Desperately Seeking Tax Increases

April 27, 2017

Legislative Democrats at the Connecticut State Capitol are disappointed that the bonding committee will not recommend major tax hikes this year. “What is wrong with these people?” asked Senate President Pro Tempore Martin M. Looney as he began to tear up. “It’s our bread and butter.”

State Senator Beth Bye was equally stymied and dramatically asked, “What is the point of a legislative session if we are not going to have tax increases? Isn’t that why we are here?”

Consequently, Democrats in the House and the Senate, desperate to sign tax legislation that would raise taxes, frantically called legislators in other states and pleaded to allow Connecticut lawmakers the opportunity to sign legislation in their jurisdiction, which would raise taxes on individuals, corporations and or dead people.


City Planning Gala to Celebrate MBS Still Being Closed

April 26, 2017

Later this year the City of Bristol will host a black-tie gala ball at Nuchie’s to celebrate 5 years of the Memorial Boulevard School being closed.

The mayor, along with city councilors, civic leaders and important people that no one has ever heard of, will celebrate the closing of the school, and the continued commitment to keep the landmark building, built in 1923, closed.

The MBS Gala will include cocktails, dinner, live music by the band Closed Casket and an auction of MBS memorabilia led by Christie’s Auction House of New York.  Noted memorabilia collector Bill Chatterton has donated MBS grout from his collection to the auction.  A silent auction will also be held and feature an autographed copy of the MBS Task Force Final Report signed by all the committee members. 

Former news reporter Tom Monahan will be the Master of Ceremonies. 

There will even be local tributes and renderings by the Art Squad. Among them is a beautifully painted traffic box of the historic and iconic building entitled Empty. Critics say the traffic box is truly an awe inspiring work of art and verification that there is a God.

The classically designed building closed in 2012.  The task force charged with developing a plan for the school put in 15 months of hard work, and recommended using the building as a community cultural and arts center. It was believed the undertaking would be part of a strategy to increase economic development and cultural growth.  Instead the Memorial Boulevard School remains dark, barren and empty and is now the latest attraction in an ever growing collection of empty buildings and vacant lots. 





London Marathon Finish Includes Local Resident?

April 26, 2017

Last Sunday’s London Marathon included one Bristol resident, Bryan Smythe Smiley.

Smiley was ebullient, but tired.  When we interviewed him at the finish line, we were struck by his pronounced British accent.

“I get that all the time,” he said.  “People think I am from Bristol, England.  Don’t let the O.B.E. after my name fool you.  That stands for ‘Order of Bristol Envelopes.’  It is something only a person from our Connecticut chapter would get.  My whole family lives in Bristol in Connecticut, U.S. of A., by George.  My grandfather was even 11th Earl of Bristol.”

Back in Connecticut, a local historian Jack Maize was beside himself.  “What Smiley claims is not true.  The voter rolls even show he resides in Bristol, England.  And Bristol never had earls.  I should know.  My great aunt was High Executioner for this town back in the war.”

We caught up with another local historian, Greg Putank, hanging outside Greer’s Chicken with a sign saying, “Will Provide Historical Context For Food.”   Putank vehemently decried these distortions of the truth.  “Both men are lying.  In fact, the second man is not even a historian.  I usually see him dumpster diving outside Price Chopper.  Believe me, no historian would go near their dumpsters.  We are loyal to Stop & Shop!”

“It is an ideal place to get a diachronic perspective for reconstructing aspects of individual and group identity shaped by current political exigencies through contextual analysis of the disposed comestible and toiletry repertoire.  I also like the bagels they toss.”

Price Chopper had no comment, but did brag that one London Marathon finisher was Georgina MacStewart, an employee with their new London store.  Or New London store?

Who Will the Democrats Run?

April 22, 2017

Bristol Democrats have not decided on a mayoral candidate for the 2017 election. They have a strong and talented roster from which to choose. Here is a small list of prominent democrats that Las Vegas odds makers and political insiders say are in the mix.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu
There is no better resume within either party. She is well-read, smart, talented and knows the issues. However she is left handed and there have not been many left handed mayors in Bristol’s history. Her political foes will hold it against her and no doubt the left handed issue weighs heavy on her decision to seek the top spot. Uncommitted voters say if she shows any evidence of being ambidextrous they will vote for her.

Calvin Brown
Calvin is passionate and enjoys politics yet he has not made a decision about his political future. Although he did tell a radio audience last month that he will hold everyone accountable regardless of what he decides. What punishment will Calvin unleash? A very stiff talking to? Letters to the editor in all caps? Unfriend Facebook friends? Hmm.

Morris “Rippy” Patton
Actively involved in the community and his profile continues to rise within the party. However, he is a Boston Red Sox fan and in 2016 the Sox were 9th in league ERA and backed into the playoffs. Will voters respond to a candidate that supports a team which backed into the playoffs?

