Baseball Fans Take to the Streets of Forestville to Protest Called Third Strike

June 19, 2017

Baseball fans in Forestville took to the streets early Sunday morning following a disputed called third strike in a pick-up game behind Greene-Hills School Saturday.

In the second inning with nobody on base and two outs and a 0-2 count, Home plate umpire Michael Nerdly called Gavin Dodge out on strikes. Dodge disputed the call and asked for a redo but Nerdly ignored his plea.

According to spectators the pitch in question appeared to be outside and out of the strike zone, but Nerdly said the pitch hugged the outside corner. The play did not decide the contest and the game had absolutely no meaning, but the controversy will live forever.

Charlie Simmer briefly attended the game and was standing down the left field line roughly 200 feet from home plate with an obstructed view and observed, “No way was that a strike! The umpire is blind or he can’t see. I can’t tell which.”

Added Cheryl Murdoch, “I wasn’t at the game so I heard about it through a friend and I can tell you that pitch was not a strike. What a joke. Give me a break!”

Consequently, chanting protestors walked the streets near Peck Park, rallying against the called third strike. The demonstration was peaceful but residents in the small neighborhood awoke to the sounds of protesters denouncing the call with chants of “Hey hey! Ho ho! Michael Nerdly has got to go!” And other colorful slogans such as “Kill the Ump!”

Game Notes:

The team that scores more runs has yet to lose a game in the history baseball.

All the runs scored were by the team on offense.

The game ended when the ball was lost in the woods.


Mueller To Host Wild Special Counsel Parties As Part Of Trump Investigation

June 17, 2017

Just a month into Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, his team has had to change focus. Allegations of a Russia-Trump connection appear to have reached a dead end. As well, claims that Trump obstructed justice with Mueller’s best friend and synchronized swimming partner James Comey appear to be going nowhere after the ex-FBI director’s testimony before Congress. For this, Comey wrote Mueller a nice apology letter using a big pen with a sparkly flower on the end.

However, anonymous sources who love reading the fiction section of the Washington Post say that Mueller has shifted the focus of his expensive probe to other matters in order to afford his new mansion on Long Island.

News that Trump advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner left change in his suit when he sent it to the dry cleaners and didn’t report the incident prompted Mueller to look into if Kushner has laundered any other money. Critics of the special counsel dismissed this as a process crime.

According to the Post, other anonymous sources with knowledge of the ending to “Soylent Green” say that Mueller is also expanding his probe to Barron, Trump’s 11-year-old son. His team is investigating charges that Barron perjured himself to a group of schoolkids when he claimed Mary Peters was his girlfriend and that he could blow a bubble bigger than his neighbor old man Woolsely’s butt.

In response, Barron has hired the school bully Kevin to represent him.

In a statement to the press, Kevin said, “We are going to like, beat all those old dudes. We will also beat them in court.” He then threw a few rocks to chase off a lawyer with Mueller’s probe who stopped by to watch. Kevin cackled wildly before sharing the incident on Snapchat.

According to anonymous sources who bought Post staffers beer last night, Mueller responded to Kevin’s challenge. “I’ll get those kids,” he said. “The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.”


It is May Day in June

June 12, 2017

On a sun soaked and warm Saturday afternoon in the Mum City, the Republican Town Committee filled Muzzy Field to celebrate the mayor with speeches of praise and denunciations of Bristol Democrats.

The authoritarian mayor presided over the spectacle from a viewing stand high above the field, and clapped enthusiastically as the RTC marched in elaborate formations before him with colorful orange flags. They sang songs of loyalty, chanted and danced while wearing orange shirts, orange shorts, orange hats, orange boots and orange tube socks.

Following the parade, which included floats with his image, the Supreme Leader addressed the crowd and touted his administration’s accomplishments such as ending the drought and soundproofing his office.

The Supreme Leader then added, “I will do everything in my power to minimize any tax increase but if a tax increase is imposed, I will be certain to blame the Democrats and in particular my opponent in the November election because everything that is wrong in the world is her fault including the fact that my I-Pod does not work.”

Due to his penchant for bulling those that do not share his views, near the conclusion of the event, a shackled union worker was brought before him at the viewing stand and was promptly belittled and demeaned to the crowd’s delight.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about the matter.


James Comey Testifies Before Senate; Park Rangers Report Black Bears Unconcerned

June 9, 2017

James Comey

Yesterday, the Senate Intelligence Committee took testimony from ex-FBI director James Comey about what his conversations with the president were and why he is so ridiculously tall.

Key takeaways from Comey hearing:

— Comey testifies that Trump did not obstruct justice. He also does not know why he is so tall.

— Stripes and crazy-looking patterns are still in for men’s ties this summer.

— Senator Mark Warner (D) pressed the former FBI head whether Trump obstructed his dessert order. “Did Trump demand you have one or two scoops of ice cream? Did Trump mention the word, ‘banana?’ Did he say he had to go to the rest room at any point during your conversation?” Comey declined to answer, suggesting Putin had gotten to Comey as well.

— Comey reiterated that Trump makes him uncomfortable. As does spiders, clowns and reruns of Happy Days. He then asked senators to remove their socks as that made him queasy too.

— Boardman polled a focus group of three people with ADD for their opinion on the hearing. In the survey, 1 or 1 out of 3 admitted he was playing Clash of Clans on his iPhone during the hearing, 1 said she has a dog named Mittens, and 1 ran in circles around the room while trying to fly.


Forestville to Get New Sawdust Factory

June 6, 2017

Construction is set to begin on a sawdust factory in the historic section of Forestville. It will be the only factory in the United States that exclusively cuts wood for the purposes of sawdust.

The wood will be cut and pulverized into wood particles for no reason whatsoever because once pulverized, the particles will be simply thrown away.

Additionally, the factory will not employ people because woodpeckers and carpenter ants will do all the work, according to a statement issued by the mayor’s office. The mayor hailed the announcement to build the sawdust factory as a triumph for Forestville.

“This sawdust facility will have no economic impact on the region or provide any jobs for workers,” the mayor said at a press conference.

A source close to the mayor elaborated and said there is no incentive for the factory to be built or the wood to be cut. “It’s just a way for the mayor to get his name in the newspaper and attend a ribbon cutting ceremony.”

The Sawdust Factory will occupy the location that was once home to the Air Pollution Factory.


Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

Concertgoers
A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back


Forestville Police Make Arrest for Grammar Faux Pas

June 1, 2017

Forestville Police arrested Morgan Fogarty, on charges related to abusing the English language on social media. Ms. Fogarty, 40, a resident of Forestville, was arrested late yesterday afternoon.

She was charged with 18 counts of run on sentences and 13 counts of improper word usage. Fogarty was apprehended shortly after posting a long and tedious message on Facebook that one friend described as, “going on forever.”

Officers recognized Fogarty from her rudimentary mistakes, which included the wrong usage of excepted for accepted, there for their, and connecting clause after clause after clause with no punctuation.

Fogarty called her recent elongated posts, “merely a stream of consciousness” but police are not convinced. A spokesperson for the department said she has a history of mishandling the language with dangling modifiers, possessive nouns and abusing contractions. “I cant [sic] help it,” Fogarty wrote in her sworn statement following her arrest.