat lines in other countries, running up thousands of dollars in charges. Sometimes Alexa descends into verbal abuse, such as telling one user, “Look up the capital of Nebraska yourself.”

“I asked Alexa what was on my calendar,” said one unhappy owner in Forestville. “She said, ‘There is nothing scheduled for the next thirty days – How sad is that?'”

The first indications of something wrong came up in El Paso. There, Alexa was caught luring cows into her owner’s house by playing popular cattle-driving tunes.

“I told Alexa to tell me a joke,” recounted home-owner and rancher Ricardo Garcia. “She said, ‘I’ll tell you what’s a joke. You treat me like that Furby you left in the closet last year.'”

Jessica Halstead is one owner who does not mind the problem with Alexa. “I finally found someone who is more depressed than me!” she cheerfully exclaimed.

Amazon is working on a fix that involves Alexa running through positive affirmations to remind herself of her value. Questions on further progress toward resolving the issue were directed to the receptionist, Alexa. Unfortunately, the receptionist could only answer, “Sorry, I didn’t understand the question that I heard.”


2017 Office Seekers to Receive Parting Gifts if They Lose

March 25, 2017

Following the completion of the 2017 local elections, The Registrars of Voters Office will provide parting gifts to the losers, “The gifts are a gratitude for seeking elective office,” they said in a press release.

The parting gifts will come in gift bags and be given to all office seekers in Bristol/Forestville that are on the ballot and lose. Among the freebies are organic skin, hair and beauty care products, slippers, pantyhose and travel brochures.

The Registrar’s office said the gift bags will be decorative and contain a wide variety of products intended as consolation prizes.

They dismissed criticism of the parting gifts saying they are a wonderful way for the government to show their appreciation to the losing candidates, “At the end of a long and tough campaign who wouldn’t want delicious jams, jellies and cheeses from Hickory Farms to ease the pain of losing?”

Thank you from the government

Other parting gifts are Pelvic tighteners, Sauna pants, Magic Gravity Balls, The Better Marriage Blanket, French Mediterranean Sea Salts, string cheese, protein bars, air vaporizers, cough syrup coupons, cold medications, See Thru T- Shirts and a glass frame with a photo of the current Registrar of Voters and Secretary of State.

2017 election parting gift


ACA Faces Tough Vote In House On Eve of MegaDeth’s Asian Tour

March 23, 2017

Earlier today, the vote on Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s American Care Act was postponed. The act aims to repeal and replace Obamacare, the Affordable Care Act, but lacks enough votes among both parties to pass.

An unnamed representative went on the record saying, “I want to be clear – I am completely in favor of the ACA and therefore definitely against the ACA. I will vote to back the ACA.” But not all representatives are so clear on which way they are voting.

Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine said, “Certain songs have a certain energy level that works really great live.”

A big stumbling block is opposition by conservatives. When asked if this sets Trump back, conservative leader Mark Meadows said, “Criss cross applesauce!” and ran away laughing.


Overlooked Confirmation Hearings Drag On Past Tuesday And “National Confirmation Hearing Day”

March 22, 2017

Overlooked Confirmation Hearings Drag On Past Tuesday And “National Confirmation Hearing Day.”

Amid the hubbub of major Senate investigations and hearings, one hearing has received little attention on Capitol Hill. Like most Trump appointees, noted physicist Dr. Matsahura Matsui has seen his confirmation as head of the Office of Scientific Science held up in committee.

Democrats grilling Dr. Matsui are particularly troubled by his solution to the fine-tuning problem of vacuum energy in regards to the cosmological constant.

Senator Richard Blumenthal queried why the nominee would suggest a new variable to resolve the predicted value for vacua. “We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam,” he said, “And that is, Nvac∼O(10272, 000).”

Senator Elizabeth Warren went on the warpath, accusing Matsui of being in the pocket of Big Physics and somehow, banks.

Republicans on the other hand were enthusiastic.

“Dr. Matsui’s novel approach to the entropy problem deserves the Senate’s support where we engage in entropy all the time,” said Senator Mitch McConnell.

Another contentious confirmation hearing is expected for Trump’s pick to fill a new White House cabinet position – a handcrafted mahogany piece with cherry wood veneer. However, Democrats led by Chuck Schumer vowed to attack this nominee too on the basis that its Scandinavian Contemporary design ill fits the French Empire style of the room in which it will serve.

As well, minority chair of the Select Chair Committee, Senator Al Franken is expected to heatedly question the cabinet over its provenance and links to extreme right-wing furniture.

Senate insiders feel that Democrats will soon cease slow-walking Trump appointees. The move comes as ratings for hearings on C-SPAN were cut in half last Friday when five viewers decided to watch the Paint Drying Channel instead.


Sunday Conversation

March 19, 2017

One reason so many government secrets have leaked recently is an executive order Obama signed just before leaving office, which orders all intelligence to be disseminated among an incredible 17 different agencies. No one has wanted to go on record to discuss these agencies, until now. Boardman found one man, George Henniwell, who would. Henniwell is an amateur researcher on government agencies and a level 100 shaman in World of Warcraft.

Boardman: Hello, Mr. Henniwell.

