Boardman Cracks Cruller Theft Ring

A week-long investigation into missing crullers from Mr. Boardman’s secret break room stash ended loudly on Friday. The suspect was identified as Terry Terrison, an intern from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

The investigation began shortly after ten a.m. when president Alan Boardman arrived in the break room for a snack. Upon discovery of a missing cruller, a hidden camera was ordered installed in the break room. Wearing a hidden microphone, a Boardman employee went undercover posing as a Boardman employee. He pretended to eat lunch for the next three hours, which is allowed under union rules. During this time, he observed Terrison enter and take another illicit cruller. The rest of the time, he sat and watched reruns of “Two and a Half Men” on his iPhone.

Terrison was further incriminated by fingerprints found on the pastry-smeared knob of the break room door. Terrison’s DNA also matched DNA found on a pastry-smeared napkin in the trash can.

Spyware planted on Terrison’s computer uncovered posts on social media in which he openly bragged about taking the crullers. Interception of his phone calls to family, friends and the Russian consulate shed no further light, but Special Counsel Robert Mueller now wants to speak to him. A search of Terrison’s apartment only revealed that he has not thrown out old underwear and likes women with big hair. When his dog was kidnapped and interrogated, the dog would not talk – even for a Lick-O-Chop. His bird would only say how pretty she was.

A full body cavity search of Terrison also provided no further evidence, as did taking a road trip to Springfield in Terrison’s Camaro yelling “Ya-hoo!”

As Terrison recovered from the cavity search, he was finally confronted about the theft by a Boardman compliance employee, a disappointed and tearful Jewish mother and a North Korean prison official. When Officer Sae-Un presented the evidence which included a recovered sample of Terrison’s stool that tested positive for cruller, Terrison broke down in tears and confessed. Terrison was released on his own recognizance, whereupon he ran away screaming.

A Boardman spokesman told Boardman, “We take company theft very seriously. Terrison should have known better after what happened to Al Skivvers.”

Skivvers was an accountant at Boardman until his superior, Wei-Bo Chen, discovered he had taken three pencils and half an eraser home. Skivvers now works in a labor camp in western China.

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