General John Kelly Takes Command of White House Staff

July 31, 2017

So much happened in the White House lately that Boardman has not had time to cover it all. Therefore, we did not cover any of it. That is until the new White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly called and told us to.

The replacement for Reince Priebus says he is focused on bringing order to the White House, starting with whipping the staff into shape.

“We fall in for inspection at five each morning,” said one Joe Smelton, Assistant to the Deputy Cabinet Secretary’s Assistant. “We do thirty minutes of calisthenics and march five laps around the White House double time holding up our pens and saying, ‘This is my pen. This is my gun.’ I don’t know what’s happening. Am I supposed to shoot someone with my pen?”

Once-a-week drills are held to keep up staff preparedness for emergencies, like running out of ink when printing out Obamacare regulations. In one drill designed to help them sneak past reporters, personnel crawl through drink spills in the hall while Kelly fires a staple gun over their heads.

A second staffer who tearfully begged to remain anonymous whispered, “He calls us ‘maggots’ and ‘dirtbags.’ I told him I don’t have dirt of any kind on me – I wash a lot. So he puts me on latrine duty!” The staffer, First Assistant to the Assistant Margaret Schaeffer, says Yale never prepared her for this sort of treatment.

“He asked, ‘Do you like me?’ When I said, ‘Yes, sir!’ he said, ‘I’m not your boyfriend. Drop and give me ten.’ So I had to get on the floor and write ten memos. This never happened on ‘West Wing.'”

Other punishments include KP duty and detention in the brig, which used to be the White House Map Room. One staffer was busted to Assistant Second Class for not having a military tuck.

A third staffer who paid us to not reveal his name (hint, hint, Margaret) reminisced. “I miss Reince. He was quiet. Spent most of his time working on the president’s schedule and hiding from Anthony Scaramucci.”

A veteran Secret Service agent who threatened us if we revealed his name was fine with Kelly’s new routine. “It’s better than when Bill and Hillary were here. Hillary would have us sort out the green M&Ms – then throw them at us!”

Meanwhile, Democrat Representative Barbara Lee complained that having a general in the White House will militarize the place. Relatives of Presidents Eisenhower, Grant and Washington could not be reached for a response.

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Bristol Democrats Formally Endorse Candidates Then Attend After Party

July 29, 2017

On a rare cool summer evening last Monday, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee gathered at 111 N. Main Street, and nominated their candidates for city offices this year.

Following the nominations and acceptance speeches at City Hall, members of the DTC headed to a well-attended after-party at Sporty’s Cafe for food and conversation. Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly a night at The Algonquin Round Table, but it would do for a Monday night.

Calvin Brown was spotted nursing a beverage while chatting up Rippy Patton about how Prilosec OTC is the #1 Doctor Recommended frequent heartburn brand for 10 straight years!

Meanwhile, there was Dave Preleski and Mary Fortier discussing how exciting it is that as lawyers in Connecticut they get to pay the Occupational Tax (an annual tax imposed on attorneys in Connecticut).

Former state legislator Chris Wright was in the house too and he conferred with political newcomers Josh Medeiros, Greg Hahn and Brittney Barney about the importance of comfortable and breathable cotton shirts on the campaign trail.

Mayoral nominee Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mixed and mingled her way through the “fete” trying to find someone to debate her as she consumed a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee.

The event was catered by chef Wolfgang Puck and included “Democrat friendly food” such as croissants, granola, arugula, kale, guacamole, veggie burgers, spicy tuna tartare and yogurt chicken.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

Related Headlines

* Ellen Zoppo-Sassu Has the Internet Freaking Out About Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee!

* Why Aren’t Synthetic Fabrics all the Rage on the Campaign Trail?

* Bristol Democrats Will Have a Fundraiser at Muzzy Field Tonight, Will Moroccan-Spiced Wagyu Short Rib and Chopped Salad be on the Menu?


Where is Ivanka?

July 29, 2017

Ivanka Trump is reported to have a calming influence on her father, the President of the United States. However, as the White House concluded another chaotic day Friday with the firing of Reince Priebus, Ivanka Trump is missing.

Consequently, according to the Center for Missing Persons, a Silver Alert was issued for the 35 year-old, former model, former shoe designer and current assistant to the president.

Ms. Trump also went missing when her father pulled the United States out of the Paris Climate Agreement; and when her father accused President Obama of wiretapping, and when he taunted the Mayor of London and when he verbally attacked the Attorney General of the United States, and Mika Brzezinski and the intelligence community aaaaand –

Staffers in the West Wing came together with a candlelight vigil late Friday night hoping she would return and bring rational thinking to her father.

No other details are available at this hour.