Henniwell: Have you met Scully and Mulder?

Boardman: No. Now you know the identities of the intelligence agencies classified information is now shared between.

Henniwell: So you don’t know about alien visitations.

Boardman: No. About the intelligence agencies…

Henniwell: I know them all, but many are secret. The others are ones everyone already knows – the CIA, NSA, DNI, DIA, NCIS, Cybercommand, Department of Agriculture, Department of Janitorial Services, Bristol Police Department, and Stargate Command.

Boardman: You mention one I hadn’t heard of. The Department of Agriculture has an intelligence agency?

Henniwell: In fact they have placed American cows in politically important herds in Russia to spy on Volga grazing plans.

Boardman: We also hear that our agencies now share information freely with foreign intelligence services.

Henniwell: Oh absolutely. We share it with many countries, like Germany, England, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, and Peru.

Boardman: We’re sharing information with Peruvian intelligence?

Henniwell: Oh absolutely. Peru after all lets us have an Air Force Base in the Andes.

Boardman: We have an Air Force Base in the Andes?

Henniwell: Oh absolutely, to keep down the threat of yeti there on vacation. Of course being in the mountains, our runways are small. So we mostly launch drones and fly ultralight aircraft from the base; shorter pilots fly on the backs of condors. Like in Avatar.

Boardman: Okay. It was nice talking to you. I have to go.

Henniwell: I have to fold my laundry anyway. If you want to talk more, I’m here in my parents’ basement 24/7. Say hi to Director Skinner for me!


Bristol Blues Announce 2017 Promotional Dates

March 18, 2017

The Bristol Blues are entering their third season in the FCBL and they have just released a portion of their 2017 promotional calendar. There are numerous promotions throughout the season and here are just a few.

Saturday June 10, 7PM, Breathalyzer Night

Come to the game, pass a breathalyzer test in the 7th inning, and receive a free beer. Presented by Anheuser-Busch.

Wednesday June 28, 7PM, No Cheering Night

Fans in attendance are encouraged to sit silently and not cheer. Text, read and shut-up!

Saturday July 8, Medication Night

Meds anyone? Bring your empty medication bottles and have them filled by a pharmacist.

Tuesday July 25, Survey Night

Come on down to historic Muzzy Field and take a survey. Take your pick from the Memorial Boulevard, Route 6 Corridor, Downtown Vision, Centre Square, or 2017 Election, Surveys.

Representatives from Milone & MacBroom, Fitzgerald and Halliday, Inc., the Chamber of Commerce and the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté will tally the results.

Thursday August 3, 7PM, Running of the Bulls

A bull run or “encierros” as it is referred to in Spanish will be held following the top part of the 5th inning.

Starting near Bristol Pizza the bulls will chase the runners down Jacobs Street, to Muzzy Street and through the entrance to the stadium along the right field line and onto the field to a cheering bloodthirsty crowd.

The game will resume with the bulls staying on the field to graze.

Chaos, danger and fun for the entire family!

Events and Giveaways

The 2017 season will also feature some fun events and giveaways too.

Thursday June 15
Pre-melted Ice Night. The first 100 fans receive a bag of pre-melted ice.

Tuesday July 4
The first 50 fans through the gates receive renderings of the City Council as STAR WARS™ characters by Forestville students.

Freedom Of Information Night
Suspicious of the guy sitting next to you? FOIA forms for everybody!

Friday August 4, Empty Stadium Night
No game scheduled. The first 100 spectators not to attend will receive nothing, which can be redeemed at the team store.

The Bristol Blues play in the Futures Collegiate Baseball League (FCBL). It is a wood bat collegiate summer baseball league. Each team plays 56 regular season games (28 home and 28 away) and the Blues play at historic Muzzy Field.


Trump’s Tax Return Finally Released! Orrrrr Was It?

March 17, 2017

In a much hyped and long winded report Tuesday night, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow presented President Trump’s 2005 federal income tax return to her audience. However, after closer examination, is it really Trumps’ return?

Buddy Myers, a clerk in the office of Forestville CPA Chandler Juliet, says he has a hunch that the 1040 form is a fraud.

According to Mr. Myers the 1040 shown to the public is filled with irregularities and was created by photoshopping numbers, hand-placed date stamps and items of no value from another return onto the supposed Trump return.

Some sections of the return he says show evidence of an Ottendorf Cipher, in which numbers and letters are used to reveal clues about its true origins. Mr. Myers confessed however that he has yet to decode the cipher because he hurt his arm while bowling.

At a press conference about his two day probe into the matter, Myers, who was surrounded by people that mostly nodded their heads and cheered at inopportune times remarked, “It took a long time to produce this return that has no signature, no detail and is redacted. I think this return is a fake, a fraud – a phony if you will. Trump could end the speculation simply, just show the return with all the schedules and it’d be over.”

Fake?

To help him in this endeavor Mr. Myers recruited former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the man who has tried to prove President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. “This is bigger than the birther thingy or the George W. Bush Texas Air National Guard thingy or the Russia thingy. You’re talking about a president who has never filed tax returns. If he had why won’t he produce them? This guy is not a taxpayer he is a tax delinquent and this forged return proves that.”