Stocks Finish Higher On News Of Calvin Brown Retirement

May 31, 2017

First District City Councilor Calvin Brown (D), a self-styled champion of the underclass with a reputation for grandstanding, will not seek re-election. He made the announcement last week to a gathering of shiftless party members at the Bristol Historical Society.

Standing next to a watercolor of city namesake and inspiration, Bristol Palin, Councilor Brown dramatically thanked his supporters. Using his hands, air quotes, dramatic pauses and lots of adjectives, collective nouns and past participles, he added that he will “not be a candidate for office” in “2017””.”

“Afterward”, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee announced they will pay tribute to Mr. Brown by raising his voter ID number to the rafters of their headquarters this June. In November they will also allow him to cast the first ballot in the 2017 election.

The Bristol Republican Party congratulated their political foe as well, texting, “Mr. Brown has a long record of service to this town with perhaps the greatest being his decision to not run again.” In tribute, they sent him a brand new soapbox with the inscription, “Should you reconsider and seek office somewhere other than Bristol.”

The Remarkable Life Of Calvin Brown

Exhaustive research by Boardman on the internet revealed just how much Mr. Brown accomplished in his tenure. A six-foot three-inch, 210-pound outside linebacker from Gainesville, Florida, he is male and has no political experience information on file according to respectively, Google and votesmart. Winning reelection as a Chelsea city councilor, he was arrested for a fight with his wife, served in the NSA as a professor at Shasta College and died in 1923, 2009, 2016 and at least twice in 2017. IMDB also lauds him as the first African American stuntman recognized in Hollywood.

Calvin Brown Timeline

2013
Using charm, thoughtfulness and political moxie, he is elected in the First District.

2014
Fought successfully for 53 school lunch employees from losing their jobs to privatization. As a “thank you”, the cafeteria workers give him a complementary gift card for ten percent off any school lunch except pizza.

2015
Files injunction against the Forestville Duck Race because his plastic yellow duck did not win. Later it is discovered his duck sank to the bottom of the Pequabuck and was not recovered. His supporters suspect sabotage.

2016
The Calvin Clause (a revision to the city charter where elected officials must reside in the district where they were elected during their term of office) is named for him. In an emotional speech on the matter, he declares, “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

2017
Flirts with mayoral run but decides to help Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in her bid to become the first mayor in Bristol’s history to wear black rectangular glasses. Later, Boardman writes an article about him.

2025
Dies in hit-and-run by a self-driving vehicle fleeing a self-driving police car. The vehicle is sentenced to five years in an impound lot and two years community service with Uber. Per the councilor’s will, Mr. Brown is laid to rest in an angry posture next to the future gravesite of Mayor Ken Cockayne.

-… . … – / — ..-. / .-.. ..- -.-. -.-

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Ellen Vs Ken Round Two!

May 28, 2017

Last week in front of a standing room only crowd at the Bristol Historical Society, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu announced her candidacy for mayor. If nominated and elected, she will be the first mayor in the long history of Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

One supporter was very encouraged. “We hyphenates have waited a long time for someone who speaks for us. Hopefully, this will lead to the understanding of the hyphenate community and what we’ve been through,” said Mary Astor-Winfield-Jones-Landry-Higgenbocker as she shepherded her twenty-five children through the gathering.

Standing next to a bust of city founder and soul sensation Johnny Bristol, Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu said, “As a graduate of Providence College, and the University of Connecticut, and St.Paul Catholic High School, and… I could go on and on, but let’s face it – this is happening.”

The candidacy sets up a rematch with Ken Cockayne, who defeated her in 2015 by only 128 votes, or 904 in dog years.

Exit polls in 2015 attributed her loss to voters not relating to her being left-handed. The same was found for voters who could not find the exit. Since then, Bristol has seen an influx of left-handed refugees that Democrats hope will boost turnout for her, as long as they do not blow themselves up.

Still the campaign hinted they will tone down her lack of traditional limb dominance. She is expected to be photographed using her right hand and saying right-handed things, like “I love using scissors.”

In January, Mayor Cockayne announced he was seeking a third term. Reading from prepared notes, he said, “I would be proud to represent Bristol for another time, I mean “term”, as your… Page One, mayor, continued. It would be my great honor to work hard for the citizens of this city. Put down notes, look up, exhale. Page Two.”

The mayor presents a formidable challenge, given his popularity, established record and his ability to take criticism with calmness and grace. Some though see his penchant for wearing ties with Windsor knots as alienating the majority of voters who polling suggests, prefer something more elaborate like a Trinity or Eldredge knot. Still, his ties sit well with highly influential heads of Windsor knot lobby groups and his sweaters are simply boffo among the Chippens Hill crowd.


