Greta Out at MSNBC

June 30, 2017

Greta Van Susteren is out after 6 months MSNBC, but she won’t be out of work long.    

Nutmeg TV, the public access provider for Forestville and Bristol, contacted Van Susteren immediately following her dismissal and hired her to host a call-in show called, “The Talk of Bristol.”

According to Nutmeg TV Executive Director Joanie Sutter, “The Talk of Bristol” will broadcast every other Tuesday at 6 p.m., following “Fun With Straws” and prior to “How to Dig a Hole.”

Despite her awards, fame and over 20 years of television experience, Ms. Van Susteren must take Nutmeg TVs production classes to learn how to use their equipment and produce a program before she goes on the air, Sutter proudly revealed. 
This is the second coup for the public access station in as many months.  In May they landed Scott Pelley formally anchor and managing editor of the “CBS Evening News.”  Mr. Pelley currently labels and logs tapes in the Nutmeg TV Library because he has not yet completed Nutmeg’s rigorous production classes.

“For The Record with Greta” began airing on MSNBC in January of 2017, and was cancelled due to poor ratings and frizzy hair.


Boardman Latest Victim of Cyberattack

June 29, 2017

Boardman discovered it was the latest victim of a new ransomware, Basho-Buson.

Forensic computer experts found that it got into the computer system when an employee opened an email claiming to be from the “President of the America.”  In the email, he clicked on a link that promised to give him “million of dollar.”  Off the site it linked to, he downloaded a file that claimed to have the location of Blackbeard’s buried treasure.  Once on his computer, he opened the file.  The file told him to download the ransomware which he then did, causing the infectionIn the east.

“Basho-Buson is software that we call ‘malicious’, which means ‘bad’, that affects computers or what lay people call ‘counting machines’,” said an expert, which is a term used to describe someone who knows a lot.  “The sender employs a clever strategy to dupe the user into thinking this will be a good, not harmful ransomware.  I mean, who wouldn’t think they were about to get Blackbeard’s treasure map?” splash! Silence again.

Boardman ended up paying the requested ransom – two Bitcoins, a job reference and three power ups for Angry Birds, the latter for which the staff had to stay up all night playing the game to get.  Fortunately, the attackers did release Boardman computers upon ransom payment these brilliant-hued hibiscus.
Basho-Buson ransomware takes its name from famed haiku poets Matsuo Bashōand Yosa Buson.  The ransomware causes every paragraph in Word documents to end with a line from these poets’ work shows my father’s face.
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Forestville Man Suing The Periodic Table of the Elements

June 28, 2017

According to court documents, Forestville resident Willie Flanch is suing the Periodic Table of the Elements, and the descendants of the Russian inventor that created the Periodic Table.

Mr. Flanch showing off to friends at a recent party said he could create a small explosion or a rancid smell with his new chemistry kit. So he mixed lead and helium and nothing happened. No explosion. No smell – nothing.

He tried other gases as well and the results were the same. Speaking with Boardman afterward he reflected, “You are often told ‘Hey man don’t mix this with that because bad things could happen.’ Well they should also warn you that mixing lead and helium or lead with any gas like argon, krypton, neon, xenon, radon – yeah radon! – will result in nothing. Those freaking noble gasses suck dude.”

Consequently, Mr. Flanch decided that because the Periodic Table showed no remorse or compassion and was not cooperative after the fact he would seek a legal remedy.

The Periodic Table of the Elements was not able to comment because it is not human.

“Transformers 5” Debuts to Franchise-Low $69 Million

June 26, 2017

Following left-wing celebrities Johnny Depp, Jim Carrey and Madonna, Wile E. Coyote has also now called for President Trump to be assassinated.  He made the threat through a series of small wooden signs he held up in a remote American desert.

It is not Coyote’s first foray into politics.  He vocally supported free health care at Bernie Sanders rallies and during his many post-cartoon-episode hospitalizations.

Like other stars who threaten Trump, Coyote’s fortunes have hit hard times.  His TV career has dwindled and the Road Runner stopped receiving his calls, thinking them to be some sort of trick.  In 2016, he was hired to do unboxing videos for the Acme Corporation.  However, they dropped him earlier this month when a mishap with Acme Dehydrated Boulders® resulted in a massive rockslide in Yosemite National Park.

In an article entitled, “Girlboss Canceled by Netflix After One Season”, The Hollywood Reporter did not mention Mr. Coyote at all.  In a second article, they did mention him and suspected that his words were a publicity stunt to restart his disaster-prone career.

Myopic off-screen pal Mr. Magoo said that he disagrees with the politics and dinner choices of his “hirsute friend.”  However, he understands his need for attention, saying, “Oh Coyote, you’ve done it again!”  He then drove into a chicken coop.

The Secret Service expressed no concern about this latest threat.  A spokesman said, “Given Mr. Coyote’s history, we fully expect that any scheme by him against the president will only end in Mr. Coyote plunging off a cliff or being blown up by his own bomb and then plunging off a cliff.”