Dave Preleski
Hard working, well respected and quiet, Mr. Preleski would be a capable candidate. Critics charge that he is so quiet that he has become the invisible man. Will voters elect the Claude Rains candidate?

The Unknown Candidate
The Unknown candidate is stoic, thoughtful, philosophical, genuine and ethical. That is until he/she must take a position. Like the backup quarterback or the next day’s starting pitcher, everyone loves the unknown candidate. He/she represents what we see in the best of ourselves. It is believed the Unknown Candidate will sit this one out though because he/she has too much baggage.

In the end everyone wants an election process that remains focused on the issues and not the candidates’ personalities. Unless of course you produce content that exposes absurdity and hypocrisy. You want everyone to play nice but you root for a free-for-all. Let’s hope however everyone plays nice in the sandbox (fingers crossed).

April 20, 2017

New Medical Office Building Building In Bristol?

Rumors spread this week about the City of Bristol permitting a company to erect a medical office building in town.  Boardman sent its investigative team to determine if the rumors are true.

They are true.


– Politifact Rates Itself “Mostly False”

– Rasmussen Hires Illegals To Poll One-Hundred People – Respondents Hospitalized As Workers Unaware Of Homonyms In English

– Southington School Board Votes 4.3 To 2.7 To Stop Teaching Fractions

April 17, 2017

Probing The Rise Of Religious-Related Vice In Bristol

Residents of Davis Drive are complaining about an increasing number of streetwalkers in the neighborhood. The streetwalkers, dressed in white shirt, tie and slacks and carrying Bibles, hang on the corner, waiting to be picked up. Johns who do, drive them to shady alleyways where the streetwalkers then perform religious acts on them, like baptisms, exorcisms or recitations of Bible verses.

One local, Jimmy “Two-Dollar Bill” Samson complained how this activity is causing the whole neighborhood to go uphill. “Ten last night, I was doing a drug deal when I hear folks outside in a parked car praising Jesus. Tell me how can I get deals done with that racket?”

A Tale Of Heartbreak And Betrayal
Most johns prefer anonymous sacraments, fearing others will find out they believe in God. Vice squad policeman Martin Martinmartin recounted, “The other day we picked up an ACLU board member for solicitation of a preacher. When even atheists are paying for spiritual relief in the middle of the night, you know the problem is out of control.”

One distraught spouse would not speak to us on the record. So we used a hidden microphone.

“Ken (what she called her husband thinking no one would know his real name, Nick Fisher) called to say he had to work late. Then go see a prostitute. But I find out instead he took part in a Bible study orgy.” She teared up. “He told me last month the ash on his forehead came from a fight with a 19th-Century chimney sweep! How could I have been so blind?”

Many Streetwalkers Come
Many streetwalkers come from the Midwest, hoping to make it big in Bristol. Instead, they end up selling their religious services and sermons to survive. Some even lose their addiction to drugs.

“We recently busted a reverend who pimped street preachers out,” Officer Martinmartin said. “In return, he got a cut of the offerings to buy a fancy statue for his church. Disgusting!”

Boardman Accompanied The
Boardman accompanied the officer during a raid on an area strip club where more than bare flesh was on the menu. After Boardman paid for a few lap dances, the police arrested three women for proselytization, which carries a minimum sentence of three Hail Marys and one Our Father.

What is next for the city?

Martinmartin summed up their efforts. “In the past year, we shut down two seedy flophouses of prayer. We need to send a clear message that God has no place on the streets of Bristol.”

Also On Boardman:
– NASA Finds Galaxy That Looks Like Geraldo Rivera
– Archeologists Uncover Evidence Ancient Mayans Ate Food
– April On Track To Be Dewiest Month On Record
– World’s Second Oldest Person Cheers Death Of World’s Oldest Person: “Now Who’s Number One?”

Naysayers Appreciation Day

April 12, 2017

Cynics, sourpusses, and Prophets of Doom will hold a banquet this Saturday at the Forestville Historical Society as part of “Naysayers Appreciation Day.”

Never one to volunteer or contribute anything helpful to the community, the Grousey Gus’s will honor their never ending negative and pessimistic views of everything. The festivities include a reception, banquet and an opportunity to criticize the night’s events.

The Naysayer of the Year Award will be presented to Augie Geller. Mr. Geller will be honored because he has 40 years of experience ridiculing mayors’, the city council, snow plowing, the traffic on Route 6, The Mall, Renascence Downtowns, Muzzy Field, the Water Department, the mill rate, schools, teachers, sidewalks, blight, The Bristol Red Sox, and a wealth of other issues without ever offering a solution to any problem or situation.

Mr. Geller is expected to complain in his acceptance speech about the menu, his table guests, the award and that the room is cold and drafty.