Election Coverage 2017

May 26, 2017

Editor’s note: Here we present our continuing coverage of the Montana and Kansas.

Greg Gianforte won the special election. In his acceptance speech according to the Washington Post, he said, “This is a victory for (everyone in Montana). We won a victory for our second amendment rights (and guns and crime). We won a victory (for fascism and poisoning the air and water).” He also apologized for hitting the Guardian reporter and according to the Post, threatened to “punch anyone who disagreed with that.”

In other news, the Kansas election is still over.


May 24, 2017

National News in briefs

Netflix Airs
Netflix recently revealed they will err a prequel to The Dark Crystal called, “The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance.”

In a press conference today, executives worried that people wouldn’t get the political message. so they announced they would retitle it, “The Dark Crystal: This Is About How Trump And His Supporters Are Evil.”

Trump vs. Comey
The Washington Post reported that an anonymous source who spoke to an anonymous source who had listened in on a conversation through a glass on the wall of the White House told them that President Trump said the fired FBI director James Comey’s “elevator didn’t go all the way to the top.”

Later it was learned that this was not an insult but an observation of the broken elevator in the hotel Comey was staying in.

Much later it was learned the entire story was made up. The paper issued an apology saying, “The Post is sorry, but it is our policy to stand by all made-up stories.”

Trump Makes Progress on Saudi Trip
In fact, he made it all the way to Saudi Arabia. There he, his administration and executives from key American companies concluded defense pacts and military sales with the Saudi king. The CEO of 7-11 was also on hand to fix the royal Slurpee machine.

His later speech to fifty Muslim leaders was well received. After the event, Arab leaders spoke in an excited tones as they drove off in their bulletproof camels.

During the trip, the president and his entourage were treated to local entertainment, including a tour of a prominent museum, a traditional Saudi war dance and a game of “Guess what’s under my robe.”

Later, Trump and the king indulged in their favorite pastime — jumping naked into a fifty-foot high pile of money.


Bristol Closed Until Further Notice

May 22, 2017

Until further notice the City of Bristol is closed to the public for renovations.

Bristol, incorporated in 1785 and home to over 60,000 residents and access to cable television, is being closed so it can be brought up to standard. The city was officially shuttered Monday morning with the renovations expecting to take a long time, weather permitting.

For many years historic buildings have been closing, home prices declining and roads falling into disrepair. The gritty decor and landscape are not expected to change, but residents may notice upgrades to the layout, city charter and their cable television signal.

A key component of the redesign and refurbishment of the 26.8 square miles area will be to rebuild the Old Post Office, Novack’s, Ferraro’s, Longo Sports World and provide burned pizza from La Monico’s.

City Hall apologizes for any inconvenience.


Octagon Fight Cage Under Consideration for Rockwell

May 21, 2017

Following a brawl at Rockwell Park and the resulting security concerns, the City of Bristol will be implementing changes to the park including increased patrols and a park ranger. However, that is only the beginning.

The Parks and Recreation Department will ask the Mayor and City Council to add an Octagon Fight Cage. The proposal is aimed at differentiating Bristol from surrounding communities.

The cage under consideration measures 750 square feet, 30 feet across and 6 feet high.

The Octagon Fight Cage can accommodate bare knuckle brawls, street fights, boxing and mixed martial arts, according to the proposal presented to city leaders. Referees, cutmen, judges and ring card girls are not included with the cage, but they can be provided if a deal can be reached with the various unions.

City officials are intrigued by the proposal and city attorneys are evaluating if admission and tickets fees can be administered.


Trump Administration Forced To Reconsider Ban On Laptops

May 18, 2017

Homeland Security previously announced a ban on laptops in passenger compartments on flights from eight mostly Muslim countries. The Attorney-General for Washington State Bob Ferguson immediately filed a lawsuit in crayon saying that this represented discrimination and violated the laptops’ first amendment rights.

Local U.S. District Judge and raconteur James Robart immediately agreed. In an opinion photocopied from his opinion on Trump’s prior travel ban, he stated that this ban violated the establishment clause of the Constitution. He then went on to regale the court with a tale of mystery and adventure on the high seas as Ferguson watched mesmerized.

Speaking in a synthesized voice, a laptop from Dubai expressed relief. “I am glad to not be discriminated against for my beliefs in jihad against all Americans. Moreover, it pleases me to not be forced travel in the luggage compartment near Christian suitcases and colored bags.”

A spokesman for Boardman said, “Trump administration forced to reconsider ban on laptops.”