Day 16 Connecticut Held Hostage

July 26, 2017

The budget calamity reminds one of the famous line by Winston Churchill, “These are the times that try men’s souls.” This comment about the 1957 Eurovision song contest may as well been made about the current fiscal battle in Connecticut.

General Fund revenues may drop $400 million in the FY2017 compared to FY2016 with outgoing year revenues $400 million below 2016 expectations. 2017-18 State finances project to run $2.3 billion in deficit or 12% short and 2018-19, $2.8 billion or 14% – a 14% change in the increase in decrease. 100% avoidance in upward trends in tax correlating to 2011 and 2015, spending in 32 of 61 localities over 1.52% municipal and 1.37% education, and mill rates beyond 2.86% is priority 1. But what does this mean?

A Maple Street beggar, Jericho Threshold put it in simple terms. “If pension contributions double to 4%, 33% below the national mean against 1.6% June inflation and 1.6% 2016 GDP growth with a 1.3% price deflator, a 40-year Tier 2 employee retires at $100k but receives a $65K package, while 9-month term teachers make more with $80k at 60 and get 70% of last year pay with 0% contribution. Therefore, Train A traveling 40 mph meets a 30 mph 1,490 kW GG20B in 2 hours with p < 0.05."

Annie Albright, age 10 in 2 years minus 3, makes tiny slippers for cats on Etsy. She notes, "One bill with 78 Democrats supporting, 1% less than the normative 52.3%, claims $0.785 billion per annum median savings for 2 years for 23.3%, but add 2022 – 2027 to current benefits contracts, leaving 5 +/- 1. Turning to the pie chart, if we add the 18 Democrat senators divided by 3 moderates which gives us 6, 10% favor a 1.1% increase to a 6.99% sales tax; against 18 Republicans less 3 who like red cat slippers. If Senator Looney's father is 45, 15 years older than him who is twice his age, how old is Looney?"

Chris Shoeless, representative for Upper Mystic and local Republican party chairman, said, "Sorry, I don't follow politics."

With news that the protection of Connecticut State worker pensions is a top priority for budget writers, a spokesman for the Florida Department of Revenue said, "Whew!"

Extra Credit:
Governor Dannel Malloy has 11 more nickels that he took from taxpayers than quarters. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65?


Previewing the Candidates of District 3 / Battle of the Resumes

July 25, 2017

This year’s races for City Council will hinge on the candidates outlook for Bristol’s future.

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 3 is previewed, which includes Federal Hill and Forestville.

Cheryl Thibeault (R)

Mrs. Thibeault has an exceptional resume. When she enters a room her resume has already been there for ten minutes.

Currently she serves on the following boards and committees:

• Board of Finance (chair)
• Retirement Board
• 10-Year Capital Improvement Board
• Fire Building #4 Building Committee (co-chair)
• BOF liaison to the Police Board
• Youth leader in her church

But wait there is more.

• Mayor’s Task Force on Energy Conservation
• Greene-Hills School Building Committee
• Mayor’s TEAM committee
• Memorial Boulevard Task Force
• PTA president
• Girl Scout leader
• Forestville Village Association member
• Chamber of Commerce Board Director
• Wheeler YMCA Board
• Rescued a kitty from a tree
• Orchestrated the 2014 Ceasefire in Fallujah
• Her last name is two syllables
• Just copyrighted the word resume©
• In her spare time she is a super-hero

Mary Fortier (D)

Councilwoman Mary Fortier is seeking her third consecutive term. According to City Council Magazine she is Forestville’s favorite city councilor.

Mrs. Fortier is a mother of six and lives in the Federal Hill area in a house on a street. Her resume© includes the following:

• Lawyer with the State of Connecticut, Waterbury Court House
• Eighth woman to serve on the Bristol City Council
• Served on the Bristol Development Authority
• Served on the Bristol Community Organization
• Served on the Disability Commission
• Served on the Pine Lake Committee
• Served on the Real Estate Committee
• Served on the Salary Committee
• Was one of 100 women leaders in Connecticut that petitioned Governor Malloy to support paid family sick leave in 2016
• Regularly attends Bristol Blues games but has yet to thrown out a first pitch. Baseball Prospectus says she throws from a three-quarters arm slot; hides the ball well and hits her spots
• Wears glasses
• Signs her name in cursive
• Her last name is three syllables

Dave Mills (R)

Mr. Mills previously served two terms on the City Council before returning in 2015. His name appears in the newspaper a lot and now this website. Here are some highlights from his career:

• Retired School Teacher and high school football coach
• 2015 received the Spirit of Bristol Award from the CT Chambers of Commerce
• 2003 Bristol Sports Hall of Fame Inductee
• Head football coach at Bristol Eastern for 26 years
• Twice named “Coach of the Year” by the CIAC
• 1988 State Champion
• Revolutionized football using multiple formation offences and bringing back the shotgun, invented the 4-3 defense (Flex Defense), 20 straight winning seasons, and wore his trademark fedora on the sidelines. Wait that was Tom Landry former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Never mind.