Democrats Hope For Big Win In Newest Special Election

June 23, 2017

After bruising losses in four contested special elections, the Democrat Party has turned to a fifth one in Michigan. Jerome Snell III is running against Republican favorite Holly Lambier for class president at Okiedoke High School. It is already the most expensive school election in American history. Hollywood celebrities like Gaten Matarazzo and Sasha Obama poured thousands of jars of pennies into Snell’s campaign.

Lambier brought in a high-powered bully, Kevin, who crafted her campaign slogan: “Snelly Is Smelly.” She is expected to focus on Snell’s lack of style, his poor grades in English and that he is a quote, “stupidhead.”

In an eerie similarity to the recent house race in Georgia, Snell is running for office in a school he doesn’t attend. Also, he is 37 and just graduated college.

Democrat leaders are optimistic. Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez said, “The other races we lost turned out to not be referendums on Trump, but if we win this one, it will for sure be a referendum on the president.”

Price Is Right
The seat was vacated by Kim Price when Ivanka Trump brought her to the White House to be head of the Department of Fashion. Considered the trendiest teenager at school, Price has a long history of persuading her family to get her the coolest and most coordinated wardrobe in town.

She survived a grueling confirmation hearing earlier this month. Senate Democrats focused on her excessive praise of Bardot tops paired with capri pants. In a testy exchange, Senator Diane Feinstein even compared the shirt to a “crop top,” which drew boos and shouts of “Oh no, she didn’t!” from the pro-Price gallery.

At her swearing-in ceremony, Price said, “Oh my God, I am like really happy to be here. As head of fashion, I want you to know I am going to make sure that like, things like wedge sneakers are out. And adult onesies? Seriously? Circle underscore that a ‘No.'”

Baseball Fans Take to the Streets of Forestville to Protest Called Third Strike

June 19, 2017

Baseball fans in Forestville took to the streets early Sunday morning following a disputed called third strike in a pick-up game behind Greene-Hills School Saturday.

In the second inning with nobody on base and two outs and a 0-2 count, Home plate umpire Michael Nerdly called Gavin Dodge out on strikes. Dodge disputed the call and asked for a redo but Nerdly ignored his plea.

According to spectators the pitch in question appeared to be outside and out of the strike zone, but Nerdly said the pitch hugged the outside corner. The play did not decide the contest and the game had absolutely no meaning, but the controversy will live forever.

Charlie Simmer briefly attended the game and was standing down the left field line roughly 200 feet from home plate with an obstructed view and observed, “No way was that a strike! The umpire is blind or he can’t see. I can’t tell which.”

Added Cheryl Murdoch, “I wasn’t at the game so I heard about it through a friend and I can tell you that pitch was not a strike. What a joke. Give me a break!”

Consequently, chanting protestors walked the streets near Peck Park, rallying against the called third strike. The demonstration was peaceful but residents in the small neighborhood awoke to the sounds of protesters denouncing the call with chants of “Hey hey! Ho ho! Michael Nerdly has got to go!” And other colorful slogans such as “Kill the Ump!”

Game Notes:

The team that scores more runs has yet to lose a game in the history baseball.

All the runs scored were by the team on offense.

The game ended when the ball was lost in the woods.

Mueller To Host Wild Special Counsel Parties As Part Of Trump Investigation

June 17, 2017

Just a month into Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, his team has had to change focus. Allegations of a Russia-Trump connection appear to have reached a dead end. As well, claims that Trump obstructed justice with Mueller’s best friend and synchronized swimming partner James Comey appear to be going nowhere after the ex-FBI director’s testimony before Congress. For this, Comey wrote Mueller a nice apology letter using a big pen with a sparkly flower on the end.

However, anonymous sources who love reading the fiction section of the Washington Post say that Mueller has shifted the focus of his expensive probe to other matters in order to afford his new mansion on Long Island.

News that Trump advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner left change in his suit when he sent it to the dry cleaners and didn’t report the incident prompted Mueller to look into if Kushner has laundered any other money. Critics of the special counsel dismissed this as a process crime.

According to the Post, other anonymous sources with knowledge of the ending to “Soylent Green” say that Mueller is also expanding his probe to Barron, Trump’s 11-year-old son. His team is investigating charges that Barron perjured himself to a group of schoolkids when he claimed Mary Peters was his girlfriend and that he could blow a bubble bigger than his neighbor old man Woolsely’s butt.

In response, Barron has hired the school bully Kevin to represent him.

In a statement to the press, Kevin said, “We are going to like, beat all those old dudes. We will also beat them in court.” He then threw a few rocks to chase off a lawyer with Mueller’s probe who stopped by to watch. Kevin cackled wildly before sharing the incident on Snapchat.

According to anonymous sources who bought Post staffers beer last night, Mueller responded to Kevin’s challenge. “I’ll get those kids,” he said. “The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.”