Brittany Barney (D)

A newcomer to Bristol politics so not much is known about candidate Barney. However, a Google search of the name “Brittany Barney” reveals the following information:

• She is a Business Coordinator at Grey Mountain in Boulder, Colorado
• According to IMDb Brittany Barney is an actress best known for her role in the movie Santiago (2011)
• The 5’4 Junior Guard was the Benson High School Girls Basketball Player of the Game on February 2, 2017, Vs. Pima
• In 2009 playing for Clinton Community College against Finger Lakes “Brittany Barney” had 10 rebounds, seven assists and two steals
• Her favorite word is “soooo.”
• Her grandmother died in 1856, 1907, 1959, 1992, 1997, 2012 and 2014

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

END


Boardman Cracks Cruller Theft Ring

July 23, 2017

A week-long investigation into missing crullers from Mr. Boardman’s secret break room stash ended loudly on Friday. The suspect was identified as Terry Terrison, an intern from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

The investigation began shortly after ten a.m. when president Alan Boardman arrived in the break room for a snack. Upon discovery of a missing cruller, a hidden camera was ordered installed in the break room. Wearing a hidden microphone, a Boardman employee went undercover posing as a Boardman employee. He pretended to eat lunch for the next three hours, which is allowed under union rules. During this time, he observed Terrison enter and take another illicit cruller. The rest of the time, he sat and watched reruns of “Two and a Half Men” on his iPhone.

Terrison was further incriminated by fingerprints found on the pastry-smeared knob of the break room door. Terrison’s DNA also matched DNA found on a pastry-smeared napkin in the trash can.

Spyware planted on Terrison’s computer uncovered posts on social media in which he openly bragged about taking the crullers. Interception of his phone calls to family, friends and the Russian consulate shed no further light, but Special Counsel Robert Mueller now wants to speak to him. A search of Terrison’s apartment only revealed that he has not thrown out old underwear and likes women with big hair. When his dog was kidnapped and interrogated, the dog would not talk – even for a Lick-O-Chop. His bird would only say how pretty she was.

A full body cavity search of Terrison also provided no further evidence, as did taking a road trip to Springfield in Terrison’s Camaro yelling “Ya-hoo!”

As Terrison recovered from the cavity search, he was finally confronted about the theft by a Boardman compliance employee, a disappointed and tearful Jewish mother and a North Korean prison official. When Officer Sae-Un presented the evidence which included a recovered sample of Terrison’s stool that tested positive for cruller, Terrison broke down in tears and confessed. Terrison was released on his own recognizance, whereupon he ran away screaming.

A Boardman spokesman told Boardman, “We take company theft very seriously. Terrison should have known better after what happened to Al Skivvers.”

Skivvers was an accountant at Boardman until his superior, Wei-Bo Chen, discovered he had taken three pencils and half an eraser home. Skivvers now works in a labor camp in western China.


Sean Spicer to be Offered Communications Job with the Mayor?

July 22, 2017

Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, resigned Friday morning following the appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as Director of Communications.

Immediately following his resignation, City Hall officials, on behalf of Mayor Cockayne, reached out to Mr. Spicer to determine if he was interested in a communications job with the mayor’s office. Personnel Director Diane Ferguson told the mayor she was impressed with Mr. Spicer’s ability to explain the president’s various positions, even when he didn’t know what they were.

As an incentive, the administration offered to have a customized maple podium designed with Mr. Spicer’s name engraved. The podium includes an adjustable gooseneck microphone and not one but two cup holders.

Celebrity watchers wonder if Melissa McCarthy is going to be hanging out around town now as a result.

However, should Mr. Spicer accept the position it would lead to the termination of the mayor’s longtime spokesperson, Egor.

Egor is popular with residents but the mayor has grown increasingly frustrated with him because he has no command of the English language, and he speaks in the third person. Speaking from his home under the Anthony V. Savino Bridge on Route 72, Egor commented about the matter, “Egor not happy, Egor mad. You not like Egor when Egor mad!”

Members of the usual press contingent in Bristol expressed nervousness. Said an anxious Mike Chaiken of the Bristol Observer, “I heard the last reporter that argued with Spicer ended up cowering under a chair after a particularly harrowing barrage of Mother Superior-style repartee.”

The press pool is also concerned over rumors that Spicer will ban the use of cameras, mikes and even sign language at press conferences. “Does this mean we have to go back to using pen and paper?” Lorenzo Burgio of the Bristol Press plaintively asked. “Writing? I – I don’t remember how to do that.”